2x25 - Hannah In The Street With Diamonds

Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Oliver is behind Lily and Miley, who are looking out for Hannah Montana's new diamond.

OLIVER
I still can't believe Hannah's getting her own diamond on the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds!

Oliver poses behind a camera and takes a photo of himself beside a diamond.

MILEY
Oliver. I know it's a big honour but lets not act like tourists. Just be cool.

They come across Madonna's diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! It's Madonna!

LILY
Take our picture, take our picture!

Lily and Miley squat down on the floor beside the diamond, as Oliver goes to take the photo.

OLIVER
(taking photo) Oh yeah. That's really cool. (as they move on) What is it with chicks and Madonna?

As Miley and Lily continue on, Oliver plants a kiss from his hand on the diamond.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
(whispers) I love you. (joins Lily and Miley again)

LILY
So, argh...where's your diamond going to be?

MILEY
(unfolds map) Well, the Hollywood Diamond Committee said it's two past Madonna. So (gestures along the diamonds), Madonna, Brad Pit...

As they count to Hannah's diamond, they see chilli falling down on the diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Yaow!

LILY
What's that gunk on your diamond?

MILEY
It looks like chilli.

They look up and see that it's from the above hot-dog stand.

OLIVER
(dreamily; approaches stand) ...It is chilli.

Miley and Lily follow after him.

MILEY
And it's gross! Come on people, keep it in your buns! (shouting to Hot Dog conveyor) Excuse me!

Miley approaches the conveyor.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Could you move your cart down the street a little?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Could I? Sure. Will I? No.

MILEY
Well, you could put it right by Scooby Doo's Diamond. (howling) 'Hot Dog' on the 'Hot Dog'. (touches cart) I'll help you push.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hands off the cart, princess. I've been slinging weenies on this spot for twenty years and I'll be slinging theme for twenty more.

LILY
But Hannah Montana's Diamond is gonna' be here! And your dogs are leaking on it.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hannah Montana? Why, all the kids in my building love her!

MILEY
(hopeful) So you'll move?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
No, I hate all the kids in my building. Give it up, cupcake. There's nothing in the world that's gonna' get me off of this spot. (ding) Quitting time! (starts pushing cart away) Don't worry, folks. I'll be back tomorrow.

In spitefulness, he purposely spoons some chilli onto Hannah's diamond. The three, Miley in particular, look on in disgust.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR [CONT'D]
Oops. My bad.

Pushing the cart with him, he walks off, Miley calling after him.

MILEY
I...am not cleaning that up, mister! (pause) Oliver, clean it up.

OLIVER
No.

A flower cart comes along beside Hannah's diamond, where the Hot Dog stand was previously situated.

LILY
Oh, hey, look, flowers! At night, devoted fans can place rose petals on your diamond to cover up the chilli stink!

MILEY
Still disgusting. But better!

A sneeze is heard from the flower seller.

OLIVER
Are you alright?

FLOWER SELELR
Fine. The flowers make me phlegmy.

He breathes in, snorts, before finally spitting down on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
Ewgh!

LILY
Right on the diamond.

MILEY
Let me guess. You've been here twenty years and you'll be here twenty more.

FLOWER SELLER
And after that my son will take over. (indicates the dorky kid beside him)

In a similar fashion as to what his father recently displayed, the son spits out on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
(annoyed) Whoa. Talk about your spitting image.

***

OPENING CREDITS

Starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

And BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Stewart Household – Miley and her father, Robby, are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

MILEY
It was disgusting! There was so much gunk in the sidewalk it was like I was getting my diamond on Uncle Earl's back porch!

ROBBY
Come on darlin', I'm eating here. Besides, it's not important where they put the diamond, it's the fact they gave you one in the first place.

MILEY
But the place they gave me is on the corner of Chilli Avenue and Snot-Rocket Boulevard!

ROBBY
Now let me tell you, when they gave me my diamond, what they did was...

MILEY
(interrupts) Put it right in front of the world-famous Chinese Theatre? Right where the tour bus lets off?

ROBBY
They say it's one of the most photographed diamonds out there, but...I may not be the best example.

MILEY
'Ya think?

The two of them stand up and make their way over to the kitchen.

ROBBY
Let me tell you honey, what's important is, always remember, "it's just an honour to have one".

MILEY
Alright, great. Then you'll give me yours!

ROBBY
Oh, honey! That wouldn't be right, then you would have a great spot and learn nothing. What kind of a father would I be if I let that happen?

MILEY
The kind that just wants to keep his spot!

ROBBY
Oh, honey, I had it first! Besides, it's right next to John Wayne! The duke, honey, the duke!

MILEY
But you said that location doesn't matter.

ROBBY
It doesn't. I'm just too old to listen to myself. You, on the other hand, legally have to. Bye-bye!

He skips off upstairs.

***

Jackson is in his car, trying to get it to start up. After unsuccessfully trying again, he jumps out and goes to the front bonnet.

JACKSON
Please just be a little broken, please just be a little broken!

As he opens the bonnet, smoke comes flying out at him from everywhere. He goes over and starts kicking the tyre.

JACKSON [CONT'D]
I said please! (the metallic ring of the tyre detaches due to the kicking, and the air deflates) Argh! And I was going to get you a hot wax!

Sighing, he takes out his mobile and raises it to his ear. Over at Rico's Shack, he is sitting on the counter as his phone rings and he answers.

RICO
Heyo! It's Rico!

JACKSON
Rico, my car broke down. I'm going to be late for work.

RICO
Sure, these things happen, I totally understand.

JACKSON
Gee, thanks, man!

RICO
Of course, if you're not here in five minutes, you're fired!

JACKSON
Oh, come on! Have a heart!

RICO
(looks down at his watch teasingly) Four fifty nine, four fifty eight, fifty seven...tick tock, tick tock!

JACKSON
Wait a minute, wait a minute! What if I get somebody to cover my shift?

RICO
Is it somebody like you, or someone with a brain?

JACKSON
(laughs) That's a good one boss. Hey, want to hear another good one?

He takes his phone and puts it on the bonnet and beeps on the horn. In alarm Rico falls behind the counter at the Shack.

***

Rico is behind the counter, looking down at his watch, awaiting Jackson's arrival.

RICO
Three...two...

Robby, in tight jeans and a "Rico's Shack" shirt, approaches the counter.

ROBBY
Hey, boss. What do you want me to do first?

RICO
Oh, jumbo Jackson. This is gonna' be good.

***

Hannah Montana enters Randall Garrison's (the head of the Hollywood Diamond Committee's) office.

HANNAH
(entering office) Excuse me. I am looking for a...Mr Randall Garisson, the President of the Parade of Diamonds Committee.

RANDALL
(turning) You found him. (jumps up) Argh!

HANNAH
Argh!

RANDALL
What?

HANNAH
I don't know, you screamed first.

RANDALL
I'm just so thrilled to finally meet Hannah Montana. What can I do for you? Whatever it is, the answer is yes.

HANNAH
Great. Move my diamond!

RANDALL
Argh...no.

HANNAH
But you said the answer is yes.

RANDALL
I lied.

HANNAH
But, Mr Garrison, you don't understand. There's this hot dog guy with drippy chilli, and this phlegmy flower family going...(impersonates sneeze) all over my diamond, and now all over your shoe. (pause; grins) Sorry?

RANDALL
So am I. Look, rules are rules. Only once in our history have we ever moved a diamond.

HANNAH
Whose diamond?

RANDALL
Your diamond.

HANNAH
My diamond?

RANDALL
Originally, you were in a wonderful spot, then I switched it. Special request from a great talent and an even greater humanitarian. That's right. I'm talking about...(presents a large photo of him and a puppet) ...Pancake Buffalo!

HANNAH
A puppet? I lost my diamond to a pile of purple felt with a hand where it's heinie should be?

RANDALL
Hold it right there. When I was a little boy, and TV was my only friend, that pile of purple felt taught me how to love.

HANNAH
(touched) Very, very touching. (flared) Switch me back!

RANDALL
And put my little Buffalo back under that horrible pile of chilli and lung lava? (slight laughter) I don't think so.

HANNAH
Fine. If you won't do the right thing, then I'll just go talk to the hand.

RANDALL
What hand?

HANNAH
The hand that's up to it's elbow in buffalo butt.

***

Rico's Shack. Robby is serving someone.

ROBBY
Here you go. Enjoy. Y'all come back now, you hear? (the customers walk off as he hands them their nachos)

Rico stands beside him, carrying over a tin of nachos.

RICO
Excuse me, Mr. Stewart. Anyone ever told you you've got great hair?

ROBBY
(strokes his hair) Oh, Rico. Is the sky blue?

RICO
I wouldn't know. I'm not looking at the sky. I'm looking at hairy nachos!

Rico pulls out from the nachos a string of hair with cheese drizzling off it.

RICO [CONT'D]
A friend of yours, I presume?

ROBBY
I guess I could wear a hat.

RICO
Thanks. But I got a better idea.

Cuts to Robby sitting on a seat at the counter – Rico is behind him putting a hairnet on Robby.

RICO
There.

Robby looks at his hair in the mirror on the sunglasses shack.

ROBBY
This is a crime against nature!

RICO
Fine, you can lose the hairnet, but Jackson will lose his job.

ROBBY
You are an evil little boy!

RICO
Flattery will get you nowhere. Now I believe it's time to scrape the gum from underneath the counter. (he has handed Robby the scraper)

Rico places a piece of gum underneath the counter, as we see the millions of other pieces dismissed there.
RICO [CONT'D]
This may take some time. I chew a lot of gum. (Robby leans to look under the counter) Hey, cafeteria lady. Less lookey, more scrapey.

ROBBY
You are about to find yourself in a very sticky situation.

Cuts to Jackson running in behind the counter, his face full of black dust.

JACKSON
Hey, Rico, I got my car started! Rico?

There is a knock from beneath the counter. Jackson looks under and finds Rico trapped hanging underneath, his clothes stuck against the gum.

JACKSON
My dad?

RICO
Yeah.

JACKSON
I'm fired?

RICO
Oh yeah.

***

At the "Pancake Buffalo" TV recording station set. "Astronaut Hector" is standing by a rock – where Pancake Buffalo is singing a tune. Hannah, Lola and Mike are on the set watching. Lola and Mike are dancing along to the tune.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And that's all the planets in our solar system, we'll sing them again tomorrow, in case you missed them.

HECTOR
I'm Astronaut Hector!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And I'm Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO / HECTOR
(sings) And that's the end of our out-of-this-world, outer space, intergalactic show.

PANCAKE BUFALLO
(laughs) Bye-bye, kids!

HECTOR
Aidos!

As Hector waves, Lola and Mike wave back at him. Cindy Merriwether, the operator behind Pancake Buffalo's puppet, comes out from behind the rock.

CINDY
Oh, that was a wonderful rehearsal. Hector, you deserve an extra-special cupcake.

HECTOR
(walks away; annoyed) Eight years of drama school for this.

LOLA
(excited) I can't believe I'm this close to Pancake Buffalo! That little puppet taught me how to go potty. (starts to sing) Diapers are for babies, I'm a big kid don't you know. And when I get that uh-oh feeling...(Mike joins in) I know where to go! The potty, the potty, and flush it all down!

HANNAH
(interrupts) I get it! I get it. You got the "potty" in you. (turns to Cindy, who is holding Pancake Buffalo still) Excuse me, Miss Pancake Buffalo puppet-person lady.

CINDY
Hi, I'm Cindy Merriwether, and I know who you are, Hannah Montana. (turning to Mike and Lola) But I don't know who you are, or you either. But that's OK, because...

MIKE, LOLA & CINDY
(starting to sing) When you don't know someone's name...

HANNAH
(interrupts) It's Mike and Lola! Anyway, I hear that argh...Pancake and I are gonna' be neighbours on the Parade of Diamonds.

CINDY
And Pancake is so excited!

HANNAH
Miss Meriwether? I'm not a kid anymore. You don't have to pretend like Pancake's real.

CINDY
What do you mean?

HANNAH
That he's a puppet.

CINDY
Oh, no, he's not.

HANNAH
Yes he is. You operate him behind this thing.

CINDY
No I don't. Pancake is my special friend. At my high school reunion, he was my date. It's nap time, Pancake...(approaches puppet)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) Boing!

MIKE
Well, she's just deep into character.

LOLA
(as Cindy walks off) Yeah, scary deep!

Cindy is over at the foods.

CINDY
Bindenboudenschlasser truffles, (to Hannah) made with milk from happy Swiss cows. Now, what can I do for you?

HANNAH
Well, you see, argh...(Cindy "shushes" her) Well, you know that you kind of...(Cindu "shushes" her again) Well, you and...(Cindy "shushes" her for a third time, Hannah is now angry) You stole my diamond!

CINDY
Now, you don't need to use your angry voice.

MIKE
You know, she's always had a problem with that.

HANNAH
(angry) Zip it!

MIKE
You see?

CINDY
Hannah, darling. Cindy understands why you're such a grumpy-umpus. You had the diamond first, and we shouldn't have switched it without asking.

HANNAH
So you'll switch me back?

CINDY
(starting for Pancake) Oh, I would love to.

HANNAH
(following her) Yes!

CINDY
But it's not up to me. (squats down behind rock)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) I don't like where this is going!

Pancake, the puppet, pops up from behind the rock.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
It's up to me, blondie. So ask me with your happy voice!

HANNAH
Cindy, please.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(angry) There's no Cindy down here! Now let me hear that happy voice!

HANNAH
OK. (with reluctance in her tone) Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Mmm-hmm?

HANNAH
Will you please give me my diamond back?

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Oh, well now that you put it that way...No!

HANNAH
But that's not fair!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You want to switch diamonds? Go ask that Garrison bozo. Oh wait a minute...he loves me!

HANNAH
OK, listen here you glorified oven mitt.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, Hannah, want to know the weather report for Montana? Chilli all day, with a 100% chance of spit showers! (evil laughter)

Hannah forces a fake smile and laugh, before violently reaching to choke the puppet.

HANNAH
Arghhh!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Security! Security!

Mike and Lola pull Hannah away (though it does take them a while). Pancake calls after them.


PANCAKE BUFFALO
Don't validate her parking!

Hannah's temper flares again – she races over to the puppet and goes behind the rock, attempting to pull it from Cindy's hand. Lola runs over to get Hannah away.

***

Hannah, followed by Lola and Mike, enter Randall Garrison's office again.

HANNAH
Excuse me, Mr. Garrison.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...again. And if it's about your diamond, I don't want to hear it.

HANNAH
But Mr Garrison, you don't understand. I went to Cindy Merriwether, and she made me talk to the puppet like it was real.

RANDALL
He is real to millions of children. So...(excited) what did he say?

HANNAH
Your fuzzy little friend called you a bozo.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...

LOLA
But it's true!

MIKE
We were there.

The phone beside him rings.

RANDALL
If you'll excuse me.

Randall answers the phone, as the three teens congregate over in the corner a little.

HANNAH
OK, that's it! If Captain Kiss-Up is not gonna' believe that Merriwether and her puppet are evil, we will just have to show him.

MIKE
And how do we do that?


LOLA
Well, it usually involves bad accents, sticky food and dumb costumes.

HANNAH
That is so not true! (pause) Hey Oliver, can you get your hands on your mom's old security outfit?

OLIVER
Oh, I'm so in! (runs out)

LOLA
Rookie!

Hannah and Lola run out after him.

***

The beach outside Rico's – Rico's nails are being groomed by two young, attractive ladies.

RICO
Keep them sharp. I like to scratch. Arghh! (he claws at the two of them)

Jackson approaches, then calls back for Robby.

JACKSON
Come on! We talked about this.

ROBBY
Fine. (with reluctance, he walks over)

JACKSON
Hey Rico. There's someone here who wants to talk to you.

RICO
I'm all ears.

ROBBY
I'm sorry. My behaviour was totally inappropriate and it disgraced this fine establishment. (whispers to Jackson) I hate this!

JACKSON
Just do it!

ROBBY
And it in no way reflects the opinion of my diligent, hard working son. There!

RICO
What can I say? I'm as forgiving as I am handsome. Apology accepted. Now was that so hard?

ROBBY
You really want to rattle gator's cage, boy?

RICO
No, sir.

ROBBY
You're a genius.

He walks off.

JACKSON
OK, so...I guess I'll just go back to work then?

RICO
(to the girls beside him) I always wondered why he was such a loser. (Jackson turns back) Now I know. He gets it from his Dad.

JACKSON
'Scuse me?

RICO
Talk about your country dumpkin!

JACKSON
"Country Dumpkin"?

Jackson eyes Rico angrily – and suddenly a large shadow overtakes Rico's now frightened figure.

RICO
(scared) Jackson!

***

Jackson is behind the counter at Rico's, and Rico is once again trapped beneath the counter, stuck to the gum.

JACKSON
Say it! Go on, say it.

RICO
Alright, I'm sorry.

JACKSON
And?

RICO
(quietly) I have a big mouth.

JACKSON
(teasingly) I can't hear you.

RICO
(shouts) I have a big mouth!


JACKSON
Now was that so hard?

RICO
This isn't funny!

JACKSON
That's right. (takes a piece of gum from his mouth) But this is! (sticks gum to Rico's nose)

Without saying a word, Rico's facial expression turns "grossed-out" and he squirms to get the gum off his nose. Jackson grins.

***

Outside the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Randall is standing by Cindy.

RANDALL
Well, we have two hours before the ceremony, is there anything you or Pancake need?

CINDY
No, Randall. Thanks to you we're right as rainbows. And Pancake is so happy you moved his diamond home. He has a special surprise. For you!

Cindy leans down under the lectern.

RANDALL
Calm down, Randall. You're an adult.

Pancake Buffalo's puppet pops up from under the lectern.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hi Randall!

RANDALL
(excited) Hi Pancake!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You've been so wonderful, I'm making you an honorary Buffalo buddy! Ha!

RANDALL
I've always wanted to be a Buffalo buddy. I could never collect enough box tops, because my mom always said "your cereal is too sugary". Meanwhile, she was packing away the doughnuts like they were going out of style!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Now, Randall.

RANDALL
I know. Angry voice. (ashamed in himself) I'm sorry.

Oliver, disguised as a police officer, approaches Randall.
OLIVER
You got a permit for this little party?

RANDALL
Of course I do. It's argh...in my car.

OLIVER
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll ask the questions around here.

RANDALL
I wasn't asking a question, Officer...(looks at badge) Nancy Oiken?

OLIVER
My father named me that. His name was Harriet. You got a problem with that?

RANDALL
No...not if you don't?

OLIVER
Just get the permit sir.

Randall walks way. Oliver steps away and talks into the walkie-talkie.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
Proceeding east with suspect.

He passes by Miley, who is crouched down behind a sign.

MILEY
Roger, Nancy. Phase two is a go!

Lily, in disguise, is carting by a chocolate stand.

LILY
(German accent) Yodel he he who! I've got Bindenboudenschlasser chocolate for you!

Cindy pops her head up from under the lectern.

CINDY
Oh! Did somebody say Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates? (chases after Lily)

LILY
Milk the happy Swiss cows myself. Squirter, squeezer. Squirter, squeezer.

CINDY
Wait, wait. (calls over lectern) Pancake, honey, mommy will be back in just a sec! (chases after Lily)

Miley goes behind the lectern to reach for Buffalo as Cindy disappears, and Oliver comes walking along with Randall. Oliver is examining the permit.
OLIVER
This permit looks good. You'd be surprised how many people try to get fancy with the Nancy. (Oliver's walkie-talkie starts to go off)

OLIVER'S MOTHER (V/O)
Oliver, it's your mother! Stop messing with my walkie-talkie!

OLIVER
(embarrassed; tuts) I gotta' go.

Oliver runs off. Randall turns back to the lectern.

RANDALL
Sorry about that. Miss Merriwether? Pancake? It's me! Your...argh, Buffalo Buddy!

Miley, who is hidden behind the lectern, has put the puppet on her hands and impersonates the voice as she pops it up.

MILEY
(impersonating Pancake Buffalo) Oh, get over it, you snivelling little dork!

RANDALL
(fake laughter) What?

MILEY
Hey, folks! Want to see a genuine Hollywood freak? Check out the middle-aged loser talking to a puppet!

RANDALL
(through consistent laughter) No, I'm not talking to a puppet. I...(speaks quickly to Buffalo) How can you say that? We're Buffalo Buddies!

MILEY
Yeah, and it's a big deal. When you're three! Grow up, or do you want to spend the rest of your life living with your doughnut-scarfing mother?

RANDALL
(laughs) That's enough Miss Merriwether, that's enough!

MILEY
No, this is enough. (laughs, and the puppet bites into Randall's nose)

RANDALL
That's it! I'm giving Hannah Montana her spot back!

The puppet releases.

MILEY
(no longer in puppet voice) Yes!


RANDALL
You've just bought yourself a one-way ticket to loogie land!

Cindy is making her way back to the lectern, Lily is following behind her with the cart.

LILY
Kummen Sie back!

CINDY
No! Those are not real Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates!

LILY
Yeah, they are!

RANDALL
Miss Merriwether?

Cindy looks over and sees that Pancake is being operated.

CINDY
Pancake?

MILEY
N'arghhh!

Miley chucks the puppet up into the air, and Randall catches it. Miley quickly jumps to her feet and runs off. Lily follows.

LILY
Yumpin' yimminy!

Lily runs off, turning back and getting a jar of chocolate. She then turns and runs again.

***

Hannah's diamond – Lily and Oliver are dropping hot dog chilli on it, Miley is sweeping it up.

MILEY
Guys!

LILY
Sorry.

OLIVER
But these things are so good!

MILEY
Great. Even my friends splat on my diamond! I wish I wouldn't have even gotten this stupid thing.

As the three of them walk off, a young girl runs over to Hannah's diamond.

GIRL
Mommy! Mommy! It's Hannah Montana's diamond! Take my picture.

The girl crouches down beside the diamond, as her mother snaps a picture.

LILY
Looks like she thinks it's pretty cool.

OLIVER
You know, if your fans don't care where you diamond is...

MILEY
Then I shouldn't either? I guess that it is what it's really all about.

OLIVER
Pretty much.

MILEY
I cannot believe how nuts I went trying to get my spot back.

As they walk away, they come across some workmen lowering a portable toilet onto Pancake Buffalo's diamond.

WORKMAN (V/O)
That's it. Set her down easy, right on top of old Pancake Buffalo.

LILY
Hey, look at that, a gift from above.

MILEY
I'll be right back. I gotta' go leave a little something for Pancake. (she smiles, as she enters the toilet)

***

Pancake's diamond – a Workman goes to open the door of the portable bathroom, but Pancake's puppet pops out.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, where do you think you're going, buddy?

WORKMAN
Well, I gotta...

PANCAKE BUFFALO
No you don't!

WORKMAN
Oh, yes I do.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Then try the gas station for blocks down. Ha, looks like you could use the exercise.

WORKMAN
What am I doing? You're a puppet!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah. A puppet that's about to knock you silly!

The workman backs away, as others pass by.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah! Be scared! (an old lady passes by) Anybody else want a piece of me? How about you, grandma? Yeah! Yeah!

The old lady backs away, terrified.

Hannah Montana and all related entities © Walt Disney

No infringement intended.