MILEY
Loser!
JACKSON
How do you do that?
MILEY
Lungs of a singer, baby. Which means Mamaw sleeps in...(sing-song voice)...your room!
They start to walk over to the couch.
JACKSON
But this isn't fair! Why should I have to give up my room?
MILEY
Because, you've got the lungs of a "loser"!
JACKSON
(now seated) But she wouldn't even be coming here if it wasn't for your stupid award.
MILEY
An International Music Award is like winning an Oscar. If it was a stupid award, you'd win brains down. (sits down and slaps on the couch) Oh man, this is really gonna' mess up your back. Ha, ha!
Outside on the porch, Robby is walking up towards the front door carrying Mamaw Ruthie's bags, who follows closely behind.
MAMAW
Well, careful with that box, Robby Ray! (pause) That's got my fancy wig, I only air it out for parties and funerals.
ROBBY
Sorry, mom.
MAMAW
And I can't believe you had the music on so loud in the car. You didn't hear a word that I was saying.
ROBBY
(sarcastic) Really? What in the world was I thinking?
MAMAW
Well, you missed my whole story about that big old hairy mole that I had found on my...
Robby quickly turns for the door, cutting Mamaw off before she can finish.
ROBBY
Kids! (as they walk in) Say hello to your grandma, quick!
Jackson and Miley get up from their seats on the couch and go to hug Mamaw.
JACKSON / MILEY
Mamaw!
MAMAW
There they are. My handsome grandson and my beautiful granddaughter...the youngest person ever to win the International Music Awards Female Artist of the Year...(takes a deep breath)...by word, that is a mouthful! No wonder those award shows are always so long.
JACKSON
Hey, hey, you know what else is long? (starts walking towards the kitchen) The walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. Miley's is right next door...and, it has a view of the ocean. You see dolphins in the morning! (does a lame impression of a dolphin)
MILEY
Would you give it a rest? She's in your room.
Mamaw goes over to the kitchen table, and Miley follows her.
MILEY
Mamaw, Sunday is gonna' be perfect. I am getting an award I've always dreamed of, daddy's presenting it to me, and now everyone I love is here. You (under her breath), Aunt Dolly...
MAMAW
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Back this tractor-trailer up. You mean to tell me that bottle-blonde, shrink-wrapped, five pounds of baloney in a three-pound bag...
ROBBY
Now, momma, I know you don't like her, but...
MAMAW
Son, it is not just her butt I don't like. It's her head, her toes, and everything in between.
MILEY
Mamaw, this is the biggest award of my life. Can't you guys just get along for one weekend, please, Mamaw?
MAMAW
Oh, sweetie, I guess for your sake I can look the other way, and I do mean the other way, I don't even want to see that woman.
JACKSON
That might be kind of hard.
MAMAW
Why, we don't have to pick her up at her hotel, do we? Can't she just hitch a ride on one of her flying monkeys?
MILEY
We don't have to pick her up, Mamaw...(under her breath)...'cause she's staying here.
MAMAW
Award-winning granddaughter say what?
Aunt Dolly comes into the kitchen from upstairs.
AUNT DOLLY
Hey! (pause) I can see dolphins from my guest room!
MAMAW
Well, shoot, that's nothing, there's a snot-green blowfish right here in the living room.
AUNT DOLLY
Now, Ruthie, if you're gonna' be mean, (taps her behind), talk to the booty, 'cause the hands off duty.
MAMAW
Well, I would love to, but that booty has been nipped and tucked so many times I just can't hardly find it.
AUNT DOLLY
Well, I ain't having no problem finding yours.
Miley steps in between them and puts her hand around both of their shoulders.
MILEY
Family! So glad to have you here.
Robby walks over and puts his hands around them as well.
ROBBY
Good times, good times...yeah...
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Miley and Lilly are sitting at the Stewarts' kitchen table, doing their nails.
LILLY
So this whole feud started over a boy?
MILEY
Yep. It was high school. Mamaw was having a summer romance, and then Aunt Dolly bounced in and...well, that was pretty much all she had to do. Mamaw never forgave Dolly for stealing the love of her life, Mr Elvis Presley.
LILLY
No!
MILEY
Yes!
LILLY
No!
MILEY
Yes!
LILLY
No!
Jackson is slumped over on the couch, with a blanket thrown over him.
JACKSON
Yes!! Yes! Yes! Elvis, Elvis with the pelvis and the hair, and the "hunk, a hunk of burning love". Guys, I haven't slept all night, and my back is killing me, so, please, for the love of all that is pure and good in this forsaken universe, zip it!
Mamaw comes from upstairs.
MAMAW
Good morning, everybody! (walking over to the couch) Well, Jackson, you lazy bones, get your rump out of bed!
She pulls the blanket off and he rolls onto the floor.
JACKSON
Well, what do you know? Floor's more comfortable than the couch.
He gets in a comfortable position as Mamaw walks on to the kitchen.
LILLY
Morning, Mamaw Stewart.
MAMAW
Hey, Lilly, you cutie-poototie. It's too bad Dolly isn't here to see what a real blonde looks like.
MILEY
Mamaw...
MAMAW
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll chillax...(on Miley and Lilly's look) What, I'm Hannah Montana's grandma, I gotta' keep up on the teen scene so I can be fricky-ficky fresh.
MILEY
(as Mamaw walks away) OK, now that it is just wicky-wicky weird. Hey Mamaw, will you come here, look at my nails. What should I do for the awards show? Aargh, sparky...or non-sparkly...?
MAMAW
I think non-sparkly, sparkly just...kind of feels trampy.
Aunt Dolly comes walking in through the front door, holding up her hands.
AUNT DOLLY
Hey, look at my sparkly nails! Just had them done for the awards show.
MAMAW
Exhibit A.
MILEY
Come on, Mamaw. (walks over to Mamaw) Now, you promised you'd be nice. Aunt Dolly's being nice.
AUNT DOLLY
Well, of course, I'm always nice. At least that's what the KING used to tell me.
Mamaw and Miley walk back over to the kitchen table with Aunt Dolly and Lilly.
MAMAW
You know, I gave Elvis that nickname. We always used to play checkers, and he would be like, "King me, baby, argh-huh", so I started calling him the King. True story.
AUNT DOLLY
Now, Ruthie, there's no need to get your granny-panties in a twist.
MAMAW
Why don't you come on over here, I'll give yours a twist!
LILLY
(to Miley) Your family's better than cable.
AUNT DOLLY
Pull your claws in, Miss Kitty, I'm just here to celebrate my goddaughter's big night.
MAMAW
(walking to Miley's side) And I am just here to celebrate my granddaughter's big night. That is my granddaughter, my kinfolk, a blood relation. Now, I'm just gonna' run and get my purse, then I'm gonna' take you to find something beautiful to wear for your awards show. (runs upstairs)
AUNT DOLLY
Oh, how sweet...(to Miley, as Mamaw has gone) Don't worry, darlin', I'll take you shopping later and I'll buy you something you'll actually want to be seen in.
***
Oliver is filming Rico's public access commercial. Rico is standing behind the counter with a huge grin printed on his face.
OLIVER (V/O from behind camera)
Rico's public access commercial, take one. And, action.
Suddenly, Rico's enthusiastic smile turns to a nervous, worried frown.
RICO
(nervously) Hey-o...my name is Rico...and this is Rico's. Do you like hot dogs? We've got hot dogs. Do you like...
OLIVER
Cut! Cut!
RICO
OK, maybe I was a little nervous. It was my first take. I'll loosen up. Just give me a minute. (turning away) Hey-o, I'm Rico! Hey-o, I'm Rico! (Oliver looks around; as he turns back to the camera) OK, I'm good.
OLIVER
Rico's public access commercial, take two. And, action...
Again, Rico's face turns from a smile to a nervous frown. He speaks with the same fret in his tone.
RICO
(nervously) Hey-o, my name is Rico, and we...
OLIVER
Cut! Cut!
RICO
(covers his face and punches the counter) Stupid, stupid!
OLIVER
No, you're not stupid. (pause) You just can't act.
***
Oliver and Rico are sitting at a table on the beach.
OLIVER
Face it, Rico. We need a better Rico.
RICO
(after a pause) Fine...who's first?
A line of young boys similar in looks to Rico, start swinging their arms.
ACTOR RICO'S
Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o!
***
Lilly and Miley are in Hannah Montana's wardrobe. Miley is wearing a green, sparkly dress. Lilly has her eyes closed.
MILEY
OK, open your eyes.
LILLY
(opening her eyes) Wow, your Mamaw has better taste than I thought.
MILEY
Aunt Dolly bought me this. Mamaw bought me this...
Miley reaches down and places a large, purple top hat on her head, giving Lilly a short grin.
LILLY
Ya'ow...
MILEY
Wait for it...
Miley claps her hands together, the hat pings and some lights turn on.
LILLY
Ya'ow with lights!
Miley claps her hands again, and the lights, with a ping, turn off.
MILEY
I thought having both of them here would make this night perfect, but now I just can't wait for it to be over, what am I gonna' do?
LILLY
Well, too bad you can't just put them in front of a mirror and show them how ridiculous they look.
MILEY
Wait a minute...(the lights on the hat ping on)...I got an idea.
LILLY
(pointing at the hat) OK, that was weird.
***
Down in the kitchen, Robby is playing a game of battleships against Mamaw.
ROBBY
E-seven.
MAMAW
Miss. Again.
Aunt Dolly starts approaching from behind, looking at Mamaw's board.
MAMAW
A-two.
ROBBY
Hit...again. Dang it woman, I'm your son, doesn't that account for anything?
MAMAW
(cheekily) No.
AUNT DOLLY
Excuse me, I'm argh...a little hungry, but I was just wondering if I should have this apple BEFORE lunch?
ROBBY
(after a short pause) B-four?
MAMAW
Hit...A-three?
ROBBY
Miss.
AUNT DOLLY
Excuse me, could you tell me where I might found a napkin, 'cause I don't SEE ONE.
MAMAW
(standing to Aunt Dolly) All right, I will tell you what I see. The woman who put the old in the Grand Ole Opry. You sank my submarine.
AUNT DOLLY
He did that.
MAMAW
Oh, crying out loud, he couldn't beat me at tiddlywinks.
ROBBY
Let that live forever!
From upstairs, they hear Lilly and Miley arguing...
LILLY (V/O)
Don't you walk away from me, you shrink-wrapped, rhinestone, hillbilly!
Lilly and Miley walk into view from downstairs, Miley dressed as a look-alike Aunt Dolly, and Lilly as Mamaw.
MILEY
Let it go, you sour old prune! You are just mad 'cause Elvis chose me.
LILLY
(they start for the kitchen) He didn't choose you, you stole him, you big-haired, two-timing, yackity-yodeller!
MILEY
Well, I'd rather have big hair than a double-wide backside.
LILLY
Well, at least I don't have a triple-wide ego and a mouth to match.
Jackson, disguised as Elvis Presley, comes walking down from upstairs.
JACKSON
Ladies, please. You're all shook up. Don't be cruel. You gotta' take all that anger and return to sender, baby.
MILEY
Elvis, didn't you love me the most?
JACKSON
Well pretty mammas, when it comes down to it I would've traded you both for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
MILEY
So, you mean to tell me we've been fighting all these years for nothing?
JACKSON
A-ha-ha.
LILLY
And forgetting that we both married wonderful men?
JACKSON
A-ha.
MILEY
And we should just stop arguing and celebrate Miley's big night?
JACKSON
A-yeah.
ROBBY
I believe it's your turn now ladies.
AUNT DOLLY
(to Mamaw) Well, don't that beat all?
MAMAW
Well, don't I feel foolish. How come I never thought of "yackity-yodeller", that one's a keeper!
AUNT DOLLY
I'm gonna' do you a favour. I'm gonna' pretend like I didn't hear that.
MAMAW
Oh, kind of like you've been pretending for the past thirty years that that's your real hair?
AUNT DOLLY
You wanna' dance, Mamaw? Well bring on the music!
MAMAW
Bring it on, blondie!
AUNT DOLLY
You, just...
Mamaw extends her leg up to attack in on Aunt Dolly, but Miley steps in between it all.
MILEY
OK, stop it! I love you both...but I guess you don't love me enough to stop this. And if this is how you're gonna' act, I don't want either of you guys there tonight. (walks off; and turns back) In fact, why don't you both just...just go home!
Miley runs off upstairs, and Jackson and Lilly follow after her.
***
Miley, still half-dressed as Aunt Dolly, is upstairs in Hannah Montana's closet. She throws the dress from Aunt Dolly on a seat. Mamaw and Aunt Dolly walk in.
MAMAWSweetie, could we talk to you for just a minute?
MILEY
Why?
AUNT DOLLY
Well because, you really are important to us, angel. And, if you'll let us come to the awards show, we promise to behave.
MAMAW
We really will.
MILEY
Why should I believe anything ya'll say?
AUNT DOLLY
Well, we'll prove it to you. Ruthie, does this outfit make me look trampy?
MAMAW
(struggling to get out the wording) N...no, not at all. Wait a minute, I can do better than that.
MILEY
Mamaw, it's OK. You're trying. That is all I've ever wanted.
AUNT DOLLY
So we can come?
MAMAW
It would mean the world to us.
MILEY
Fine...but I'm picking out my own outfit.
AUNT DOLLY / MAMAW
But...! ...OK.
***
Outside on the beach, Rico and Oliver are watching a look-alike of Rico, saying the lines for the ad. Unlike the real Rico, he is confident, and has a deep, manly voice.
ACTOR #1
Hey-o, my name is Rico, and this is Rico's! Do you like hot dogs? Well we've got the best hot dogs in town.
OLIVER
Perfect! He's great.
RICO
I'm not feeling it.
Rico goes and stands behind the actor, both of them put their hands on their hips.
RICO
He doesn't have the right look.
OLIVER
Are you kidding? He could be your brother.
ACTOR #1
I am his brother!
***
Now in front of the camera stands a guy in his 20's, musclier and attractive, pointing.
RICO
Now that's a Rico.
OLIVER
In what world?
RICO
Let's just see what he's got. (to the actor) Whenever you're ready, beautiful...it's like looking in a mirror.
Rico steps aside, pulling up his sleeves...Oliver gives a bizarre look, as he indicates for the actor to start saying the line. However, despite his manly appearance, he has a squeaky, low voice...
ACTOR #2
Hey-o, my name's Rico...
RICO
OK...I know how to fix this.
***
Rico and Oliver are sitting at a table on the beach watching a playback of the commercial. The second actor is on the video, but we hear Rico's voice in his place.
RICO (V/O)
I'm Rico, and I'll be waiting for you. Hey-o!
Behind them, a group of girls are watching the commercial and are overwhelmed by the handsomeness of the actor...they give a sigh.
OLIVER
I am ashamed to be a part of this.
RICO
Nothing sells hot dogs like some sweet relish!
Rico winks at the girls.
***
Backstage at the awards night – Hannah, Robby, Aunt Dolly and Mamaw are all gathered around.
HANNAH
OK daddy, now remember, when you introduce me, it is not about you. You get on, and get right back off.
ROBBY
Just for that, I'm gonna' tell them how you used to put that diaper on your head and run around the house. Captain Diaperhead! They're gonna' love that.
HANNAH
That is exactly why I bought pictures of you in your chubby years.
ROBBY
Fine! Captain Diaperhead triumphs again...
Robby heads for the stage.
ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Now presenting the award for Female Artist of the year, award winning singer and songwriter, Robby Ray!
An applause from the audience is heard.
HANNAH
Hey, you guys might want to go take your seats now.
AUNT DOLLY
No, I'm fine right here, I wanna' be the first one to hug you when you come off that stage.
MAMAW
Well I wanted to be the only one wearing pink, too, so it looks like we're both going to be disappointed.
AUNT DOLLY
(on Hannah's look) Well, we'll hug her together.
MAMAW
What a nice idea.
Hannah pats Mamaw on the shoulder.
HANNAH
I'm watching you...
***
On stage.
ROBBY
Fifteen years ago, I was lucky enough to win Artist of the Year, and tonight it is my honour to present this to my own daughter. Ladies and gentleman give it up for Miss Hannah Montana!
The spotlight shines on Hannah as she walks on, giving Robby a hug as she takes the award.
HANNAH
Thanks, daddy...(taking the microphone)...I couldn't have asked for a better introduction. I have to say that, he's my ride home.
***
Backstage, Mamaw and Aunt Dolly are watching Hannah via the TV screen.
MAMAW
You know, that girl has such a wonderful sense of humour. She got that from my side of the family.
AUNT DOLLY
Oh, really? I always thought she learned how to get a chuckle out of an audience from watching me on stage.
As Aunt Dolly turns away, Mamaw starts mocking her.
MAMAW
(mocking tone) From watching me on stage, me, me, me, me!
***
Cuts back to the stage.
HANNAH
This is such an incredible honour, and getting it from my dad makes it all the more special.
The audience gives her another round of applause.
***
Cuts backstage, things are beginning to get nasty between Mamaw and Aunt Dolly...
MAMAW
You know actually, I never really thought you were all that funny.
AUNT DOLLY
Well, Elvis thought I had a wonderful comic mind.
MAMAW
Oh, I know what Elvis was thinking about and honey, trust me, it had nothing to do with your mind!
AUNT DOLLY
You take that back.
MAMAW
You make me.
Mamaw has cornered Aunt Dolly against the lighting box, and she accidently hits her hand on a switch which makes the shadow of them visible on stage behind Hannah...
HANNAH
And what makes this night perfect is I can share it with the two women who've inspired me, with their character, strength and of course...
All this has been said by Hannah while we can see the shadow of Aunt Dolly and Mamaw fighting in the background screen.
MAMAW (V/O)
Man stealer!
AUNT DOLLY (V/O)
Sore loser!
HANNAH
...their class...
Hannah and Robby share a look, as Robby turns to go backstage and sort it all out...
HANNAH
I can always count on these two very special ladies to STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING, when I need them.
We see that Robby's figure gets kicked away abruptly. Hannah looks back with fright.
HANNAH
Oh, oh, I remember when...when I got my first review. They both CUT IT OUT and sent it to me. (starting for the back of the stage) They sent me so many clippings, I finally just had to say...(screaming at the screen)...ENOUGH ALREADY!! (walks to the microphone) I'll be right back...
Hannah smiles, as she walks backstage.
***
In the Stewarts' living room, Lilly walks in with some popcorn. Jackson is on the couch.
LILLY
Jackson, I leave the room for two minutes and you put on wrestling. Flip back to the awards show. (sits down)
JACKSON
This is the awards show.
LILLY
(watching the TV) Oh...that's gonna' leave a mark...
***
On the stage, we watch the reflection of Hannah run over to the wrestling pair of Mamaw and Aunt Dolly.
HANNAH
You guys promised! (a brief cut back to Jackson and Lilly; Hannah jumps in between the two of them and pulls off both of their wigs)...enough!
The reflections of Aunt Dolly and Mamaw run away screaming, Hannah holding up the wigs. Cuts back to Lilly and Jackson, eyes glued on the TV screen, feasting on popcorn.
LILLY
Wow...your family really is better than cable.
***
Hannah runs back on stage, her hair a mess, as she takes the microphone.
HANNAH
Once again, I would just like to thank you so much for this award. (holds up Aunt Dolly's wig) I mean, this award...(holds up Mamaw's wig in her other hand)...oh, sweet niblets! I hope you two are happy! (pause) Goodnight, everybody!
Hannah runs off stage as the audience applaud her once more.
***
Later on, Hannah rushes into the house, followed by Mamaw and Aunt Dolly.
AUNT DOLLY
Miley, slow down, I think I broke a heel!
MAMAW
Yeah, well I think I broke a hip.
HANNAH
Will you two stop it? You turned one of the best nights of my life into some...some kind of granny smackdown.
MAMAW
Oh, Miley, sweetie...how many times do we have to say we're sorry?
HANNAH
You can say you're sorry a million times, but I will never forgive you. (pause) I learned that from the best.
Mamaw and Aunt Dolly look embarrassed, as Hannah runs upstairs.
***
Hannah is in her closet, holding her award, as Robby enters.
ROBBY
Mile?
HANNAH
Great night, huh? (waves her trophy unenthusiastically) Wa-hoo...
Robby and Hannah sit down on the steps leading towards the clothing caracal.
ROBBY
Hey, listen, darlin'.
HANNAH
Dad, don't ask me to go out there and forgive them, 'cause I won't.
ROBBY
I don't blame you. I think those women actually dislocated my shoulder. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to them again.
HANNAH
Good...'cause I'm not.
ROBBY
Good for you. Why should you treat them any different than they treat each other?
HANNAH
Where are you going with this?
ROBBY
(stands) Well, wherever your heart tells me I'm going. Think about it. (walks out)
HANNAH
(as Robby has gone) I hate when he goes all fortune cookie on me.
***
Mamaw and Aunt Dolly are sitting on the couch. Robby is at the door, beside their luggage.
ROBBY
I'll put your luggage in the car. (picks up a bag) Oh, gee, I wonder what's wrong with my shoulder...oh, that's right, I was body-slammed into the stage door!
He takes some bags and heads out.
AUNT DOLLY
(calling after him) Sorry about that.
MAMAW
(calling after him) My bad, sweetie. (looks upstairs; pause) Well, I guess she's not coming down.
AUNT DOLLY
I don't blame her.
The two of them stand with their bags and head for the door, but before they can leave Miley calls after them.
MILEY
Hey! Don't go yet. (approaching them) I'm still incredibly mad at you.
MAMAW
I don't blame you, sweetie.
MAMAW
Me neither.
MILEY
But...that doesn't mean I'll never forgive you. Because if I don't, I lose you, and I've seen what that looks like. So, ya'll can go on hating each other, but...I'll never hate you. I don't think the two most important women in my life would want me to act that way.
Miley gives each of them a hug.
MAMAW
(to Aunt Dolly) She's a pretty remarkable girl, isn't she?
AUNT DOLLY
Yes she is, and smart too.
MAMAW
You know, I am kind of tired of acting this way.
AUNT DOLLY
So am I. Hating burns up a lot of energy.
MAMAW
Thirty years worth. What do you say we start trying to be nice to each other again?
AUNT DOLLY
Well, I'd like that.
Aunt Dolly and Mamaw, from their sides, embrace Miley, who gets squished from impact.
MILEY
Oh, hello...squishing the pop star.
AUNT DOLLY
(as she and Mamaw release) Oh, sorry...
MILEY
I didn't say I didn't like it.
AUNT DOLLY
Oh!
Mamaw and Aunt Dolly hug her again from each side. Aunt Dolly playfully hits Mamaw with her purse.
***
Miley, Aunt Dolly, Mamaw and Robby are sitting on the couch. Robby has his guitar.
MILEY (singing)
# You're a true friend.
Aunt Dolly joins in, Mamaw starts hitting a book with a pencil to keep the beat.
MILEY / AUNT DOLLY (singing)
# You're here 'til the end. You pull me aside when something ain't right (Mamaw starts humming), talk with me now, and into the night, no need to pretend. You're a true friend.
Each of them express happiness by cheering or by a similar mean.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.
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