Wednesday, December 16, 2009

2x23 - The Way We Almost Weren't

Hannah Montana, is on stage in Albekirki, New Mexico, performing Old Blue Jeans...

***

Hannah is stepping up into her tour bus, being slaughtered by fans. Jackson is inside and Robby walks in with her.

HANNAH
Thank you, thank you! (turns to Robby) Where are we?

ROBBY
Albekirki.

HANNAH
Albekirki! My favorite city, and my favorite state...

JACKSON
Gwarm...

HANNAH
(not knowing what she is saying) Gwarm!

FANS
(indistinctly) Huh?

Hannah turns to Jackson and screws up her face. Jackson shrugs his shoulders.

HANNAH
(half joking) I hate you. (turning to fans) I love you all, toodles! (the door closes; she speaks into the intercom) Get us out of here, Larry!

Hannah pushes Jackson onto the seat as she goes past.

***

At night, on the tour bus. Miley is brushing her teeth at the sink, Robby is reading the map and Jackson is trying to scoop up some leftover jelly off the table (the car is wobbly).

MILEY
One of the things I love about this bus. It brushes for you. (misses the sink when she spits) But it could use a bigger sink. (answers her phone) Hey, Lilly. (sits down beside Jackson) Yeah, we just left the show in Albekirki. Yes in New Mexico, where else would it be! (looks at Jackson) ...gwarm? (pause) What? Shut up! No, you shut up. (to Robby) Oh my gosh, dad. Lilly's got extra tickets to Maroon 5 tomorrow night. We've gotta get home!

ROBBY
Oh no, but I was kinda' hoping we could take the scenic route, maybe stop and see a couple historical...

JACKSON / MILEY
(whining) Come on!

MILEY
Daddy! Not another rock where Louis and Clark took a "tinkle break".

ROBBY
When I said they were marking their territory, I meant surveying.

JACKSON
Dad, call it whatever you want, it's boring. Can we please just go home?

MILEY
Yeah, please, please, please, PLEASE! (to phone) Help me out, Lilly. (holds the phone to Robby's ear, we hear Lilly indistinctly in the background) Please, please, please, PLEASE! Twenty one hours of that, daddy. In Lilly-Miley surround sound.

ROBBY
(standing) What do you want to do, Miley? Just race your way through life never taking time to stop along the way and smell the roses? (pause) Maybe miss some wonderful surprise that's right in front of you that could change you forever?

MILEY
(pause) Yep, that's pretty much the plan! (Robby flicks his hand and walks off, Miley takes his place on the couch) Lilly, save me a ticket, I'm on my way home.

Over at the table, Jackson has managed to balance the jelly on his palm - but as they come to a bump in the ride, the jelly goes flying onto Miley's head.

MILEY
Lilly, I gotta' go. Apparently, dessert's on me tonight! (Jackson reaches and eats it from her head) Ewgh!

***

The next morning, Miley and Jackson are at the sink doing their morning ablutions. As the bus comes to a halt, Miley is knocked and accidently spreads her lipstick over her chin.

JACKSON
(chuckles) Whoa, back up Larry, she missed a spot!

Miley puts some lipstick across Jackson's face.

MILEY
That's alright, Larry! I got it.

Robby comes out from behind with his coat.

ROBBY
Son, you might want to go easy on the make up, we're not in Los Angeles yet.

MILEY
Then why are we stopping?

ROBBY
Because we're at a historical landmark! (Jackson and Miley whine with aggravation) Look, it's raining outside, I'm hungry, and besides, this diner comes with one heck of a good story. And, you made me drive right past the world's largest rubber band ball! You owe me.

MILEY
Fine - I know where you can find the world's largest pile of dirty socks. Jackson's room! Let's drive.

JACKSON
And if you're good, I'll let you ride down the underwear mountain. (he and Miley mime a mountain ride)

ROBBY
Now I don't want to hear it. We're gonna' stop and smell the dang roses, and you're 'gonna like it! So clean up your faces, get off this bus and start sniffing!

Robby starts to walk out, as Miley and Jackson turn in the opposite direction stomping their feet and whining.

MILEY
(whiny) Oh, daddy!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

In the cafe, Jackson, Robby and Miley are sitting at a table opposite each other. The kids make it clear through their facial expression that they do not want to be there.

ROBBY
Relax. We won't be here more than a half-hour tops.

They look over and watch the elderly woman waiter struggling to make her way over to the table with her notepad.

JACKSON
Dad, it's 'gonna take her a half-hour just to get here.

MILEY
Um, excuse me, we're ready to order.

LORETTA
Oh, forgot my pen, be back in a jiff.

She turns to walk away, and Miley sighs.

***

Robby is eating into his burger.

ROBBY
You just can't find an old-fashioned hamburger like this out on the main highway. Makes you want to savor every bight.

But Miley is hurriedly picking up the french fries from her plate.

MILEY
Yeah, sure...eating, savoring, done. Let's go. (goes for the door)

ROBBY
Oh, now come on Miley, slow down. Even your brother's getting into the spirit of this place.

JACKSON
Wa-who! Prospector Pete found his way through the maze to the gold! (places the page on top of a pile) Again.

ROBBY
Now, about that story...twenty years ago, I walked into this very place and had an experience that changed my life.

MILEY
Let me guess, daddy. You saw your first mullet (ruffles Robby's hair) and knew that was the do for you. (Robby strokes out his hair) What a great story, I'm wellin' up...let's go.

ROBBY
You know what, if you don't want to hear the story that I'm not gonna' tell it.

JACKSON
Oh, you showed us! Let's go. (joins Miley)

ROBBY
OK, if you two are in such a dang fire hurry, then just go out on the bus and wait. I'm gonna' sit here and enjoy my delicious burger, and think of the memories of a wonderful story that you two will never know. (pause; calls over to the counter) Excuse me, ma'am, may I have another cup of your delicious coffee?

LORETTA
Oh, you're in luck. I'm brewing a fresh pot. (spoons in the coffee powder slowly) One...two...(beeping)...oohh, time for my break. (bends her head, closes her eyes and starts snoring)

By now, Miley and Jackson are standing by the counter. Miley leans in at Loretta.

MILEY
Brriingg!

LORETTA
(goes back to slowly spooning in the coffee powder) ...three...four...

Miley and Jackson turn for the door, shooting Robby an annoyed look as they walk past.

MILEY
I hope you're happy.

ROBBY
(with the hamburger in his mouth) I am!

Jackson and Miley walk out.

***

Outside Rico's, on the beach, Oliver is gluing together some chairs as Lilly approaches.

LILLY
Hey, Oliver. Here's your ticket for Maroon 5 tonight...(goes to hand it to him, then pulls back)...where's my fifty bucks?

OLIVER
You'll get it. Right after Rico pays me for fixing these chairs. Little genius was 'gonna pay a professional for a hundred bucks, I did it for half, and all it took was like, five minutes and some monster glue. (he has sat down on one of the glued chairs) Ah. Who's the genius now?

Oliver goes to stand up, and finds that he is glued to the chair.

LILLY
(laughs) Looks like it's still Rico.

OLIVER
Would you just give me a hand?

Cheekily, Lilly applauds him.

LILLY
I always wanted to do that.

OLIVER
Now would you just help me out of this thing?

Lilly goes to tug him out, but she ends up falling on the chair opposite...

OLIVER
Oh-oh...

LILLY
You fixed this one too, didn't you.

OLIVER
It's solid, isn't it.

LILLY
Come here, come here.

OLIVER
(starts backing away) No.

LILLY
No, I'm not gonna' hurt you!

OLIVER
That's what you always say before you hurt me!

LILLY
Get over here!

Attached to their chairs, Lilly chases Oliver away...

***

A little while later, Lilly and Oliver walk back onto the scene now with both of their chairs attached together at the back.

OLIVER
OK, this part...this was not my fault.

LILLY
(spins her end up a little) Aargh, that's OK...what's in front of you right now?

OLIVER
A post...

LILLY
Oh, good!

Lilly pushes Oliver into the post.

***

Miley is looking at her reflection in the mirror as she brushes her hair.

MILEY
He said half an hour and he's still not back! This can only mean one thing. That mirange-loving hillbilly ordered a second piece of pie. I am not 'gonna miss Maroon 5. Come on Jackson, let's go.

Miley hits a button and Jackson comes sliding out of the door, on a board playing a virtual-down hill game.

JACKSON
You go, I'm about ready to break my downhill record!

MILEY
You're about to break something alright.

Miley hits the button which makes the board go faster...

JACKSON
No, no...wait, it's too fast! No, no, no...too fast!! (he falls back onto the couch) Awesome! I 'gotta do that again!

Miley closes the game in.

MILEY
Sorry buddy, slopes are closed, let's go. And this time, I'm taking off the gloves. (sits down; acting) Daddy...I want to go home...(whimpers; resumes normality) Yep, that orta' get it done, let's go.

As Miley opens the door, a long gust of wind blows and Miley is struck down back into the bus - by lightning! Jackson runs to her side and starts shaking her awake.

JACKSON
Miley? Miley? Miley! Are you okay?

MILEY
(sits up) Next time, you're going first.

***

Miley and Jackson walk into the Hot Spot cafe.

MILEY
That's weird...what happened to the storm?

JACKSON
(as they look around) What happened to this place?

A young Loretta walks past carrying a plate.

LORETTA
Alrightie, hot stuff coming through, and I'm not talking about the food, sweet-cakes.

MILEY
What happened to her? Where's daddy?

JACKSON
I 'dunno, let's ask mom...(sudden realization of what he has just said...)

They look over and see that their young mom, over by the counter rocking out to her headphones. Loretta walks over to their mom.

LORETTA
Shake you tail, college girl, your got tables.

MOM
Whatever, Loretta! (walks on past them)

MILEY
Oh, come on, there is no way that's mom. That's...that's just a girl who looks exactly like mom when she was in college.

JACKSON
(looks over at the calendar) 1987!

MILEY
I don't know the exact year.

JACKSON
(walking over to the calendar) I do! 1987! June 2nd, to be exact.

MILEY
Brother in a time warp say what?

JACKSON
The...the....the lightning! It must have zapped us back in time somehow.

MILEY
That's crazy. And I am going to prove it to you. (walks over to her mom) Excuse me, ma'am. I'm taking a little survey, if you had a daughter, what would you name her?

MOM
Miley.

MILEY
Thank you...(walks away with Jackson)...we're in trouble.

JACKSON
I know...whoaw, look at her!

MILEY
I know, she's beautiful.

JACKSON
Our mom was totally hot!

Their younger father, Robby, with his mullet, enters the cafe.

MILEY
And our dad was totally not!

JACKSON
Quick, hide!

MILEY
(as Robby walks by) Jackson! Hello, no reason to hide, we're not born yet.

JACKSON
Right...force of habit.

ROBBY
(at the counter) Excuse me, ma'am.

LORETTA
Sorry, hon, be right back. (turns away)

ROBBY
Oh, man...

MILEY
Oh, my gosh. Jackson, this is the story he wanted to tell us! The thing that changed his life. It was mom. We're actually going to see the moment they met.

They watch in eagerness, as their mom walks past Robby with her headphones in, rocking out.

ROBBY
Aargh, excuse me, miss...(Miley and Jacksons' mom doesn't listen)...I'm like totally lost and kinda' in a hurry, which way back to highway ten?

Mom mutters some singing and dances away, unknowing to the question Robby has just asked her. Miley and Jackson share a glare.

LORETTA
Left at the traffic light, can't miss it, hunky boy.

ROBBY
Wicked cool, foxy mama. (walks out)

MILEY
W...w...w...wait, where's he going?

JACKSON
(panicky) OK...don't panic. He's gotta' come back, right. I mean, obviously they met, or we wouldn't even be here.

Jackson holds up his right hand and a hole is visible through the middle of his palm.

MILEY
Aarghh...Jackson...

Jackson flinches when he sees the hole in the middle of his palm. He squints his head to look through it, and then hides it.

JACKSON
OK, now we can panic!

***
Jackson is sitting a table in the café, covering his hands, as Loretta walks over with the pot of coffee.

LORETTA
Coffee?

JACKSON
Argh, yeah. Non-fat vanilla decaf half cap-cup with just a dollop of foam.

LORETTA
(confused) Coffee?

JACKSON
Yes, please.

Loretta pours his mug full.

LORETTA
There you go.

JACKSON
Thank you.

Loretta walks off. As Jackson reaches for his mug he finds that his left hand now has a hole in the middle of his palm as well!

JACKSON
No, don't, don't, don't! (hides his hand again) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Miley comes running in and sits beside Jackson.

MILEY
Dad's not going anywhere for a while.

JACKSON
How do you know?

MILEY
While he was on the pay phone...(puts a distributor cap on the table)...I pulled that out of his car. I don't know what it is...

ROBBY
(standing at the door) Somebody stole my distributor cap!

MILEY
(hiding the distributor cap) ...but I'm guessing it's a distributor cap.

ROBBY
(sitting down at the counter) Frost my applesauce. I've still got two days of driving to get back to Nashville, and now I gotta' sit here and waste time waiting on a mechanic.

MILEY
(to Jackson) Are you OK? Did anything else disappear?




JACKSON
Well, argh...let's just put it this way. If I want to drink my coffee, I have to do it like this - (sips his tongue on the coffee like a cat with milk) Why isn't anything happening to you?

MILEY
I don't know...you're the oldest. First in...first out.

JACKSON
Well, then, we've got to get them together before I totally disappear!

MILEY
Jackson, relax. They're only a few feet away.

ROBBY
(looking at menu) Could I get some coffee please?

MILEY
Here it comes!

Mom is talking on the phone, as she goes to pour some coffee for Robby, but Loretta gets in first.

LORETTA
Sure thing, sugar.

MILEY
...and there it goes!

MOM
(on phone) I am out of here in like twenty minutes, and then we can totally hit that party! Awesome! (hangs up)

JACKSON
How are they going to fall in love? They won't even look at each other!

MILEY
Jackson, that's it! Any time dad talks about meeting mom, he always says that they fell in love the minute they looked into each other's eyes. So all we've got to do is get them to slow down, and take the time to look at each other, oh boy...

Miley is looking up at the hole which is now through the middle of Jackson's head!

JACKSON
What? (pause) Is there a draft in here?

MILEY
(looking through hole) I was right. There is no brain in there!

***

Lilly and Oliver, attached back to back on their seats, make their way through the front door into the Stewart's house.

LILLY
You are so lucky I'm watering their plants!

OLIVER
Oh, yeah, that's me. Mr Lucky. (pause) Now can we just get the nail polish remover and pray it works? I really don't want to face the guy at the hardware store who told me to be careful with the monster glue.

LILLY
OK, the nail polish remover is in Miley's bathroom.

Lilly in the front, they start to trot up the stairs.

OLIVER
Why do you get to be in the front?

LILLY
Well, 'cause I'm a girl, and you, me and the guy at the hardware store agree that you're an idiot!

Lilly grunts. Oliver bumps into the wall.

LILLY
OK, careful on the stairs!

OLIVER
OK, alright...

LILLY
Steady, steady...

As they turn the corner for the stairs, we hear Oliver sneeze...unattached to each other's chairs, they come falling down abruptly from the stair case.

OLIVER
(after a moment) What, you're not 'gonna say bless you?

LILLY
(gives him a dark look) I'm not feeling it!

OLIVER
OK...

***

At the café, Miley is sitting at the counter saying her order to Mom.

MILEY
So, I would like eggs, a glass of orange juice, you to look lovingly into that mans' eyes, and a side of bacon. (Robby is sitting over a table)

MOM
Listen kid, I am twenty minutes away from a radical party, so don't harsh my mood with your 'tude. Now where's your momma?

MILEY
Closer than you think...

Jackson, wearing a fold to cover the hole in his head, approaches Robby at the front booth.
JACKSON
Hey, dude. Love the mullet.

ROBBY
Hey, dude. Go away!

JACKSON
Did you check out that waitress? She's a babe! And I'm pretty sure she's single!

ROBBY
Listen, kid, I'm kind of working here. "Don't break my heart, my itchy-twitchy heart..." No…"my herky-jerky heart".

JACKSON
You might want to try "achy-breaky".

ROBBY
And you might want to try shopping at a men's store. Achy breaky? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

JACKSON
Let's get a woman's opinion...hey, mom...ma mia...(Italian accent) Mamma mia, she's a cute girl. Oh, waitress!

MOM
Call your jets, I'm coming! (Robby stands)

JACKSON
Where are you going, dad...daddio?

ROBBY
Anywhere that you aren't! (walks off)

JACKSON
(Mom walks over; Robby is gone) But she's here!...oh, sweet niblets.

MOM
Sweet niblets it is. (walks off; Jackson shrugs at Miley)

***

Jackson and Miley are sitting at the counter)

JACKSON
Oh, no...no, no, no, no! (he falls off the stool)

MILEY
What happened?

JACKSON
(slightly embarrassed) My butt's gone...

MILEY
(handing him a tray) Here, here, get up.

JACKSON
(covering his butt with a tray) Just get them together, hurry!
MILEY
Fine!

Jackson rushes into the men's room. Miley turns back to the counter.

MOM
Here are your eggs, scrambled. Kind of like you. (Miley laughs) This seat's too hard. (goes to a different seat on each change; Mom follows with the plate) ...to soft...to high...to low...to lumpy...

LORETTA
Too bad! Now park it froggy, I don't have time for this, I work off tips!

MILEY
Great, then I've got one for you. (sits next to Robby) How about this guy? Business in the front, party in the back! You've got to love that...(Mom has walked off by now; and hasn't noticed Robby)

ROBBY
Didn't you daddy ever tell you not to talk to strangers?

MILEY
Not yet.

ROBBY
Well, he should. First scarf boy, now you. I've had about enough of this. I wish you both would just disappear! (stands)

MILEY
Oh, honey, we're getting' there.

ROBBY
(looking at his notepad) Achy breaky heart...n'argh...

MOM
(walks over to Miley as Robby goes) Now, you eat your eggs and don't you even think about skipping out. I've got my eyes on you!

MILEY
Speaking of eyes, why don't we go look at Mullet Man's? I bet they're gorgeous! (Mom has gone and Loretta is now standing behind Miley) Come on, it'll be fun.

LORETTA
I'm game, how's my hair?

MILEY
Sweet niblets.

LORETTA
Heck, those are popular today! (calling out) Hey, Mel, crack open another can of niblets! (walks into the kitchen)

***

Jackson is sitting on top of the tray (on a seat) in the café, Miley standing by him.


MILEY
Come on Jackson, we've gotta' get them back together. You're usually good at this.

JACKSON
Sorry, but I'm only half the man I used to be. (he slowly begins to fade out into air...) Make that a quarter...an eighth...a sixteenth...

MILEY
Jackson??

JACKSON
Bye...(he has fully disappeared now)

MILEY
Jackson? (grabs the tray he was sitting on and hugs it) I'll miss you, little buddy.

A tow-truck driver enters the café.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Did somebody call for a tow truck?

ROBBY
(going for the door) It's about time!

MILEY
(running over to him) No, wait, don't go!

ROBBY
What?

Over at the counter, Mom is getting ready to hang up her apron and knock off...

MOM
Oh, well, Loretta, that was my last customer, toodles!

MILEY
No, stop!

Miley sighs, pauses – and falls to the ground.

ROBBY
What in the world?

MILEY
(starting to sit up) Somebody help me! (Loretta approaches) Not you.

Mom and Robby lean down beside her.

MOM
Are you OK, sweet pea?

ROBBY
You know, she does look a little pale.

MOM
I'll go call a doctor.

MILEY
No, stop! You can't leave me. (sitting up) I guess I was just moving so fast, I forgot to see what was right in front of me.

ROBBY / MOM
What?

MILEY
(gestures with her hand) Right in front of me. (lies back down; Robby and Mom are still clueless, looking down at her...) Right in front of me!

Miley tilts Robby and Mom's chins at each other, and they both stare dreamily into each other's eyes...

MOM
My, oh my, she was right about your eyes...

ROBBY
Is that a Tennessee accent I hear?

MOM
Sure enough.

MILEY
Finally...

As the screen fades a little, we cut back to bus – Miley is lying down on the ground, after being struck by lightning, Jackson at her side trying to get her to wake up. It was all a dream!

JACKSONMiley. Miley, are you OK?

MILEY
(sits up) Jackson! You're OK! (hugs Jackson)

JACKSON
(as the two of them stand) Me? You're the one who almost just got hit by lightning!

MILEY
Really? (pause) ...wow.

JACKSON
Look, I'm going to get dad. Let's get out of here.

MILEY
(steps in the way of the door) Wait, wait, wait...what's your hurry? I want to hear that story daddy was going to tell us...I have a feeling it's a good one...

***

In the café, Robby and Miley are sitting opposite Jackson at the front booth.

ROBBY
I looked into her eyes, heard that cute Tennessee accent, and I knew right then she was the one.

MILEY
Daddy. (hugs his arm; old Loretta looks over from the counter)

ROBBY
Yeah. We sat in this very booth right her and talked all night. You know how I knew she loved me?

JACKSON
She laughed at all your jokes?

ROBBY
Every one...then again, maybe she was just laughing at my mullet...

As the scene ends, we see a framed, signed photo of Robby and "Mom" (Susan) and Robby after their marriage.

***

Back at the Stewarts' house, Lilly and Oliver are still lying, attached to their chairs, on the floor beneath the staircase.

LILLY
Did I mention I hate you?

OLIVER
Thirty-seven times!

LILLY
If I miss that Maroon 5 concert, I swear...

OLIVER
You're not 'gonna miss it! Miley said she'd be back, she'll probably be home any minute.

The Stewarts' house phone rings, and the voice mail tone kicks in.

ROBBY (V/O voice mail recording)
We're not here, leave a message!

MILEY (V/O)
Lilly, are you there watering the plants? (as soon as Oliver and Lilly hear Miley's voice, they go for the phone) I tried your cell phone a bunch of times. Hey, argh...I'm sorry, but, I'm not gonna' make the concert. We decided to make a few stops along the way. I got a picture of the world's largest rubber band ball! That sucker is huge! Have a great time at the concert, bye!

Lilly reaches for the phone, but is unable to stretch her arms long enough. She and Oliver are left, struggling on the floor in the kitchen, as the voice mail message ends with a beep.

LILLY
(short of breath) I hate you.

OLIVER
(short of breath also) Thirty-eight.

***

Hannah Montana is © Walt Disney. No infringement is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Andrew Green.

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