Hannah Montana comes walking out of the dance studio and into the corridor, followed closely behind by her troupe of dancers. Jeremy, who is new to the show, walks excitedly next to Hannah. They are passed by people who work in the studio.
HANNAH
Great rehearsal, you guys.
DANCER 1
Hey, thanks.
DANCER 2
Bring it on.
JEREMY (excited; to Hannah)
I can't believe we're actually going to be performing for the President of the United States. This is so cool!
Friendly, Jeremy places his hands on Hannah's arms. She, along with the other dancers gathered around, gasp. Confused, and embarrassed, Jeremy slowly takes his hands off of Hannah.
HANNAH (outraged)
Did you see that? The new guy touched me. Didn't anybody tell him? (to Jeremy) Hello! Never touch the star! (stepping closer to Jeremy) Never, ever (clicks in his face), ever.
JEREMY (confused)
Uh, I...
HANNAH (smiles)
Gotcha.
Hannah and the other dancers laugh. They share a few high-fives before the dancers run off to leave Hannah and Jeremy alone.
HANNAH (to Jeremy)
We do that to all the new dancers. (somewhat suggestive) Hope you're not mad at me.
JEREMY (hurt)
Try totally humiliated. I am so out of here.
Jeremy turns to walk away.
HANNAH
Jeremy!
But she's been tricked. Jeremy turns back to face her with a grin.
JEREMY
Gotcha back.
HANNAH
Oh, you're good.
JEREMY
Good enough to go to a movie with tonight?
HANNAH (smiling)
I'd like that.
Hannah's bodyguard, Roxy, comes out from a nearby door and joins in the conversation. She's obviously overheard Jeremy asking Hannah out.
ROXY
Me, too.
Jeremy looks startled. Hannah looks over at him.
ROXY
I'm in the mood for a comedy, or maybe something where Taye Diggs takes his shirt off. Either one works for me.
Jeremy looks at Hannah for an explanation.
HANNAH (annoyed)
Jeremy, this is my bodyguard, Roxy.
Hannah places her arm on Roxy's shoulder and gives her an annoyed face. Roxie grins and steps in between Jeremy and Hannah, linking arms wit the two of them.
ROXY
That’s right. And it's my job to protect Hannah Montana from danger (specifically to Jeremy, with a stern look), all kinds of danger. Know what I'm saying, dancer boy? I think you do.
Hannah gives Jeremy a smile, and then looks down at Roxy with another of her annoyed faces.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
That same night, Robby is in the kitchen at the Stewart's home making a drink with the blender as Miley walks in, guised as Hannah, after her date with Jeremy.
ROBBY
So, how was the date.
Hannah looks pretty cheesed off, for want of a better expression.
HANNAH
Mine? (turns to face the entering Roxy) ...or hers?
Roxy has walked in behind Hannah, holding a large bucket of popcorn. She has thoroughly enjoyed herself.
ROXY
Free refills, Taye took his shirt off twice. I'd give it two thumbs up, but I don't wanna let go of my bucket.
HANNAH
Dad, he is never gonna ask me out again.
ROBBY
Oh, honey, you say that about every boy you and Roxy date.
HANNAH
Do I even need to tell you what's wrong with that sentence?
ROXY
Sense of humour. (chuckles) That's gonna help you later in life.
Hannah looks back at Robby and rolls her eyes, annoyed.
ROXY (heading for the front door)
Now, you are singing for the President tomorrow. You need to get your rest, and I need to go home and find my bullet-proof pantyhose. (on Hannah and Robby's looks) Keeps bullets out (stands tall), keeps Roxy in.
Roxy leaves. Hannah turns to Robby.
HANNAH
Dad, this night was a disaster.
She goes and takes a seat at the couch in front of the television. Robby follows.
ROBBY
Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I bet the boy had a good time.
HANNAH
Dad, Roxy put a bell around his arm. So, every time he tried to make a move, it went (stretches an arm out across Robby) "ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding".
ROBBY (concerned)
Exactly how many times did the boy ding?
HANNAH
It doesn't matter, daddy. Every time he went "ding", she went "don't", and I went "dang!"
ROBBY
Well honey, Roxy's just doing her job. To be honest with you, I agree with her, 'cause when it comes to girls, boys will say and do just about anything.
Just now, Jackson comes downstairs talking on his mobile phone to a girl.
JACKSON (on phone)
No, no, Julie, I'm serious. I am a professional motocross racer.
Jackson rests his phone on his shoulder and shakes his head at Hannah and Robby. They watch him with disbelief.
JACKSON (on the phone again)
Oh, heck yeah. I'm...I'm working on my bike right now.
Jackson walks over to the bench and turns on the blender, holding the phone against it to try and fool Julie into thinking it's a car.
JACKSON
Woww!!! Listen to that engine purr!!!
Robby jumps up and goes over, as Jackson raises the phone to his ear again and turns off the blender. He's been hanged up on.
JACKSON (on phone)
Julie? Julie?
Realizing there's no longer anyone on the opposite end, he closes the lid of his phone down.
JACKSON (to Robby)
Oh, man! How could she not believe me?
ROBBY
I'm guessing you pureed when you should've liquefied.
JACKSON
Of course.
Jackson hits himself on the forehead and races upstairs again. Hannah, who is now standing beside Robby, watches him go.
HANNAH
Dad, not all boys are like that. I bet you didn't lie to girls.
ROBBY (grooming his hair down)
Well, honey, when you got a head of hair like this (inhales), you don't have to.
Hannah can't think of an argument so she just rolls her eyes.
***
At a Hannah Montana concert, Hannah comes out on stage through the curtain and starts to sing Nobody's Perfect. The back-up dancers come onstage with her.
HANNAH (singing and dancing)
# Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody has those days
One, two, three, four
Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody has those days
Everybody knows what
What I'm talking about
Everybody gets that way
***
After the concert, Roxie leads Hannah and Lola (Lilly), through into a green room. There is a guard standing at the door. In the room, there's a table with sushi on it.
GUARD (into his intercom)
I have a visual on Montana. Repeat, I have a visual on Montana.
He closes the door. Hannah and Lola exchange looks.
GUARD (into his intercom)
Yes, I'll get her autograph, mom. (pause) Bring in the President.
LOLA
Oh, wow, the President! (looking at the table) Oh, sushi. Lola likey.
Lola takes some sushi as Robby leads President Martinez and his daughter, Sophie, into the room.
ROBBY
Mr President, Sophie, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter, Hannah Montana.
GUARD
Hold, please.
The guard goes and places his hands against the President's ears.
GUARD (to Sophie)
And, go.
Sophie gives a high-pitched scream of excitement and wraps her arms around Hannah.
GUARD (releasing his hands)
And, we're clear. (backs away to the door again)
SOPHIE (excited, looking at Hannah)
I can't believe I'm meeting Hannah Montana!
HANNAH
I can't believe I'm meeting America's Angel.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (to Hannah)
As President of the free world, may I say your concert was off the hook and you were da bomb?
Hannah looks uneasily at the floor.
SOPHIE (to her dad)
Dad, keep it real, or keep it quiet.
Sophie places a finger to her lip and signals for the President to be quiet.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (trying to sound hip)
What? Just because I live in the White Hizzle, doesn't mean I got no sizzle.
HANNAH (to Sophie)
Don't worry, sweetie. All dads are embarrassing.
SOPHIE
Yeah, but yours never stopped a motorcade because he saw a horsey.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Now, Sophie, horses have owners, and owners vote. (to Robby) And I got to feed him a carrot.
ROBBY (holding out his palm)
Oh, don't you love it when those big, fat, hairy lips just tickle the palm of your hand?
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
That's my favourite part. (notices the sushi on the table) Oh, sushi. President likey. Oh, oh, oh, watch this. The Japanese Ambassador loves this.
He gets a piece of sushi and gestures for the people to stand back, and as he throws the sushi up into the air, Roxy, who is standing nearby, sniffs a bad smell. In slow motion, and the nick of time, she jumps in front of the President and knocks the sushi out of the way of his mouth. In the process, she also accidently sends the President flying down below. Luckily, his guards manage to catch him before he hits the ground. Hannah and Lola stare with their jaws dropped.
HANNAH (running to Roxy)
Roxy, what are you doing?
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (back on his feet)
Really, there's enough for everyone.
ROXY
Enough to get you sick. I'm sorry, sir, but what we have here is a case of fish gone funky.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Excuse me?
Lola, who had some sushi earlier on, starts to sound as though she's going to vomit it back up.
LOLA
Oh, boy. The salmon's coming back upstream.
Lola covers her mouth and makes a quick dash for the restroom. The President turns to Roxy.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Amazing. A nose like that should be working for the (proudly, looking away) President of the United States.
ROXY
I'm honoured, sir, but I can't leave Hannah.
HANNAH
Sure you can.
ROXY
What?
HANNAH
I mean...(stuck for words)...you cannot pass up an opportunity like this. He is the (hip, looking away) President of the United States.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Not bad. (holds his hand up) Up top, Miss Montana!
HANNAH
Up top, Mr. Prez.
Hannah gives the President a high-five.
***
Later on that evening, Hannah and Roxy walk into the Stewart's home after the concert.
HANNAH
But, Roxy, your country needs your keen sense of smell. I mean, sour milk, bad bologna? (points at Roxy's nose) This honker is the only thing that can keep your President on the job and off the john.
ROXY
I can appreciate that, but I still don't think that I should, you know...
Jackson comes walking downstairs uncomfortably in a leather racing car outfit. As he approaches the door, he passes Robby. He's holding a helmet.
ROBBY
Whee doggies! That's a nice outfit, son. I hadn't seen that much leather since your grandma got all gussied up for singles' bingo.
JACKSON (fake laughter, pretending to wipe away a tear)
Oh, hahahahahaha. Oh, dad! Oh, dad! Oh, dad! (resumes normality) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to Julie's to tell her I just took fourth place in the big race.
ROBBY
Well, why not just tell her you won?
JACKSON
Because this way I don't even need to show her a trophy. (about himself) Always thinking.
Jackson places the helmet on his head and taps it. He turns around and bumps into the front door, unsteadily making his way out.
ROXIE (to Hannah)
You see, Miley? If I take this job, who's gonna protect you from boys who are "always thinking"?
They make their way through to the kitchen, and Hannah takes a seat at the table. Robby follows.
ROXIE
I mean, I've had your back ever since we met down at Wig City.
Hannah starts to have a flashback..
...a few years ago at least, down at Wig City, Miley is sitting in a seat looking at her reflection as she tries on a long, blonde, curly wig. Roxy, who was a security guard at the time, walks past and inspects.
ROXY
No, no, no, no, no.
A little while on, and Miley is trying out a short, black, spiky wig. Roxy walks past again.
ROXY
Oh, I don't think so.
Miley looks annoyed. Cuts to the next wig, Miley is trying on a dreadlocked black wig. Roxy walks over again.
ROXY
All right, this is getting to be downright painful. I'll be right back.
Roxy turns to walk away, but then turns back and pulls off the dreadlock wig from Miley's head. She returns a few moments later with a straight, blonde wig, the birth of Hannah Montana.
ROXY
Now we cooking with gas!
HANNAH
I love it!
No sooner does Robby come from around the corner wearing a moustache and a big, curly, blonde wig.
ROBBY
Hey, Mile. What do you think of this one?
ROXY
I'm guessing you the daddy. (to Hannah) Don't worry. I'll help him next.
ROBBY (about his wig)
It kind of looks like Aunt Pearl when she gets back from the beauty shop.
Roxy walks past and takes off the wig from Robby's head...
...cuts back to the present time, in the Stewart's kitchen. Hannah is still sitting at the table, and Robby and Roxy are standing in front of her.
HANNAH
I know, and you've changed my life too. But let's face it, Roxy. (standing and pointing at Roxy's nose) This schnoz is bigger than the both of us.
ROXY
You want me to go, don't you?
HANNAH (suspiciously)
No, I don't.
ROXY
Yes, you do, 'cause I'm all up in your business. Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. Look me in the eye and tell me that isn't true.
Hannah can't stand the deathly stare that Roxy gives her.
HANNAH
Okay, fine, it is! I'm a girl. I have needs!
Hannah retreats over to the living room.
ROBBY (following)
Please tell me you just said you're a girl who has knees.
Roxy goes and stands with Hannah.
HANNAH
Roxy, it's not that I want you to go. I don't. I just need a little space.
ROXY
Oh, sure. I give you a little space, and something happens to you. Uh-uh, that's not the way Roxy rolls.
HANNAH
Well I'm tired of Roxy rolling all over my life.
ROBBY (interrupting; and trying to break up the argument)
Hey, speaking of rolls, why don't I heat up some sweet ones? And then we can get all buttered up, and uh, we'll sit back and be reasonable about this.
ROXY
I don't need to be reasonable. I just need to protect Hannah Montana, and if I can't do it full-out Roxy, I can't do it at all.
HANNAH
Well then maybe you shouldn't.
ROXY
Well, if that's the way you want it, then I'm happy to oblige. Goodbye, Miss Montana.
Roxy walks out through the front door. Hannah sits down on the couch and puts her legs up with her. Robby sits down as well.
ROBBY
I blame myself. I should've offered up my sticky-buns sooner.
HANNAH
It's not your fault, Daddy. We'll find a bodyguard better than Roxy. One that understands my...(pats her knees)...knees. These babies, right here. Yeah.
She winks at Robby and keeps on patting her knees.
***
The next day, in Hannah's dressing room backstage, Hannah and Robby are sitting in front of a big, musclier man who is trying out to be the new bodyguard, replacing Roxy. Hannah is holding a clipboard.
ROBBY
So, tell us something about yourself, and what qualifies you to be Hannah Montana's bodyguard.
MAN #1 (strong voice)
I love your music. I love what you stand for. (holds up a finger on each point) Youth, innocence, and fun, and if everybody threatens that, I'll rip their guts out and feed them to the pigeons!
Hannah and Robby look scared as the man does a bobbing pigeon face. Hannah's imagination gets the best of her and she suddenly begins picturing Roxy's face on the man.
MAN #1 (with Roxy's face and voice in Hannah's mind)
I'm the bodyguard you want! I'm the bodyguard you need!
The man's face moulds back to normal and he makes a funny noise. Hannah and Robby look terrified.
HANNAH
Thank you, Mr...(looks down at her clipboard to see what the man's name is)...Annihilator.
***
The next bodyguard standing before Hannah and Robby is a strange country man wearing a farm hat. He speaks in a mysterious tone.
MAN #2
There's a lot of bad humbres out there looking to pump up the party. Well, I got one question for them.
Again, Hannah's imagination gets the better of her and she imagines Roxy's face on the man.
MAN #2 (with Roxy's face and voice in Hannah's mind)
You got nerve? (Hannah looks startled) Well, do you, punk? Do you?
The man's face moulds back to normal. Hannah looks on uneasily.
HANNAH
Thank you, Mr...(looks down at her clipboard to see what the man's name is)...Mysterious Stranger.
He nods at them.
HANNAH (under her breath to Robby)
Well, that fits.
Robby and Hannah look at the man once more.
***
The next man trying out for the position of Hannah's bodyguard is an older man wearing hip bling and clothes. He has a rat accent.
MAN #3
Let me make one thing abundantly clear, princess.
Hannah's already fed up. She rolls her eyes.
MAN #3
Anybody comes within spitting distance of you, we're gonna have to go for a little ride, and maybe have a little conversation. Agabish? And what I'm gonna say is...
As the man continues on with his sentence, again Hannah starts imagining Roxy's face and voice on him.
MAN #3 (with Roxy's face and voice in Hannah's mind)
...bada-bing, bada-boom, end of story, forget about it.
HANNAH
Thank you, Mr...
Hannah looks down at her clipboard to see the man's name and as she looks up Roxy's face is gone.
HANNAH
...There's no name here.
MAN #3
You don't need to know my name.
Hannah and Robby exchange a freaked out look.
***
After all the interviews have been conducted, Hannah and Robby are left by themselves. Hannah can't make her mind up on who will replace Roxy.
ROBBY (standing)
Well Mile, you've seen over thirty bodyguards. There must be one you like.
HANNAH
There is. And I kept seeing her in everyone that came in.
ROBBY
You miss Roxy, don't you?
HANNAH
Yes. I made a mistake, dad. (stands) I mean, sometimes she gets on my last nerve, but she's family.
ROBBY
Well, the President doesn't leave town till tomorrow, so you've got time to go to the hotel and talk to her.
HANNAH
Come on, Dad. She's never gonna come back after the things I said.
ROBBY
You never know till you try, bud.
Hannah starts to see Roxy's face and hear her voice on her father.
ROBBY (with Roxy's face and voice)
Stranger things have happened.
HANNAH (looking Robby up and down, freaked out)
You got that right!
She takes a step back.
***
Down at the beach, Jackson is following after Julie, still trying to convince her that he is a motocross racer. He's struggling to keep up with her because of the discomfort of the leather he is wearing.
JACKSON
Oh, come on, Julie, I swear. I would've shown you the bike, but I crashed it. See, here's the handlebars.
Jackson holds up a seat of handlebars which look like they've been napped from a bike. Julie flicks her hand at Jackson and walks off. Jackson makes his way to the counter at Rico's Shack. Rico is behind the bench.
JACKSON
Come on, girl. Don't walk so fast. I'm a getting a thigh rash.
Jackson places the handlebars on the counter.
JACKSON
Rico, do a dude a favour. Run down to the store and get me some baby powder.
RICO (reaching out with his hand)
Jackson, I say this because I care. (pause) You're pathetic!
***
Hannah and Lola enter into Sophie's hotel room. The guard, who has been holding the door open, closes the door and steps over to Hannah and Lola.
GUARD
The first daughter was so excited when you called.
HANNAH
Well, I thought teaching America's angel one of my songs would be a great way to serve my country.
LOLA
She's such a giver.
GUARD (looking at his watch)
Sophie will be here momentarily. Until then, you have permission to play with the dolls.
The guard indicates at a table set up in the corner for a doll's tea party.
GUARD
It's a lot of fun...I've been told.
LOLA
Okay...
HANNAH
While I'm waiting, I think I'm just gonna go say hi to one of my old bodyguards.
Hannah goes to step outside but the guard holds out her hand.
GUARD
That's a negative.
HANNAH
Are you sure?
GUARD
That's a positive. I have orders to keep Hannah Montana in this room. Orders from a seven-year old. Tomorrow we go to Make-A-Moose. (waves his arms excitedly) Wheee!
The guard takes up his position in front of the door again, standing uniformly. Hannah and Lola step aside.
LOLA
Well, this is great. Now we're stuck in here.
An idea starts to hatch in Hannah's mind.
HANNAH
No, Hannah's stuck in here.
Hannah places an arm on Lola's shoulder.
LOLA (pretending to understand)
Ohhhh...
HANNAH
You don't have a clue, do you?
LOLA
Not one.
***
Sophie, dressed so she looks like Hannah Montana, comes running into the room when the guard opens the door and steps aside. The supposed Hannah is standing with her back turned.
SOPHIE
Hannah, check it out! I look just like you. Wa-whooo!
Hannah turns around and we find that it's not Miley but Lilly. They've swapped outfits and wigs.
LILLY (pretending to be Hannah Montana, speaking with a southern accent)
Wow! You look more like me than I do. Let's learn that new song. (starts dancing)
# Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody has those days
Sophie can't be fooled. She knows this can't be the real Hannah Montana. She watches Lilly dancing with her arms crossed.
***
Meanwhile, Miley, who is dressed in Lola's outfit and wig, walks into the next room looking for Roxy.
MILEY
Roxy? Roxy? Roxy?
As she keeps on walking, the back door to the room opens and the President comes through when the guard opens the door.
MILEY
Oh, boy.
She makes a dash for the exit, but the President spots her. There's a dog lying on the couch.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Oh, there you are. Well, you're early.
MILEY
I am? Well, why don't I just go away and come back then...? Toodles!
Miley heads for the door, but President Martinez calls her back.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Oh, no, no, no. I know how in demand you are. I hear you're the finest dog whisperer on the West Coast.
MILEY(taken by surprise)
Dog whisperer?
President Martinez crouches down beside his dog.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Poor Humphrey. He won't eat, and he's sadder than the Vice President when he heard I passed my physical. (standing again) Can you help him, please?
MILEY
I'd love to, but I just got an emergency call. Bashful beagle in Beverley Hills. So sad. Toodles!
Miley turns for the exit again, but there is a guard blocking her way. She straightens his tie for him and turns back to the President.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Please, you're my last hope. And I'm not asking as the President. I'm asking as a loving dog owner (pause), who can get you a ride on Air Force One.
He whistles and demonstrates a plane to taking off with his arm.
MILEY (reluctantly saluting)
Yes, Mr. President.
Miley goes and stands by the dog on the couch.
MILEY
I guess I'll just...whisper to the dog.
Miley crouches down beside the dog and lifts up his ear.
MILEY (whispering into the ear)
Where's Roxy?
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
What's that?
MILEY
Please, let me do my job. I don't tell you how to run the country.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Point made. Carry on.
Miley crouches back down on the dog. She listens to it whimper for a bit.
MILEY (pretending to understand what Humphrey is saying)
Yes. Oh, oh, yes. I'll tell him. Okay. (to President Martinez) He's sick of his dog food. Kibble, kibble, kibble. Boooring!
Miley stands up.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
You're amazing.
President Martinez picks up the phone and raises it to his ears after dialling in a number.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (on phone)
Can I get room service? This is the (proudly looking away) President of the United States. (pause; annoyed) Yes, I'll hold.
Miley starts to creep away, but the President notices.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (to Miley)
And so will you.
Annoyed, Miley punches the air.
***
Later on, there's now a selection of five different dog foods in bowls on the table. Humphrey (the dog) is still looking upset as he lies on the couch.
MILEY
Well, look at that. There it is. Looks delicious. (pause) And, we're back to toodles. See ya.
Miley heads for the door, but Martinez calls her back.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Well, no, no. Wait a second. He's still not eating.
MILEY (displeased)
Okay, okay. (crouches down and pretends to eat the food) Mmmmm...Humphrey, all your favourites. (reading the signs) Boiled liver. Mmmm. Ox Tongue Stew. Yeah. Calf-brains fricassee. (pretending to eat the food again) Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
I think he knows you're faking.
MILEY
You have got to be kidding me.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
I-I'd do it myself, but I just had my teeth whitened, and I can't afford a meat stain.
Miley looks annoyed and rolls her eyes. She goes over to the dog and whispers into its ears.
MILEY
I'd better get a medal out of this!
Miley looks over to the food. She puts on a brave face and looks up at Martinez, returning his smile with a fake grin. She leans into the bowl of food in front of her and pretends to like what she's eating.
MILEY (eating the food)
Mmmmm...(sitting up)...that's some good liver.
Miley gives a thumbs up to the dog, but looks away with a sour expression as she finishes chewing her mouthful.
***
Over in Sophie's room, Lilly is having a hard time trying to convince America's angel that she is Hannah Montana. She's just finished dancing and singing (badly) to the chorus of Nobody's Perfect.
LILLY (dancing and singing)
# Nobody's perfect, no, nobody's perfect...
SOPHIE
Are you sure you're Hannah Montana?
LILLY
Why, of course I am. Why would you ask a silly question like that?
SOPHIE (sarcastic at first)
Oh, I don't know. Because you stink on ice.
LILLY (tuts)
Well, what do you expect? I didn't bring my lights. I didn't bring my band.
SOPHIE (shrugging)
Yeah, you didn't bring your talent, either. (Lilly stares at her with her jaw dropped) I just want the Hannah Montana I saw on stage.
LILLY
So do I, kid. So do I.
***
Miley is still eating the dog food.
MILEY
Come on. Eat, puppy, eat! I'm begging you.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Why don't you try the brains?
MILEY
If I had any, I wouldn't be here right now.
Miley leans down and starts chewing into a different bowl of food. Roxy walks in and goes up to the President.
ROXY
Mr President, the dog whisperer is here.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ (referring to Miley's presence)
Thank you, Agent Obvious.
Miley looks up at Roxy, who points back at the door.
ROXY
Well, that's who's out...(spots Miley)...oh, sweet niblets!
MILEY (making a dog noise)
Ro-ro?
Roxy walks over to the table and pulls Miley to her feet.
ROXY
Mr President, I don't know what's going on here, but I have to tell you...
MILEY
Oh, wait! Wait, wait. Humphrey has something he wants to say.
ROXY
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
MILEY (leaning on the couch)
What's that, Humphrey? (Humphrey barks) The reason you haven't been eating is because you miss somebody terribly? (Humphrey whimpers) Well, why don't you just tell that person? (pause) Oh-oh, you have, but-but they won't answer your phone calls...I-I mean listen to you.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Hold on. I think I know what's going on here.
Miley jumps up next to Roxy.
MILEY/ROXY
You do?
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Of course. My Humphrey-mumphrey misses me. I've been so busy, I've been ignoring you, haven't I, boy?
President Martinez leans down beside his dog. Miley and Roxy take opposite sides of the couch, using Humphrey to communicate and settle out their argument.
ROXY
Now hold on, Mr President. Maybe it wasn't your fault. Maybe Humphrey was being disobedient, stubborn, and a little bratty.
MILEY
Oh, yeah? Well, Humphrey says he was just trying to be a dog, and sometimes dogs need to be let of their leash.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Uhhh.
ROXY
Oh, oh, but what if that dog runs off and gets itself into all kinds of trouble?
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
Ohhh.
MILEY
Well, you've got to trust that you've trained it well enough to know right from wrong. And you have.
Roxy looks touched. Humphrey barks.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
What's that, buddy?
MILEY
He said he loves you. (Roxy smiles) And he knows that you love him too.
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
I do, I do. And we're going to be spending a lot more time together, starting now. (standing) Come on, buddy! I saw a French poodle in the lobby, and she's quite the hottie. Come on! Come on.
President Martinez leads his dog out, giving Miley and Roxy a thumbs up. Miley goes over to Roxy.
MILEY
I do love you, Roxy.
ROXY
And I love you. That's why I want to protect you.
MILEY (she and Roxie sit down on the couch)
I know, but maybe...
ROXY (finishing the sentence)
...maybe I do it a little too much sometimes?
MILEY
Roxy, I don't want you out of my life. I just want you in it a smidge less. And I know that's not the way Roxy rolls, but maybe...
ROXY
Child, you ate dog food for me. Maybe I can bend a little for you.
MILEY (hopeful)
So you're not gonna come on dates with me anymore?
ROXY
No, I'm saying you just won't see me.
MILEY
I can live with that.
ROXY
So can I.
Miley and Roxy hug.
ROXY
Oh, but what I can't live with is that doggie breath. Whooowww, stanky! (looking at Miley with a smile) But you still cute.
Roxy and Miley hug again.
***
Later on that evening, Miley, still dressed as Lola, opens the front door of her house and step in. Robby is sitting on the couch.
MILEY
Hey, daddy, look who's back.
Roxy steps through the door.
ROXY
Of course I'm back.
Miley closes the door.
ROXY
The President and his daughter are wonderful people, but they're not family. I was there two days, not a single hug.
ROBBY
Well, let me just take care of that right now.
Robby jumps up and wraps his arms around Roxy.
ROBBY
Oh, it's good to have you back.
Robby tries to release himself, but Roxy tightens her grip.
ROXY
I'm not done! Two whole days, Robby Ray!
Miley chuckles.
ROBBY
Uh, Miley, why are you dressed up like Lola?
MILEY (looking at herself)
Oh, right. We had to switch back at the hotel and...
Miley comes to a sudden realization. They're missing someone.
MILEY
Oh, no. Lilly!
Miley and Roxy race back out.
***
Over at the hotel, Lilly, still dressed as Hannah, is struggling to breath while Sophie is "teaching" her the moves to Nobody's Perfect.
SOPHIE
Now we are going to do this until we get it right. Now, one more time, from the top.
LILLY
But, I...
SOPHIE (holding out a hand from her ears)
What's that, everyone?
The guard is sitting behind an arrangement of chairs with a pile of dolls seated on them.
GUARD (speaking in a girly-doll voice)
"Encore, encore". "More, more".
SOPHIE
You heard them. (clapping) Now, five, six, seven eight!
LILLY/SOPHIE (Lilly is unenthusiastically dancing and singing)
# Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody has those days...
Lilly takes a breather and retreats over to the seats with the dolls.
LILLY (to the guard)
And I'm having one right now.
GUARD
At least you get to go home.
Sophie keeps on dancing.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Sally Lapiduss.
