Hannah is on-stage performing "Old Blue Jeans". The audience cheers, as she walks backstage. Lola follows her into her dressing room.
LOLA
Hannah, you rock! I can't believe you did three encores! (shuts door, now angry) I can't believe you did three encores. You know we have a Science project due Monday, what is wrong with you?
HANNAH
Oh, oh, OK. Let's leave this boring, rock-star life behind and get back to the glamorous world of earthworm larvae!
There is a knock at the door, and Roxy, Hannah's bodyguard, steps in.
ROXY
You decent, girl? I got your squeaky little friend out here.
Traci Van Horn enters behind Roxy.
TRACI
I told you, it's a nasal condition. And Hannah, I brought someone who wants to meet you! (exit)
LOLA
No way. We're already late and I promised our larvae we'd by home by ten.
HANNAH
(sighs) OK, fine, I'll get rid of whoever it is …
Jesse McCartney enters before Traci.
JESSE
Hey, I'm Jesse.
Excited facial expressions, especially on Lola, show.
HANNAH
(excited) Oh my gosh, it's Jesse McCartney, I love you! (pause) I mean, big fan, big fan.
JESSE
Listen, tonight I am the fan. You did a great job. (to Lola, putting out his hand to shake) And you are?
LOLA
(as she shakes his hand) Eeeep!
JESSE
Nice to meet you…"Eep". Listen, Hannah, a bunch of my friends and I, we're going to the Dragon Room. Wanna come?
HANNAH
Yes.
LOLA
No!
HANNAH
No?
LOLA
Yes!
HANNAH
(turning to Jesse) Excuse us. (Hannah ushers Lola into the corner) What are you doing?
LOLA
Our Science project.
HANNAH
Oh, right. OK, I've got the fix. You do all the work, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!
LOLA
I got a better idea. You give me the Hannah wig, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!
HANNAH
I don't think he speaks "eep"!
JESSE
Listen, ladies, if now's not a good night, why don't we, why don't we do it tomorrow?
HANNAH
That would be absolutely …
LOLA
Math test!
HANNAH
Impossible. How about Tuesday?
LOLA
Yearbook committee!
HANNAH
…Of next week?
LOLA
Homecoming float.
HANNAH
Which I just realized, is no good either. Busy, busy, bee. Yep, that's me! Why don't I just text you?
JESSE
Getting rejected in person is enough. I don't need in writing. Thanks. (he exits)
***
Miley and Lily are sitting on Miley's front porch doing their Science project. Miley is examining a worm.
MILEY
This stinks.
LILY
Of course they stink. They live in their own poop.
MILEY
Not the worms, my life. I cannot believe I gave up Jesse McCartney for a slimy piece of fish bait.
LILY
(taking worm) She didn't mean that, Ernie. She loves you.
She and Miley make their way over to the ledge.
MILEY
If only I could've told Jessie the truth. He would've understood about school stuff…but then I'd blow the secret. This double life is so hard.
Lily points to a shooting star flying across the sky.
LILY
Oh, look! A shooting star! I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?
MILEY
Oh, man…I wish…I wish there was no secret. I was just Hannah Montana all the time. Sure would make life a whole lot easier.
***
The following morning, Hannah Montana is asleep in Miley's bed, in Miley's room. She yawns, as she sits up and strokes her hair. But then she notices she has blonde hair…she tries twisting it, and pulling it off. But it won't budge! She looks around, before going to get a mirror, and looking in horror at her reflection.
HANNAH
What is going on?
Roxy, dressed as an angel, mystically appears at the door.
ROXY
Your wish came true, girl.
HANNAH
Whoa.
ROXY
You didn't want to be Miley. Well now you're all Hannah, all the time.
As Roxy says this, Hannah looks at her reflection in the mirror again.
Hannah is still in Miley's room, Roxy (dressed as an angel) at the door.
HANNAH
What are you talking about?
ROXY
(approaching Hannah) You wished for one life, and you got it. In this world, Miley Stewart never existed.
HANNAH
Haha, very funny, Roxy.
ROXY
Oh, I'm not Roxy. I'm an angel! I'm only taking the shape of Roxy to make you feel more comfortable, and I am loving it!
HANNAH
OK…How about you just wait here while I go get some very nice men with a very big net?
ROXY
Oh, oh you don't believe me. Well, if I wasn't an angel, could I do this?
As angelic chimes sound in the background, Roxy's shoes grow small wings off the side and she floats into the air.
ROXY [CONT'D]
Check out my fly kicks, and I do mean, fly kicks. (lowers herself onto the ground)
HANNAH
No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.
ROXY
Oh, it's already happened. You wished upon a star, and now Hannah Montana is who you are.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Hannah magically disappear into thin air. They reappear downstairs, in the living room, which is "rock-star"-afied.
HANNAH
Wow.
ROXY
Nice crib, huh?
HANNAH
Look at this place! It is so rock-star. (walking through room) I mean, the twinkly lights, the leather couches…and, look at that awesome chandelier! Madonna has one just like it.
ROXY
(guiltily) Not anymore.
HANNAH
I love this!
ROXY
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Hannah's private chef, Pierre, comes over carrying with him a fudge cake with the letters "HM".
PIERRE
Your favourite cake, mademoiselle Montana.
HANNAH
Triple Dutch Chocolate?
PIERRE
With a fudge ripple middle!
HANNAH
I really love this.
PIERRE
I'll put it next to the hot tub, so that you can chill out while you pig out.
Hannah speaks something in French…
HANNAH
I speak French!
ROXY
You have a whole different life. You lived in France, you own polo ponies, and you have a black belt in jujitsu, which came in handy when you fought that tiger on Circus with the Stars. Ha!
HANNAH
I fought a tiger? I am so cool!
As Hannah takes a seat on the lounge, Mr. Corelli enters through the front door.
MR CORELLI
Morning, Hannah.
HANNAH
Mr. Corelli. What are you doing here?
ROXY
Home school teacher. Hannah can't go to public school!
MR CORELLI
Yeah, I dropped by early to grab a little (hits stomach) chow! You know how much I love Pierre's omelette du fromage. By the way, that's French for "Cheese Omelette".
HANNAH
I know!
MR CORELLI
(as they go into the kitchen) Oh, hey, Hannah, do you have that history report for me?
HANNAH
History report…right, well um …
MR CORELLI
(firm) Hey, no excuses young lady, if you do not have that report…(Hannah looks worried, as Mr. Corelli resumes calm voice) Oh who cares! It's home schooling, a la Corelli. By the way, loving the Team Montana jacket! (spins) Bling, bling, bling! Wore it to the salon yesterday, got a free back wax.
HANNAH
So, argh…I don't have to worry about my assignments?
MR CORELLI
You don't have to worry about anything. You…(points at a portrait of Hannah hanging on the wall) are Hannah Montana! Argh!
Hannah smiles as she goes over and lies on the couch, beside Roxy.
HANNAH
And I am loving it.
ROXY
Yeah, life is pretty sweet when you don't have to deal with all that "Miley stuff".
HANNAH
You got that right. No math test, no stinky earthworms and…
ROXY
And more time to spend with your man!
HANNAH
(sits up) I got a man?
ROXY
(as she and Hannah stand) Oh, not just a man…but the man.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and within an instant she and Hannah are teleported away into thin air again…Hannah reappears in a canoe, sitting beside Jesse McCartney, with a French singer rowing the boat and singing.
GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia…
HANNAH
(rests her head on Jesse's shoulder) Oh, mamma mia…
JESSE
The perfect night with the perfect girl.
GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia …
JESSE
I'd sing to you myself…but I need these lips for something else.
HANNAH
Eeep!
JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Eep".
As they are about to lean in and kiss each-other, Roxy comes up out of the water and leans on the side. She is wearing snorkels and a wetsuit.
ROXY
Sorry, sugar lips, but my wings are getting all soggy.
She clicks her fingers, and she Hannah are teleported away again…back at Hannah's house – Roxy is sat on the piano, back in her angel costume, holding a snorkel. Hannah is on the couch, leaning in as though Jessie is still beside her. She falls down onto the pillow.
HANNAH
You couldn't have given me one more minute?
ROXY
Sorry, but the top of the gondola? Romantic. Bottom? Nasty!
HANNAH
I can't believe it. All these years, I was so paranoid about my secret getting out, but, boy was I wrong! This life is perfect.
Candice, Robby's new wife, enters through the front door.
CANDICE
Hannah-kins! How's my favourite little rock-star? (embraces Hannah)
HANNAH
Great. How's my favourite little…
ROXY
(as Candice moves into the kitchen) Stepmom.
HANNAH
Step-what?
ROXY
Candice was your first home school teacher.
HANNAH
And now she's my mom? That must have been some parent teacher conference.
ROXY
Mmm-hmm?
Robby, Hannah's father, enters with a snowboard, and Candice runs to his side.
ROBBY
Hey, hey, hey darling! You missed some gnarly boarding.
HANNAH
Gnarly boarding?
ROBBY
Totally. Next time we go to Switzerland, you so gotta come with us. It was off the hook.
CANDICE
Radical!
ROBBY
But I'm back now baby, give me a big hug.
Hannah and Robby hug.
HANNAH
(feels his arms) Have you been working out?
ROBBY
(referring Candice) I so gotta stay in shape to keep up with this little kitten.
The two make kitty noises at each-other as Robby chases Candice upstairs.
CANDICE
Stop it!
ROXY
I got some yackety-yak coming back. How about you?
HANNAH
Little bit. But you know what? My Dad's happy…and, that's all that matters, right?
ROXY
That's the spirit. Don't let a little bump in the road get you down.
HANNAH
Speaking of little bumps, where's Jackson?
ROXY
Oh, he doesn't live here anymore.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Roxy are teleported away. Hannah, now wearing different clothes and sunglasses, appears at the beach outside Rico's Shack. Roxy comes flying down the sky and lands abruptly on the beach.
ROXY
Argh! (making her way to Hannah) Sometimes this teleporting stuff ain't easy. Oh no, I dinged a wing!
Jackson is disguised as a hermit, scanning the beach for treasure using a metal detector.
JACKSON
Oh, I got you!
HANNAH
Jackson?
JACKSON
Yee, doggies, a quarter! I'm eating good tonight.
HANNAH
(to Roxie) What happened to him?
ROXY
Hannah Montana. He got tired of people pretending to be his friends just to get to you, so he dropped out and became a hermit. (as Jackson passes) A stinky hermit.
JACKSON
(a beach-goer stares at him) Hey, what are you looking at? Get! Get!
HANNAH
What happened to his voice?
ROXY
Nothing, he just does that to scare people away.
HANNAH
Jackson?
Jackson's metal detector crackles at Hannah.
JACKSON
Sweet nuggets! I hit the mother lode. (does a dance, notices that it is Hannah) Oh, it is just the lode.
HANNAH
Jackson, was being my brother really that bad?
JACKSON
Yep. Now get! I got my own life now. And me and my dolphin brothers and sisters don't care about no Hanny Montanny. (a dolphin squeak is heard in the background) Except for Dave. He loves you. Forget it Dave! You want an autograph, you come up here and you ask her yourself.
HANNAH
Wow. When he dropped out he must've landed on his head.
Oliver, dressed in "bling-bling" clothes, is over near Rico's Shack at a telescope pointed at Hannah's house.
OLIVER
Yo, yo, yo, if you want to be a-viewing, on what a pop-stars doing, just slide me a five and watch the Hannah house live.
HANNAH
I cannot believe Oliver's selling peeks into my house. It's like he's turned into a…
ROXY
A stretched out version of that?
Roxy is pointing over at Rico, who is beside Oliver dressed in the exact same clothes. Oliver is counting money.
RICO
How we doing today, Twice My Size?
OLIVER
Making bacon Mini-Me.
RICO
And we ain't faking. Time to do…
RICO / OLIVER
…a little shaking!
They beat and shake around.
ROXY
All this happened because…
HANNAH
Because I was never Miley, I never went to regular school, and so I never met Oliver. I got it. (pause) Oh no. Angel, what happened to Lily?
Amber, Ashley and Lily step out onto the beach.
AMBER
OK, everyone. Prepare to be jealous.
ASHLEY
Because we look…
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Fabulous!
The three of them share a three-way "Ooo-tsss" handshake.
HANNAH
(yells) Noooo! (attracts attention of everyone at beach)
ROXY
You've done it now.
LILY
It's Hannah Montana!
HANNAH
Angel, help!
ROXY
Freeze!
Everyone rushing at Hannah and Roxy freeze in their footsteps.
HANNAH
(takes off sunglasses) OK, you know what? I don't want this life back anymore. I want to be Miley again. I want my friends back.
ROXY
Too late for that. Nobody ever gets a second wish.
HANNAH
Angel say what?
ROXY
This is your life, Hannah.
Roxy gestures with her hands, and motion comes back to life at the running fans. But as they reach Hannah, she and Roxy are teleported away again. Amber, Ashley and Lily fall onto the beach behind.
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY (V/O)
Owgh!
***
Hannah and Roxy appear in Hannah's living room.
HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be a way to get my old life back.
ROXY
I told you, superstar. Only one wish per customer. No refunds or exchanges.
Jesse McCartney enters, carrying with him a basket.
JESSE
Hey, babe. (pecks Hannah's cheek) You ready for our picnic on Papui?
HANNAH
What in the world is Papui?
JESSE
The island I bought you.
HANNAH
(excited squeal) Oh my gosh! Jesse McCartney bought me an island! (calms) I'm sorry Jesse, I can't.
JESSE
Why not?
HANNAH
I'm...sort of, dealing with something right now, so...
JESSE
You're so cute when you're dealing with something right now.
HANNAH
That's sweet, Jesse, but I think I need to be alone. (now starting to usher Jesse towards the front door)
JESSE
You're so cute when you need to be alone.
HANNAH
Jesse!
JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Jessie"!
HANNAH
(pushes Jesse out front door) Get out!
JESSE
You're so cute when you're kicking me out.
HANNAH
I'm serious! (shuts door in his face)
JESSE
Ow...still so cute!
Hannah turns away, back to Roxy, as Jesse walks off.
HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be some kind of loophole.
ROXY
Well, you could...no. Well, how about if you...argh argh. Oh, how about...Girl I got nothing.
HANNAH
(now demanding) Angel, I want my family back, I want my friends back, and Miley Stewart does not take no for an answer.
ROXY
That's because Miley Stewart doesn't exist.
HANNAH
Not yet, but you'd be surprised what this girl can do with a wig.
Hannah runs upstairs.
***
Outside Rico's Shack – Oliver and Rico are beating.
RICO
Get your genuine Hannah Montana trash...we stole it ourselves and we'll sell it for cash.
OLIVER
I got toenail clippings and that's no hype, clone your own Hannah while the DNA is ripe.
OLIVER / RICO
I said, what, I said what, I said what, I said what, I said...fiki, fiki, fiki...word! Respect!
Oliver and Rico turn away to the counter, as Lily, Amber and Ashley are sitting at a table.
AMBER
I mean, where'd she find that outfit? Like, Ugly-R-Us?
LILY
More like, Ugly-R-Her. (laughter)
ASHLEY
We are so funny.
AMBER
(flicks hair back) And pretty.
LILY
I love us! (her watch beeps)
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Time to hydrate. Ooo, tss.
Lily makes her way over to the counter, where Miley is sitting on a seat.
MILEY
Hi.
LILY
Yeah, whatever. (to person behind counter) Three bottled waters with lime, pronto!
MILEY
Anyway, I'm Miley, and I'm new here, and I was just wondering...do you want to be friends?
LILY
OK, first, "Miley" – stupid name. B, I've already got friends, and cuatro, why don't you go back to the trailer park, unhitch and drive away?
MILEY
No, no, no. I can't drive, but I do skateboard. Do you skateboard?
LILY
(laughs) As if! It's stupid, it's sweaty, and hello, who wants helmet hair?
MILEY
You do! You used to love helmet hair and scabby knees and elbow pad rash. Doesn't that sound like fun?
LILY
I took a pretty girls Karate Class! Whoa! (as Lily turns away, Miley jumps in front of her)
MILEY
What happened to you? You're not like this. How can you be friends with Amber and Ashley? Come on, Lily. You're better than that.
LILY
OK, how do you know my name? Oh wait, everybody knows my name because I'm popular.
MILEY
Well. Does everybody know that you have a birthmark shaped like a poodle on your butt?
LILY
(gasps) How do you know that!
MILEY
Because I'm your best friend. And I know somewhere, deep down inside of you, our friendship is still there. Come on, look at me. Really, really look at me. Come on Lily, don't you know me?
LILY
Oh, my gosh.
MILEY
Yes! I knew you'd be able to see the real me.
LILY
Of course I can! The blonde hair's coming out of the wig. You're Hannah Montana!
Lily pulls off the brown wig on Hannah's head to reveal Hannah Montana.
LILY
(shouts) Look, everybody! Hannah Montana's back and she knows what's on my butt! I can't believe I just said that out loud.
Oliver is over opposite her, with a camera.
OLIVER
Over here, Hannah! Smile. Come on baby, give me a little summthin' summthin'.
As crowds of fans surround her, Hannah runs away screaming.
***
Hannah's house – she enters through the back deck, where she overhears Candice sitting on the couch on the phone.
CANDICE
(on phone) You won't believe what he bought me. Marrying that dumb hillbilly was the smartest thing I ever did.
Hannah's jaw drops open in sadness and shock as to what she is hearing – as she turns away upstairs.
***
Hannah is hidden under her bedclothes – as Robby knocks on the door and enters with two mugs of his "Crazy Loco Hot Cocoa".
ROBBY
Hey darling. You OK? You've been up here for hours.
HANNAH
(uncovers herself) No! (covers herself up again)
ROBBY
Oh, boy. Back ways round. This may be more than my loco hot cocoa can cure.
As Robby approaches her bed with the mug, Hannah sits up.
HANNAH
You still make crazy loco hot cocoa?!
ROBBY
(sits on bed) Of course I do, why would you even ask a silly question like that? (hands Hannah mug)
HANNAH
Because, everything's wrong! Lily and Oliver aren't my friends anymore.
ROBBY
Who?
HANNAH
See! And...Jackson moved out.
ROBBY
No, no, no. That was his choice.
HANNAH
Yeah, but it wouldn't have been his choice if I wouldn't have made that stupid wish and changed everything.
ROBBY
What wish? Bud, you're starting to sound more loco than the cocoa.
HANNAH
(rises) Don't you 'bud' me. You're the one that married a blood-sucking leech that doesn't even love you. (she paces over to her desk)
ROBBY
Aha! So that's what this is all about. You know your stepmama warned me you might end up resenting her a little bit. She is so smart about teenage girls!
HANNAH
That's 'cause last year she was one.
ROBBY
Now, you hold on there young lady. I understand you being upset, but one thing that will never change is...(reaches for his mug) you, me and our loco hot cocoa.
As they knock their mugs against each other, Candice enters.
CANDICE
Oh, there you are! Hey, I was wondering...Oh, snap. Is that hot chocolate? Ewgh! Get it out, get it out, I'm horribly allergic, I get massive, massive headaches. (tempered) And you know what I am like when I get my headaches!
ROBBY
Totally. Adios, loco cocoa.
Robby takes Hannah's drink and exits.
HANNAH
Daddy, what about our special drink?
CANDICE
Just drink some tea. What's the big diff, whiny little baby? (calling after Robby) Robby! Candy needs a shopping spree to make her head feel better! (she runs out, closing the door after her)
Angry, Hannah storms over to her bed and throws a cushion over at a music box. A Hannah Montana dolls pops out singing, "The Best of One World".
HANNAH
Oh, shut it! (she exits through her door onto the balcony outside and sits) Miley, why did you ever make that stupid wish! I hate my life.
Jackson, still disguised as a hermit, is sitting up on the roof watching television.
JACKSON
I ain't so crazy about it, either.
HANNAH
(approaching him) Jackson, you came back!
JACKSON
Well, you're darn tooting.
Jackson jumps off the roof and joins Hannah.
JACKSON [CONT'D]
I may be a grumpy hermit, but I still need my reality TV. Now quiet! Chauntel's about ready to eat a bug. (turns away, Hannah stops him)
HANNAH
Jackson, Jackson. It's just us, you don't have to do the voice.
JACKSON
What voice? (resumes normal voice) Oh, right. Sometimes I forget.
HANNAH
Jackson, you know what. I don't even care about the voice, I'm just so happy you came back.
Hannah embraces him, he pushes her away.
HANNAH
Welcome home!
JACKSON
Didn't you hear me? I'm not staying!
HANNAH
But Jackson, you have to! I want at least some of my old life back. I mean, you and I weren't perfect. We fought, but we loved each other, and Dad loved us and there was no evil stepmom, and I had great friends. And it was all because the world didn't know I was Hannah Montana.
JACKSON
A world that didn't know you were Hannah Montana? Boy, I'd wish for that any day.
Hannah points out a shooting star overhead.
HANNAH
Oh, Angel! Angel! A shooting star, right when he wished! Come on, that's gotta' count for something! (pause) Please? Oh man, I'm stuck like this forever.
As Hannah reaches up for her hair, the blonde wig pulls off! She strokes her brown hair. Roxy, as the Angel appears behind her.
ROXY
Congratulations. (thunder crashes) What! She found a loophole! You have yourself a wonderful life, Miley.
Roxy clicks, and she and MILEY disappear. Miley reappears beside Lily, on her front porch, at the moment when they first saw the shooting star.
LILY
Look, a shooting star. I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?
MILEY
I don't wish for anything. I love my life exactly the way it is.
Miley hugs Lily – and Lily shrugs, before hugging her back.
***
Outside Rico's Shack – Rico is boxed into an open cardboard box. Jesse McCartney and Oliver un-box him, they are all beating and dressed in "bling-bling".
OLIVER / JESSE
Fiki, fiki, fresh!
OLIVER
Yeah, we're walking down the beach, 'cause we're mega, mega stars. We got girlies to spare, we got tricked out cars. We're the Malibu Crew and we got each other's back. I'm Ollie, that's Rico, now take it J-Mac!
JESSE
We got serious bling-bling, and baggy-waggy pants. So listen to us sing and watch the little guy dance!
Rico dances on the flat box.
JESSE / OLIVER
Go Rico, go Rico, go Rico!
Roxy, dressed as the Angel, appears.
ROXY
Peace out!
She clicks, and disappears again.
LOLA
Hannah, you rock! I can't believe you did three encores! (shuts door, now angry) I can't believe you did three encores. You know we have a Science project due Monday, what is wrong with you?
HANNAH
Oh, oh, OK. Let's leave this boring, rock-star life behind and get back to the glamorous world of earthworm larvae!
There is a knock at the door, and Roxy, Hannah's bodyguard, steps in.
ROXY
You decent, girl? I got your squeaky little friend out here.
Traci Van Horn enters behind Roxy.
TRACI
I told you, it's a nasal condition. And Hannah, I brought someone who wants to meet you! (exit)
LOLA
No way. We're already late and I promised our larvae we'd by home by ten.
HANNAH
(sighs) OK, fine, I'll get rid of whoever it is …
Jesse McCartney enters before Traci.
JESSE
Hey, I'm Jesse.
Excited facial expressions, especially on Lola, show.
HANNAH
(excited) Oh my gosh, it's Jesse McCartney, I love you! (pause) I mean, big fan, big fan.
JESSE
Listen, tonight I am the fan. You did a great job. (to Lola, putting out his hand to shake) And you are?
LOLA
(as she shakes his hand) Eeeep!
JESSE
Nice to meet you…"Eep". Listen, Hannah, a bunch of my friends and I, we're going to the Dragon Room. Wanna come?
HANNAH
Yes.
LOLA
No!
HANNAH
No?
LOLA
Yes!
HANNAH
(turning to Jesse) Excuse us. (Hannah ushers Lola into the corner) What are you doing?
LOLA
Our Science project.
HANNAH
Oh, right. OK, I've got the fix. You do all the work, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!
LOLA
I got a better idea. You give me the Hannah wig, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!
HANNAH
I don't think he speaks "eep"!
JESSE
Listen, ladies, if now's not a good night, why don't we, why don't we do it tomorrow?
HANNAH
That would be absolutely …
LOLA
Math test!
HANNAH
Impossible. How about Tuesday?
LOLA
Yearbook committee!
HANNAH
…Of next week?
LOLA
Homecoming float.
HANNAH
Which I just realized, is no good either. Busy, busy, bee. Yep, that's me! Why don't I just text you?
JESSE
Getting rejected in person is enough. I don't need in writing. Thanks. (he exits)
***
Miley and Lily are sitting on Miley's front porch doing their Science project. Miley is examining a worm.
MILEY
This stinks.
LILY
Of course they stink. They live in their own poop.
MILEY
Not the worms, my life. I cannot believe I gave up Jesse McCartney for a slimy piece of fish bait.
LILY
(taking worm) She didn't mean that, Ernie. She loves you.
She and Miley make their way over to the ledge.
MILEY
If only I could've told Jessie the truth. He would've understood about school stuff…but then I'd blow the secret. This double life is so hard.
Lily points to a shooting star flying across the sky.
LILY
Oh, look! A shooting star! I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?
MILEY
Oh, man…I wish…I wish there was no secret. I was just Hannah Montana all the time. Sure would make life a whole lot easier.
***
The following morning, Hannah Montana is asleep in Miley's bed, in Miley's room. She yawns, as she sits up and strokes her hair. But then she notices she has blonde hair…she tries twisting it, and pulling it off. But it won't budge! She looks around, before going to get a mirror, and looking in horror at her reflection.
HANNAH
What is going on?
Roxy, dressed as an angel, mystically appears at the door.
ROXY
Your wish came true, girl.
HANNAH
Whoa.
ROXY
You didn't want to be Miley. Well now you're all Hannah, all the time.
As Roxy says this, Hannah looks at her reflection in the mirror again.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Hannah is still in Miley's room, Roxy (dressed as an angel) at the door.
HANNAH
What are you talking about?
ROXY
(approaching Hannah) You wished for one life, and you got it. In this world, Miley Stewart never existed.
HANNAH
Haha, very funny, Roxy.
ROXY
Oh, I'm not Roxy. I'm an angel! I'm only taking the shape of Roxy to make you feel more comfortable, and I am loving it!
HANNAH
OK…How about you just wait here while I go get some very nice men with a very big net?
ROXY
Oh, oh you don't believe me. Well, if I wasn't an angel, could I do this?
As angelic chimes sound in the background, Roxy's shoes grow small wings off the side and she floats into the air.
ROXY [CONT'D]
Check out my fly kicks, and I do mean, fly kicks. (lowers herself onto the ground)
HANNAH
No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.
ROXY
Oh, it's already happened. You wished upon a star, and now Hannah Montana is who you are.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Hannah magically disappear into thin air. They reappear downstairs, in the living room, which is "rock-star"-afied.
HANNAH
Wow.
ROXY
Nice crib, huh?
HANNAH
Look at this place! It is so rock-star. (walking through room) I mean, the twinkly lights, the leather couches…and, look at that awesome chandelier! Madonna has one just like it.
ROXY
(guiltily) Not anymore.
HANNAH
I love this!
ROXY
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Hannah's private chef, Pierre, comes over carrying with him a fudge cake with the letters "HM".
PIERRE
Your favourite cake, mademoiselle Montana.
HANNAH
Triple Dutch Chocolate?
PIERRE
With a fudge ripple middle!
HANNAH
I really love this.
PIERRE
I'll put it next to the hot tub, so that you can chill out while you pig out.
Hannah speaks something in French…
HANNAH
I speak French!
ROXY
You have a whole different life. You lived in France, you own polo ponies, and you have a black belt in jujitsu, which came in handy when you fought that tiger on Circus with the Stars. Ha!
HANNAH
I fought a tiger? I am so cool!
As Hannah takes a seat on the lounge, Mr. Corelli enters through the front door.
MR CORELLI
Morning, Hannah.
HANNAH
Mr. Corelli. What are you doing here?
ROXY
Home school teacher. Hannah can't go to public school!
MR CORELLI
Yeah, I dropped by early to grab a little (hits stomach) chow! You know how much I love Pierre's omelette du fromage. By the way, that's French for "Cheese Omelette".
HANNAH
I know!
MR CORELLI
(as they go into the kitchen) Oh, hey, Hannah, do you have that history report for me?
HANNAH
History report…right, well um …
MR CORELLI
(firm) Hey, no excuses young lady, if you do not have that report…(Hannah looks worried, as Mr. Corelli resumes calm voice) Oh who cares! It's home schooling, a la Corelli. By the way, loving the Team Montana jacket! (spins) Bling, bling, bling! Wore it to the salon yesterday, got a free back wax.
HANNAH
So, argh…I don't have to worry about my assignments?
MR CORELLI
You don't have to worry about anything. You…(points at a portrait of Hannah hanging on the wall) are Hannah Montana! Argh!
Hannah smiles as she goes over and lies on the couch, beside Roxy.
HANNAH
And I am loving it.
ROXY
Yeah, life is pretty sweet when you don't have to deal with all that "Miley stuff".
HANNAH
You got that right. No math test, no stinky earthworms and…
ROXY
And more time to spend with your man!
HANNAH
(sits up) I got a man?
ROXY
(as she and Hannah stand) Oh, not just a man…but the man.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and within an instant she and Hannah are teleported away into thin air again…Hannah reappears in a canoe, sitting beside Jesse McCartney, with a French singer rowing the boat and singing.
GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia…
HANNAH
(rests her head on Jesse's shoulder) Oh, mamma mia…
JESSE
The perfect night with the perfect girl.
GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia …
JESSE
I'd sing to you myself…but I need these lips for something else.
HANNAH
Eeep!
JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Eep".
As they are about to lean in and kiss each-other, Roxy comes up out of the water and leans on the side. She is wearing snorkels and a wetsuit.
ROXY
Sorry, sugar lips, but my wings are getting all soggy.
She clicks her fingers, and she Hannah are teleported away again…back at Hannah's house – Roxy is sat on the piano, back in her angel costume, holding a snorkel. Hannah is on the couch, leaning in as though Jessie is still beside her. She falls down onto the pillow.
HANNAH
You couldn't have given me one more minute?
ROXY
Sorry, but the top of the gondola? Romantic. Bottom? Nasty!
HANNAH
I can't believe it. All these years, I was so paranoid about my secret getting out, but, boy was I wrong! This life is perfect.
Candice, Robby's new wife, enters through the front door.
CANDICE
Hannah-kins! How's my favourite little rock-star? (embraces Hannah)
HANNAH
Great. How's my favourite little…
ROXY
(as Candice moves into the kitchen) Stepmom.
HANNAH
Step-what?
ROXY
Candice was your first home school teacher.
HANNAH
And now she's my mom? That must have been some parent teacher conference.
ROXY
Mmm-hmm?
Robby, Hannah's father, enters with a snowboard, and Candice runs to his side.
ROBBY
Hey, hey, hey darling! You missed some gnarly boarding.
HANNAH
Gnarly boarding?
ROBBY
Totally. Next time we go to Switzerland, you so gotta come with us. It was off the hook.
CANDICE
Radical!
ROBBY
But I'm back now baby, give me a big hug.
Hannah and Robby hug.
HANNAH
(feels his arms) Have you been working out?
ROBBY
(referring Candice) I so gotta stay in shape to keep up with this little kitten.
The two make kitty noises at each-other as Robby chases Candice upstairs.
CANDICE
Stop it!
ROXY
I got some yackety-yak coming back. How about you?
HANNAH
Little bit. But you know what? My Dad's happy…and, that's all that matters, right?
ROXY
That's the spirit. Don't let a little bump in the road get you down.
HANNAH
Speaking of little bumps, where's Jackson?
ROXY
Oh, he doesn't live here anymore.
Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Roxy are teleported away. Hannah, now wearing different clothes and sunglasses, appears at the beach outside Rico's Shack. Roxy comes flying down the sky and lands abruptly on the beach.
ROXY
Argh! (making her way to Hannah) Sometimes this teleporting stuff ain't easy. Oh no, I dinged a wing!
Jackson is disguised as a hermit, scanning the beach for treasure using a metal detector.
JACKSON
Oh, I got you!
HANNAH
Jackson?
JACKSON
Yee, doggies, a quarter! I'm eating good tonight.
HANNAH
(to Roxie) What happened to him?
ROXY
Hannah Montana. He got tired of people pretending to be his friends just to get to you, so he dropped out and became a hermit. (as Jackson passes) A stinky hermit.
JACKSON
(a beach-goer stares at him) Hey, what are you looking at? Get! Get!
HANNAH
What happened to his voice?
ROXY
Nothing, he just does that to scare people away.
HANNAH
Jackson?
Jackson's metal detector crackles at Hannah.
JACKSON
Sweet nuggets! I hit the mother lode. (does a dance, notices that it is Hannah) Oh, it is just the lode.
HANNAH
Jackson, was being my brother really that bad?
JACKSON
Yep. Now get! I got my own life now. And me and my dolphin brothers and sisters don't care about no Hanny Montanny. (a dolphin squeak is heard in the background) Except for Dave. He loves you. Forget it Dave! You want an autograph, you come up here and you ask her yourself.
HANNAH
Wow. When he dropped out he must've landed on his head.
Oliver, dressed in "bling-bling" clothes, is over near Rico's Shack at a telescope pointed at Hannah's house.
OLIVER
Yo, yo, yo, if you want to be a-viewing, on what a pop-stars doing, just slide me a five and watch the Hannah house live.
HANNAH
I cannot believe Oliver's selling peeks into my house. It's like he's turned into a…
ROXY
A stretched out version of that?
Roxy is pointing over at Rico, who is beside Oliver dressed in the exact same clothes. Oliver is counting money.
RICO
How we doing today, Twice My Size?
OLIVER
Making bacon Mini-Me.
RICO
And we ain't faking. Time to do…
RICO / OLIVER
…a little shaking!
They beat and shake around.
ROXY
All this happened because…
HANNAH
Because I was never Miley, I never went to regular school, and so I never met Oliver. I got it. (pause) Oh no. Angel, what happened to Lily?
Amber, Ashley and Lily step out onto the beach.
AMBER
OK, everyone. Prepare to be jealous.
ASHLEY
Because we look…
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Fabulous!
The three of them share a three-way "Ooo-tsss" handshake.
HANNAH
(yells) Noooo! (attracts attention of everyone at beach)
ROXY
You've done it now.
LILY
It's Hannah Montana!
HANNAH
Angel, help!
ROXY
Freeze!
Everyone rushing at Hannah and Roxy freeze in their footsteps.
HANNAH
(takes off sunglasses) OK, you know what? I don't want this life back anymore. I want to be Miley again. I want my friends back.
ROXY
Too late for that. Nobody ever gets a second wish.
HANNAH
Angel say what?
ROXY
This is your life, Hannah.
Roxy gestures with her hands, and motion comes back to life at the running fans. But as they reach Hannah, she and Roxy are teleported away again. Amber, Ashley and Lily fall onto the beach behind.
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY (V/O)
Owgh!
***
Hannah and Roxy appear in Hannah's living room.
HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be a way to get my old life back.
ROXY
I told you, superstar. Only one wish per customer. No refunds or exchanges.
Jesse McCartney enters, carrying with him a basket.
JESSE
Hey, babe. (pecks Hannah's cheek) You ready for our picnic on Papui?
HANNAH
What in the world is Papui?
JESSE
The island I bought you.
HANNAH
(excited squeal) Oh my gosh! Jesse McCartney bought me an island! (calms) I'm sorry Jesse, I can't.
JESSE
Why not?
HANNAH
I'm...sort of, dealing with something right now, so...
JESSE
You're so cute when you're dealing with something right now.
HANNAH
That's sweet, Jesse, but I think I need to be alone. (now starting to usher Jesse towards the front door)
JESSE
You're so cute when you need to be alone.
HANNAH
Jesse!
JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Jessie"!
HANNAH
(pushes Jesse out front door) Get out!
JESSE
You're so cute when you're kicking me out.
HANNAH
I'm serious! (shuts door in his face)
JESSE
Ow...still so cute!
Hannah turns away, back to Roxy, as Jesse walks off.
HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be some kind of loophole.
ROXY
Well, you could...no. Well, how about if you...argh argh. Oh, how about...Girl I got nothing.
HANNAH
(now demanding) Angel, I want my family back, I want my friends back, and Miley Stewart does not take no for an answer.
ROXY
That's because Miley Stewart doesn't exist.
HANNAH
Not yet, but you'd be surprised what this girl can do with a wig.
Hannah runs upstairs.
***
Outside Rico's Shack – Oliver and Rico are beating.
RICO
Get your genuine Hannah Montana trash...we stole it ourselves and we'll sell it for cash.
OLIVER
I got toenail clippings and that's no hype, clone your own Hannah while the DNA is ripe.
OLIVER / RICO
I said, what, I said what, I said what, I said what, I said...fiki, fiki, fiki...word! Respect!
Oliver and Rico turn away to the counter, as Lily, Amber and Ashley are sitting at a table.
AMBER
I mean, where'd she find that outfit? Like, Ugly-R-Us?
LILY
More like, Ugly-R-Her. (laughter)
ASHLEY
We are so funny.
AMBER
(flicks hair back) And pretty.
LILY
I love us! (her watch beeps)
LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Time to hydrate. Ooo, tss.
Lily makes her way over to the counter, where Miley is sitting on a seat.
MILEY
Hi.
LILY
Yeah, whatever. (to person behind counter) Three bottled waters with lime, pronto!
MILEY
Anyway, I'm Miley, and I'm new here, and I was just wondering...do you want to be friends?
LILY
OK, first, "Miley" – stupid name. B, I've already got friends, and cuatro, why don't you go back to the trailer park, unhitch and drive away?
MILEY
No, no, no. I can't drive, but I do skateboard. Do you skateboard?
LILY
(laughs) As if! It's stupid, it's sweaty, and hello, who wants helmet hair?
MILEY
You do! You used to love helmet hair and scabby knees and elbow pad rash. Doesn't that sound like fun?
LILY
I took a pretty girls Karate Class! Whoa! (as Lily turns away, Miley jumps in front of her)
MILEY
What happened to you? You're not like this. How can you be friends with Amber and Ashley? Come on, Lily. You're better than that.
LILY
OK, how do you know my name? Oh wait, everybody knows my name because I'm popular.
MILEY
Well. Does everybody know that you have a birthmark shaped like a poodle on your butt?
LILY
(gasps) How do you know that!
MILEY
Because I'm your best friend. And I know somewhere, deep down inside of you, our friendship is still there. Come on, look at me. Really, really look at me. Come on Lily, don't you know me?
LILY
Oh, my gosh.
MILEY
Yes! I knew you'd be able to see the real me.
LILY
Of course I can! The blonde hair's coming out of the wig. You're Hannah Montana!
Lily pulls off the brown wig on Hannah's head to reveal Hannah Montana.
LILY
(shouts) Look, everybody! Hannah Montana's back and she knows what's on my butt! I can't believe I just said that out loud.
Oliver is over opposite her, with a camera.
OLIVER
Over here, Hannah! Smile. Come on baby, give me a little summthin' summthin'.
As crowds of fans surround her, Hannah runs away screaming.
***
Hannah's house – she enters through the back deck, where she overhears Candice sitting on the couch on the phone.
CANDICE
(on phone) You won't believe what he bought me. Marrying that dumb hillbilly was the smartest thing I ever did.
Hannah's jaw drops open in sadness and shock as to what she is hearing – as she turns away upstairs.
***
Hannah is hidden under her bedclothes – as Robby knocks on the door and enters with two mugs of his "Crazy Loco Hot Cocoa".
ROBBY
Hey darling. You OK? You've been up here for hours.
HANNAH
(uncovers herself) No! (covers herself up again)
ROBBY
Oh, boy. Back ways round. This may be more than my loco hot cocoa can cure.
As Robby approaches her bed with the mug, Hannah sits up.
HANNAH
You still make crazy loco hot cocoa?!
ROBBY
(sits on bed) Of course I do, why would you even ask a silly question like that? (hands Hannah mug)
HANNAH
Because, everything's wrong! Lily and Oliver aren't my friends anymore.
ROBBY
Who?
HANNAH
See! And...Jackson moved out.
ROBBY
No, no, no. That was his choice.
HANNAH
Yeah, but it wouldn't have been his choice if I wouldn't have made that stupid wish and changed everything.
ROBBY
What wish? Bud, you're starting to sound more loco than the cocoa.
HANNAH
(rises) Don't you 'bud' me. You're the one that married a blood-sucking leech that doesn't even love you. (she paces over to her desk)
ROBBY
Aha! So that's what this is all about. You know your stepmama warned me you might end up resenting her a little bit. She is so smart about teenage girls!
HANNAH
That's 'cause last year she was one.
ROBBY
Now, you hold on there young lady. I understand you being upset, but one thing that will never change is...(reaches for his mug) you, me and our loco hot cocoa.
As they knock their mugs against each other, Candice enters.
CANDICE
Oh, there you are! Hey, I was wondering...Oh, snap. Is that hot chocolate? Ewgh! Get it out, get it out, I'm horribly allergic, I get massive, massive headaches. (tempered) And you know what I am like when I get my headaches!
ROBBY
Totally. Adios, loco cocoa.
Robby takes Hannah's drink and exits.
HANNAH
Daddy, what about our special drink?
CANDICE
Just drink some tea. What's the big diff, whiny little baby? (calling after Robby) Robby! Candy needs a shopping spree to make her head feel better! (she runs out, closing the door after her)
Angry, Hannah storms over to her bed and throws a cushion over at a music box. A Hannah Montana dolls pops out singing, "The Best of One World".
HANNAH
Oh, shut it! (she exits through her door onto the balcony outside and sits) Miley, why did you ever make that stupid wish! I hate my life.
Jackson, still disguised as a hermit, is sitting up on the roof watching television.
JACKSON
I ain't so crazy about it, either.
HANNAH
(approaching him) Jackson, you came back!
JACKSON
Well, you're darn tooting.
Jackson jumps off the roof and joins Hannah.
JACKSON [CONT'D]
I may be a grumpy hermit, but I still need my reality TV. Now quiet! Chauntel's about ready to eat a bug. (turns away, Hannah stops him)
HANNAH
Jackson, Jackson. It's just us, you don't have to do the voice.
JACKSON
What voice? (resumes normal voice) Oh, right. Sometimes I forget.
HANNAH
Jackson, you know what. I don't even care about the voice, I'm just so happy you came back.
Hannah embraces him, he pushes her away.
HANNAH
Welcome home!
JACKSON
Didn't you hear me? I'm not staying!
HANNAH
But Jackson, you have to! I want at least some of my old life back. I mean, you and I weren't perfect. We fought, but we loved each other, and Dad loved us and there was no evil stepmom, and I had great friends. And it was all because the world didn't know I was Hannah Montana.
JACKSON
A world that didn't know you were Hannah Montana? Boy, I'd wish for that any day.
Hannah points out a shooting star overhead.
HANNAH
Oh, Angel! Angel! A shooting star, right when he wished! Come on, that's gotta' count for something! (pause) Please? Oh man, I'm stuck like this forever.
As Hannah reaches up for her hair, the blonde wig pulls off! She strokes her brown hair. Roxy, as the Angel appears behind her.
ROXY
Congratulations. (thunder crashes) What! She found a loophole! You have yourself a wonderful life, Miley.
Roxy clicks, and she and MILEY disappear. Miley reappears beside Lily, on her front porch, at the moment when they first saw the shooting star.
LILY
Look, a shooting star. I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?
MILEY
I don't wish for anything. I love my life exactly the way it is.
Miley hugs Lily – and Lily shrugs, before hugging her back.
***
Outside Rico's Shack – Rico is boxed into an open cardboard box. Jesse McCartney and Oliver un-box him, they are all beating and dressed in "bling-bling".
OLIVER / JESSE
Fiki, fiki, fresh!
OLIVER
Yeah, we're walking down the beach, 'cause we're mega, mega stars. We got girlies to spare, we got tricked out cars. We're the Malibu Crew and we got each other's back. I'm Ollie, that's Rico, now take it J-Mac!
JESSE
We got serious bling-bling, and baggy-waggy pants. So listen to us sing and watch the little guy dance!
Rico dances on the flat box.
JESSE / OLIVER
Go Rico, go Rico, go Rico!
Roxy, dressed as the Angel, appears.
ROXY
Peace out!
She clicks, and disappears again.
Hannah Montana, and all related entities © Walt Disney – no infringement intended.
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