2x25 - Hannah In The Street With Diamonds

Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Oliver is behind Lily and Miley, who are looking out for Hannah Montana's new diamond.

OLIVER
I still can't believe Hannah's getting her own diamond on the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds!

Oliver poses behind a camera and takes a photo of himself beside a diamond.

MILEY
Oliver. I know it's a big honour but lets not act like tourists. Just be cool.

They come across Madonna's diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! It's Madonna!

LILY
Take our picture, take our picture!

Lily and Miley squat down on the floor beside the diamond, as Oliver goes to take the photo.

OLIVER
(taking photo) Oh yeah. That's really cool. (as they move on) What is it with chicks and Madonna?

As Miley and Lily continue on, Oliver plants a kiss from his hand on the diamond.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
(whispers) I love you. (joins Lily and Miley again)

LILY
So, argh...where's your diamond going to be?

MILEY
(unfolds map) Well, the Hollywood Diamond Committee said it's two past Madonna. So (gestures along the diamonds), Madonna, Brad Pit...

As they count to Hannah's diamond, they see chilli falling down on the diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Yaow!

LILY
What's that gunk on your diamond?

MILEY
It looks like chilli.

They look up and see that it's from the above hot-dog stand.

OLIVER
(dreamily; approaches stand) ...It is chilli.

Miley and Lily follow after him.

MILEY
And it's gross! Come on people, keep it in your buns! (shouting to Hot Dog conveyor) Excuse me!

Miley approaches the conveyor.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Could you move your cart down the street a little?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Could I? Sure. Will I? No.

MILEY
Well, you could put it right by Scooby Doo's Diamond. (howling) 'Hot Dog' on the 'Hot Dog'. (touches cart) I'll help you push.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hands off the cart, princess. I've been slinging weenies on this spot for twenty years and I'll be slinging theme for twenty more.

LILY
But Hannah Montana's Diamond is gonna' be here! And your dogs are leaking on it.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hannah Montana? Why, all the kids in my building love her!

MILEY
(hopeful) So you'll move?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
No, I hate all the kids in my building. Give it up, cupcake. There's nothing in the world that's gonna' get me off of this spot. (ding) Quitting time! (starts pushing cart away) Don't worry, folks. I'll be back tomorrow.

In spitefulness, he purposely spoons some chilli onto Hannah's diamond. The three, Miley in particular, look on in disgust.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR [CONT'D]
Oops. My bad.

Pushing the cart with him, he walks off, Miley calling after him.

MILEY
I...am not cleaning that up, mister! (pause) Oliver, clean it up.

OLIVER
No.

A flower cart comes along beside Hannah's diamond, where the Hot Dog stand was previously situated.

LILY
Oh, hey, look, flowers! At night, devoted fans can place rose petals on your diamond to cover up the chilli stink!

MILEY
Still disgusting. But better!

A sneeze is heard from the flower seller.

OLIVER
Are you alright?

FLOWER SELELR
Fine. The flowers make me phlegmy.

He breathes in, snorts, before finally spitting down on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
Ewgh!

LILY
Right on the diamond.

MILEY
Let me guess. You've been here twenty years and you'll be here twenty more.

FLOWER SELLER
And after that my son will take over. (indicates the dorky kid beside him)

In a similar fashion as to what his father recently displayed, the son spits out on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
(annoyed) Whoa. Talk about your spitting image.

***

OPENING CREDITS

Starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

And BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Stewart Household – Miley and her father, Robby, are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

MILEY
It was disgusting! There was so much gunk in the sidewalk it was like I was getting my diamond on Uncle Earl's back porch!

ROBBY
Come on darlin', I'm eating here. Besides, it's not important where they put the diamond, it's the fact they gave you one in the first place.

MILEY
But the place they gave me is on the corner of Chilli Avenue and Snot-Rocket Boulevard!

ROBBY
Now let me tell you, when they gave me my diamond, what they did was...

MILEY
(interrupts) Put it right in front of the world-famous Chinese Theatre? Right where the tour bus lets off?

ROBBY
They say it's one of the most photographed diamonds out there, but...I may not be the best example.

MILEY
'Ya think?

The two of them stand up and make their way over to the kitchen.

ROBBY
Let me tell you honey, what's important is, always remember, "it's just an honour to have one".

MILEY
Alright, great. Then you'll give me yours!

ROBBY
Oh, honey! That wouldn't be right, then you would have a great spot and learn nothing. What kind of a father would I be if I let that happen?

MILEY
The kind that just wants to keep his spot!

ROBBY
Oh, honey, I had it first! Besides, it's right next to John Wayne! The duke, honey, the duke!

MILEY
But you said that location doesn't matter.

ROBBY
It doesn't. I'm just too old to listen to myself. You, on the other hand, legally have to. Bye-bye!

He skips off upstairs.

***

Jackson is in his car, trying to get it to start up. After unsuccessfully trying again, he jumps out and goes to the front bonnet.

JACKSON
Please just be a little broken, please just be a little broken!

As he opens the bonnet, smoke comes flying out at him from everywhere. He goes over and starts kicking the tyre.

JACKSON [CONT'D]
I said please! (the metallic ring of the tyre detaches due to the kicking, and the air deflates) Argh! And I was going to get you a hot wax!

Sighing, he takes out his mobile and raises it to his ear. Over at Rico's Shack, he is sitting on the counter as his phone rings and he answers.

RICO
Heyo! It's Rico!

JACKSON
Rico, my car broke down. I'm going to be late for work.

RICO
Sure, these things happen, I totally understand.

JACKSON
Gee, thanks, man!

RICO
Of course, if you're not here in five minutes, you're fired!

JACKSON
Oh, come on! Have a heart!

RICO
(looks down at his watch teasingly) Four fifty nine, four fifty eight, fifty seven...tick tock, tick tock!

JACKSON
Wait a minute, wait a minute! What if I get somebody to cover my shift?

RICO
Is it somebody like you, or someone with a brain?

JACKSON
(laughs) That's a good one boss. Hey, want to hear another good one?

He takes his phone and puts it on the bonnet and beeps on the horn. In alarm Rico falls behind the counter at the Shack.

***

Rico is behind the counter, looking down at his watch, awaiting Jackson's arrival.

RICO
Three...two...

Robby, in tight jeans and a "Rico's Shack" shirt, approaches the counter.

ROBBY
Hey, boss. What do you want me to do first?

RICO
Oh, jumbo Jackson. This is gonna' be good.

***

Hannah Montana enters Randall Garrison's (the head of the Hollywood Diamond Committee's) office.

HANNAH
(entering office) Excuse me. I am looking for a...Mr Randall Garisson, the President of the Parade of Diamonds Committee.

RANDALL
(turning) You found him. (jumps up) Argh!

HANNAH
Argh!

RANDALL
What?

HANNAH
I don't know, you screamed first.

RANDALL
I'm just so thrilled to finally meet Hannah Montana. What can I do for you? Whatever it is, the answer is yes.

HANNAH
Great. Move my diamond!

RANDALL
Argh...no.

HANNAH
But you said the answer is yes.

RANDALL
I lied.

HANNAH
But, Mr Garrison, you don't understand. There's this hot dog guy with drippy chilli, and this phlegmy flower family going...(impersonates sneeze) all over my diamond, and now all over your shoe. (pause; grins) Sorry?

RANDALL
So am I. Look, rules are rules. Only once in our history have we ever moved a diamond.

HANNAH
Whose diamond?

RANDALL
Your diamond.

HANNAH
My diamond?

RANDALL
Originally, you were in a wonderful spot, then I switched it. Special request from a great talent and an even greater humanitarian. That's right. I'm talking about...(presents a large photo of him and a puppet) ...Pancake Buffalo!

HANNAH
A puppet? I lost my diamond to a pile of purple felt with a hand where it's heinie should be?

RANDALL
Hold it right there. When I was a little boy, and TV was my only friend, that pile of purple felt taught me how to love.

HANNAH
(touched) Very, very touching. (flared) Switch me back!

RANDALL
And put my little Buffalo back under that horrible pile of chilli and lung lava? (slight laughter) I don't think so.

HANNAH
Fine. If you won't do the right thing, then I'll just go talk to the hand.

RANDALL
What hand?

HANNAH
The hand that's up to it's elbow in buffalo butt.

***

Rico's Shack. Robby is serving someone.

ROBBY
Here you go. Enjoy. Y'all come back now, you hear? (the customers walk off as he hands them their nachos)

Rico stands beside him, carrying over a tin of nachos.

RICO
Excuse me, Mr. Stewart. Anyone ever told you you've got great hair?

ROBBY
(strokes his hair) Oh, Rico. Is the sky blue?

RICO
I wouldn't know. I'm not looking at the sky. I'm looking at hairy nachos!

Rico pulls out from the nachos a string of hair with cheese drizzling off it.

RICO [CONT'D]
A friend of yours, I presume?

ROBBY
I guess I could wear a hat.

RICO
Thanks. But I got a better idea.

Cuts to Robby sitting on a seat at the counter – Rico is behind him putting a hairnet on Robby.

RICO
There.

Robby looks at his hair in the mirror on the sunglasses shack.

ROBBY
This is a crime against nature!

RICO
Fine, you can lose the hairnet, but Jackson will lose his job.

ROBBY
You are an evil little boy!

RICO
Flattery will get you nowhere. Now I believe it's time to scrape the gum from underneath the counter. (he has handed Robby the scraper)

Rico places a piece of gum underneath the counter, as we see the millions of other pieces dismissed there.
RICO [CONT'D]
This may take some time. I chew a lot of gum. (Robby leans to look under the counter) Hey, cafeteria lady. Less lookey, more scrapey.

ROBBY
You are about to find yourself in a very sticky situation.

Cuts to Jackson running in behind the counter, his face full of black dust.

JACKSON
Hey, Rico, I got my car started! Rico?

There is a knock from beneath the counter. Jackson looks under and finds Rico trapped hanging underneath, his clothes stuck against the gum.

JACKSON
My dad?

RICO
Yeah.

JACKSON
I'm fired?

RICO
Oh yeah.

***

At the "Pancake Buffalo" TV recording station set. "Astronaut Hector" is standing by a rock – where Pancake Buffalo is singing a tune. Hannah, Lola and Mike are on the set watching. Lola and Mike are dancing along to the tune.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And that's all the planets in our solar system, we'll sing them again tomorrow, in case you missed them.

HECTOR
I'm Astronaut Hector!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And I'm Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO / HECTOR
(sings) And that's the end of our out-of-this-world, outer space, intergalactic show.

PANCAKE BUFALLO
(laughs) Bye-bye, kids!

HECTOR
Aidos!

As Hector waves, Lola and Mike wave back at him. Cindy Merriwether, the operator behind Pancake Buffalo's puppet, comes out from behind the rock.

CINDY
Oh, that was a wonderful rehearsal. Hector, you deserve an extra-special cupcake.

HECTOR
(walks away; annoyed) Eight years of drama school for this.

LOLA
(excited) I can't believe I'm this close to Pancake Buffalo! That little puppet taught me how to go potty. (starts to sing) Diapers are for babies, I'm a big kid don't you know. And when I get that uh-oh feeling...(Mike joins in) I know where to go! The potty, the potty, and flush it all down!

HANNAH
(interrupts) I get it! I get it. You got the "potty" in you. (turns to Cindy, who is holding Pancake Buffalo still) Excuse me, Miss Pancake Buffalo puppet-person lady.

CINDY
Hi, I'm Cindy Merriwether, and I know who you are, Hannah Montana. (turning to Mike and Lola) But I don't know who you are, or you either. But that's OK, because...

MIKE, LOLA & CINDY
(starting to sing) When you don't know someone's name...

HANNAH
(interrupts) It's Mike and Lola! Anyway, I hear that argh...Pancake and I are gonna' be neighbours on the Parade of Diamonds.

CINDY
And Pancake is so excited!

HANNAH
Miss Meriwether? I'm not a kid anymore. You don't have to pretend like Pancake's real.

CINDY
What do you mean?

HANNAH
That he's a puppet.

CINDY
Oh, no, he's not.

HANNAH
Yes he is. You operate him behind this thing.

CINDY
No I don't. Pancake is my special friend. At my high school reunion, he was my date. It's nap time, Pancake...(approaches puppet)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) Boing!

MIKE
Well, she's just deep into character.

LOLA
(as Cindy walks off) Yeah, scary deep!

Cindy is over at the foods.

CINDY
Bindenboudenschlasser truffles, (to Hannah) made with milk from happy Swiss cows. Now, what can I do for you?

HANNAH
Well, you see, argh...(Cindy "shushes" her) Well, you know that you kind of...(Cindu "shushes" her again) Well, you and...(Cindy "shushes" her for a third time, Hannah is now angry) You stole my diamond!

CINDY
Now, you don't need to use your angry voice.

MIKE
You know, she's always had a problem with that.

HANNAH
(angry) Zip it!

MIKE
You see?

CINDY
Hannah, darling. Cindy understands why you're such a grumpy-umpus. You had the diamond first, and we shouldn't have switched it without asking.

HANNAH
So you'll switch me back?

CINDY
(starting for Pancake) Oh, I would love to.

HANNAH
(following her) Yes!

CINDY
But it's not up to me. (squats down behind rock)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) I don't like where this is going!

Pancake, the puppet, pops up from behind the rock.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
It's up to me, blondie. So ask me with your happy voice!

HANNAH
Cindy, please.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(angry) There's no Cindy down here! Now let me hear that happy voice!

HANNAH
OK. (with reluctance in her tone) Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Mmm-hmm?

HANNAH
Will you please give me my diamond back?

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Oh, well now that you put it that way...No!

HANNAH
But that's not fair!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You want to switch diamonds? Go ask that Garrison bozo. Oh wait a minute...he loves me!

HANNAH
OK, listen here you glorified oven mitt.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, Hannah, want to know the weather report for Montana? Chilli all day, with a 100% chance of spit showers! (evil laughter)

Hannah forces a fake smile and laugh, before violently reaching to choke the puppet.

HANNAH
Arghhh!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Security! Security!

Mike and Lola pull Hannah away (though it does take them a while). Pancake calls after them.


PANCAKE BUFFALO
Don't validate her parking!

Hannah's temper flares again – she races over to the puppet and goes behind the rock, attempting to pull it from Cindy's hand. Lola runs over to get Hannah away.

***

Hannah, followed by Lola and Mike, enter Randall Garrison's office again.

HANNAH
Excuse me, Mr. Garrison.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...again. And if it's about your diamond, I don't want to hear it.

HANNAH
But Mr Garrison, you don't understand. I went to Cindy Merriwether, and she made me talk to the puppet like it was real.

RANDALL
He is real to millions of children. So...(excited) what did he say?

HANNAH
Your fuzzy little friend called you a bozo.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...

LOLA
But it's true!

MIKE
We were there.

The phone beside him rings.

RANDALL
If you'll excuse me.

Randall answers the phone, as the three teens congregate over in the corner a little.

HANNAH
OK, that's it! If Captain Kiss-Up is not gonna' believe that Merriwether and her puppet are evil, we will just have to show him.

MIKE
And how do we do that?


LOLA
Well, it usually involves bad accents, sticky food and dumb costumes.

HANNAH
That is so not true! (pause) Hey Oliver, can you get your hands on your mom's old security outfit?

OLIVER
Oh, I'm so in! (runs out)

LOLA
Rookie!

Hannah and Lola run out after him.

***

The beach outside Rico's – Rico's nails are being groomed by two young, attractive ladies.

RICO
Keep them sharp. I like to scratch. Arghh! (he claws at the two of them)

Jackson approaches, then calls back for Robby.

JACKSON
Come on! We talked about this.

ROBBY
Fine. (with reluctance, he walks over)

JACKSON
Hey Rico. There's someone here who wants to talk to you.

RICO
I'm all ears.

ROBBY
I'm sorry. My behaviour was totally inappropriate and it disgraced this fine establishment. (whispers to Jackson) I hate this!

JACKSON
Just do it!

ROBBY
And it in no way reflects the opinion of my diligent, hard working son. There!

RICO
What can I say? I'm as forgiving as I am handsome. Apology accepted. Now was that so hard?

ROBBY
You really want to rattle gator's cage, boy?

RICO
No, sir.

ROBBY
You're a genius.

He walks off.

JACKSON
OK, so...I guess I'll just go back to work then?

RICO
(to the girls beside him) I always wondered why he was such a loser. (Jackson turns back) Now I know. He gets it from his Dad.

JACKSON
'Scuse me?

RICO
Talk about your country dumpkin!

JACKSON
"Country Dumpkin"?

Jackson eyes Rico angrily – and suddenly a large shadow overtakes Rico's now frightened figure.

RICO
(scared) Jackson!

***

Jackson is behind the counter at Rico's, and Rico is once again trapped beneath the counter, stuck to the gum.

JACKSON
Say it! Go on, say it.

RICO
Alright, I'm sorry.

JACKSON
And?

RICO
(quietly) I have a big mouth.

JACKSON
(teasingly) I can't hear you.

RICO
(shouts) I have a big mouth!


JACKSON
Now was that so hard?

RICO
This isn't funny!

JACKSON
That's right. (takes a piece of gum from his mouth) But this is! (sticks gum to Rico's nose)

Without saying a word, Rico's facial expression turns "grossed-out" and he squirms to get the gum off his nose. Jackson grins.

***

Outside the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Randall is standing by Cindy.

RANDALL
Well, we have two hours before the ceremony, is there anything you or Pancake need?

CINDY
No, Randall. Thanks to you we're right as rainbows. And Pancake is so happy you moved his diamond home. He has a special surprise. For you!

Cindy leans down under the lectern.

RANDALL
Calm down, Randall. You're an adult.

Pancake Buffalo's puppet pops up from under the lectern.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hi Randall!

RANDALL
(excited) Hi Pancake!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You've been so wonderful, I'm making you an honorary Buffalo buddy! Ha!

RANDALL
I've always wanted to be a Buffalo buddy. I could never collect enough box tops, because my mom always said "your cereal is too sugary". Meanwhile, she was packing away the doughnuts like they were going out of style!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Now, Randall.

RANDALL
I know. Angry voice. (ashamed in himself) I'm sorry.

Oliver, disguised as a police officer, approaches Randall.
OLIVER
You got a permit for this little party?

RANDALL
Of course I do. It's argh...in my car.

OLIVER
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll ask the questions around here.

RANDALL
I wasn't asking a question, Officer...(looks at badge) Nancy Oiken?

OLIVER
My father named me that. His name was Harriet. You got a problem with that?

RANDALL
No...not if you don't?

OLIVER
Just get the permit sir.

Randall walks way. Oliver steps away and talks into the walkie-talkie.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
Proceeding east with suspect.

He passes by Miley, who is crouched down behind a sign.

MILEY
Roger, Nancy. Phase two is a go!

Lily, in disguise, is carting by a chocolate stand.

LILY
(German accent) Yodel he he who! I've got Bindenboudenschlasser chocolate for you!

Cindy pops her head up from under the lectern.

CINDY
Oh! Did somebody say Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates? (chases after Lily)

LILY
Milk the happy Swiss cows myself. Squirter, squeezer. Squirter, squeezer.

CINDY
Wait, wait. (calls over lectern) Pancake, honey, mommy will be back in just a sec! (chases after Lily)

Miley goes behind the lectern to reach for Buffalo as Cindy disappears, and Oliver comes walking along with Randall. Oliver is examining the permit.
OLIVER
This permit looks good. You'd be surprised how many people try to get fancy with the Nancy. (Oliver's walkie-talkie starts to go off)

OLIVER'S MOTHER (V/O)
Oliver, it's your mother! Stop messing with my walkie-talkie!

OLIVER
(embarrassed; tuts) I gotta' go.

Oliver runs off. Randall turns back to the lectern.

RANDALL
Sorry about that. Miss Merriwether? Pancake? It's me! Your...argh, Buffalo Buddy!

Miley, who is hidden behind the lectern, has put the puppet on her hands and impersonates the voice as she pops it up.

MILEY
(impersonating Pancake Buffalo) Oh, get over it, you snivelling little dork!

RANDALL
(fake laughter) What?

MILEY
Hey, folks! Want to see a genuine Hollywood freak? Check out the middle-aged loser talking to a puppet!

RANDALL
(through consistent laughter) No, I'm not talking to a puppet. I...(speaks quickly to Buffalo) How can you say that? We're Buffalo Buddies!

MILEY
Yeah, and it's a big deal. When you're three! Grow up, or do you want to spend the rest of your life living with your doughnut-scarfing mother?

RANDALL
(laughs) That's enough Miss Merriwether, that's enough!

MILEY
No, this is enough. (laughs, and the puppet bites into Randall's nose)

RANDALL
That's it! I'm giving Hannah Montana her spot back!

The puppet releases.

MILEY
(no longer in puppet voice) Yes!


RANDALL
You've just bought yourself a one-way ticket to loogie land!

Cindy is making her way back to the lectern, Lily is following behind her with the cart.

LILY
Kummen Sie back!

CINDY
No! Those are not real Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates!

LILY
Yeah, they are!

RANDALL
Miss Merriwether?

Cindy looks over and sees that Pancake is being operated.

CINDY
Pancake?

MILEY
N'arghhh!

Miley chucks the puppet up into the air, and Randall catches it. Miley quickly jumps to her feet and runs off. Lily follows.

LILY
Yumpin' yimminy!

Lily runs off, turning back and getting a jar of chocolate. She then turns and runs again.

***

Hannah's diamond – Lily and Oliver are dropping hot dog chilli on it, Miley is sweeping it up.

MILEY
Guys!

LILY
Sorry.

OLIVER
But these things are so good!

MILEY
Great. Even my friends splat on my diamond! I wish I wouldn't have even gotten this stupid thing.

As the three of them walk off, a young girl runs over to Hannah's diamond.

GIRL
Mommy! Mommy! It's Hannah Montana's diamond! Take my picture.

The girl crouches down beside the diamond, as her mother snaps a picture.

LILY
Looks like she thinks it's pretty cool.

OLIVER
You know, if your fans don't care where you diamond is...

MILEY
Then I shouldn't either? I guess that it is what it's really all about.

OLIVER
Pretty much.

MILEY
I cannot believe how nuts I went trying to get my spot back.

As they walk away, they come across some workmen lowering a portable toilet onto Pancake Buffalo's diamond.

WORKMAN (V/O)
That's it. Set her down easy, right on top of old Pancake Buffalo.

LILY
Hey, look at that, a gift from above.

MILEY
I'll be right back. I gotta' go leave a little something for Pancake. (she smiles, as she enters the toilet)

***

Pancake's diamond – a Workman goes to open the door of the portable bathroom, but Pancake's puppet pops out.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, where do you think you're going, buddy?

WORKMAN
Well, I gotta...

PANCAKE BUFFALO
No you don't!

WORKMAN
Oh, yes I do.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Then try the gas station for blocks down. Ha, looks like you could use the exercise.

WORKMAN
What am I doing? You're a puppet!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah. A puppet that's about to knock you silly!

The workman backs away, as others pass by.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah! Be scared! (an old lady passes by) Anybody else want a piece of me? How about you, grandma? Yeah! Yeah!

The old lady backs away, terrified.

Hannah Montana and all related entities © Walt Disney

No infringement intended.

2x12 - When You Wish You Were The Star

Hannah is on-stage performing "Old Blue Jeans". The audience cheers, as she walks backstage. Lola follows her into her dressing room.

LOLA
Hannah, you rock! I can't believe you did three encores! (shuts door, now angry) I can't believe you did three encores. You know we have a Science project due Monday, what is wrong with you?

HANNAH
Oh, oh, OK. Let's leave this boring, rock-star life behind and get back to the glamorous world of earthworm larvae!

There is a knock at the door, and Roxy, Hannah's bodyguard, steps in.

ROXY
You decent, girl? I got your squeaky little friend out here.

Traci Van Horn enters behind Roxy.

TRACI
I told you, it's a nasal condition. And Hannah, I brought someone who wants to meet you! (exit)

LOLA
No way. We're already late and I promised our larvae we'd by home by ten.

HANNAH
(sighs) OK, fine, I'll get rid of whoever it is …

Jesse McCartney enters before Traci.

JESSE
Hey, I'm Jesse.

Excited facial expressions, especially on Lola, show.

HANNAH
(excited) Oh my gosh, it's Jesse McCartney, I love you! (pause) I mean, big fan, big fan.

JESSE
Listen, tonight I am the fan. You did a great job. (to Lola, putting out his hand to shake) And you are?

LOLA
(as she shakes his hand) Eeeep!

JESSE
Nice to meet you…"Eep". Listen, Hannah, a bunch of my friends and I, we're going to the Dragon Room. Wanna come?
HANNAH
Yes.

LOLA
No!

HANNAH
No?

LOLA
Yes!

HANNAH
(turning to Jesse) Excuse us. (Hannah ushers Lola into the corner) What are you doing?

LOLA
Our Science project.

HANNAH
Oh, right. OK, I've got the fix. You do all the work, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!

LOLA
I got a better idea. You give me the Hannah wig, and I'll go out with Jesse. Toodles!

HANNAH
I don't think he speaks "eep"!

JESSE
Listen, ladies, if now's not a good night, why don't we, why don't we do it tomorrow?

HANNAH
That would be absolutely …

LOLA
Math test!

HANNAH
Impossible. How about Tuesday?

LOLA
Yearbook committee!

HANNAH
…Of next week?

LOLA
Homecoming float.

HANNAH
Which I just realized, is no good either. Busy, busy, bee. Yep, that's me! Why don't I just text you?

JESSE
Getting rejected in person is enough. I don't need in writing. Thanks. (he exits)

***

Miley and Lily are sitting on Miley's front porch doing their Science project. Miley is examining a worm.

MILEY
This stinks.

LILY
Of course they stink. They live in their own poop.

MILEY
Not the worms, my life. I cannot believe I gave up Jesse McCartney for a slimy piece of fish bait.

LILY
(taking worm) She didn't mean that, Ernie. She loves you.

She and Miley make their way over to the ledge.

MILEY
If only I could've told Jessie the truth. He would've understood about school stuff…but then I'd blow the secret. This double life is so hard.

Lily points to a shooting star flying across the sky.

LILY
Oh, look! A shooting star! I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?

MILEY
Oh, man…I wish…I wish there was no secret. I was just Hannah Montana all the time. Sure would make life a whole lot easier.

***

The following morning, Hannah Montana is asleep in Miley's bed, in Miley's room. She yawns, as she sits up and strokes her hair. But then she notices she has blonde hair…she tries twisting it, and pulling it off. But it won't budge! She looks around, before going to get a mirror, and looking in horror at her reflection.

HANNAH
What is going on?

Roxy, dressed as an angel, mystically appears at the door.

ROXY
Your wish came true, girl.

HANNAH
Whoa.

ROXY
You didn't want to be Miley. Well now you're all Hannah, all the time.

As Roxy says this, Hannah looks at her reflection in the mirror again.

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Hannah is still in Miley's room, Roxy (dressed as an angel) at the door.

HANNAH
What are you talking about?

ROXY
(approaching Hannah) You wished for one life, and you got it. In this world, Miley Stewart never existed.

HANNAH
Haha, very funny, Roxy.
ROXY
Oh, I'm not Roxy. I'm an angel! I'm only taking the shape of Roxy to make you feel more comfortable, and I am loving it!

HANNAH
OK…How about you just wait here while I go get some very nice men with a very big net?

ROXY
Oh, oh you don't believe me. Well, if I wasn't an angel, could I do this?

As angelic chimes sound in the background, Roxy's shoes grow small wings off the side and she floats into the air.

ROXY [CONT'D]
Check out my fly kicks, and I do mean, fly kicks. (lowers herself onto the ground)

HANNAH
No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.

ROXY
Oh, it's already happened. You wished upon a star, and now Hannah Montana is who you are.

Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Hannah magically disappear into thin air. They reappear downstairs, in the living room, which is "rock-star"-afied.

HANNAH
Wow.

ROXY
Nice crib, huh?

HANNAH
Look at this place! It is so rock-star. (walking through room) I mean, the twinkly lights, the leather couches…and, look at that awesome chandelier! Madonna has one just like it.

ROXY
(guiltily) Not anymore.

HANNAH
I love this!

ROXY
You ain't seen nothing yet.

Hannah's private chef, Pierre, comes over carrying with him a fudge cake with the letters "HM".

PIERRE
Your favourite cake, mademoiselle Montana.

HANNAH
Triple Dutch Chocolate?

PIERRE
With a fudge ripple middle!

HANNAH
I really love this.

PIERRE
I'll put it next to the hot tub, so that you can chill out while you pig out.

Hannah speaks something in French…

HANNAH
I speak French!

ROXY
You have a whole different life. You lived in France, you own polo ponies, and you have a black belt in jujitsu, which came in handy when you fought that tiger on Circus with the Stars. Ha!

HANNAH
I fought a tiger? I am so cool!

As Hannah takes a seat on the lounge, Mr. Corelli enters through the front door.

MR CORELLI
Morning, Hannah.

HANNAH
Mr. Corelli. What are you doing here?

ROXY
Home school teacher. Hannah can't go to public school!

MR CORELLI
Yeah, I dropped by early to grab a little (hits stomach) chow! You know how much I love Pierre's omelette du fromage. By the way, that's French for "Cheese Omelette".

HANNAH
I know!
MR CORELLI
(as they go into the kitchen) Oh, hey, Hannah, do you have that history report for me?

HANNAH
History report…right, well um …

MR CORELLI
(firm) Hey, no excuses young lady, if you do not have that report…(Hannah looks worried, as Mr. Corelli resumes calm voice) Oh who cares! It's home schooling, a la Corelli. By the way, loving the Team Montana jacket! (spins) Bling, bling, bling! Wore it to the salon yesterday, got a free back wax.

HANNAH
So, argh…I don't have to worry about my assignments?

MR CORELLI
You don't have to worry about anything. You…(points at a portrait of Hannah hanging on the wall) are Hannah Montana! Argh!

Hannah smiles as she goes over and lies on the couch, beside Roxy.

HANNAH
And I am loving it.

ROXY
Yeah, life is pretty sweet when you don't have to deal with all that "Miley stuff".

HANNAH
You got that right. No math test, no stinky earthworms and…

ROXY
And more time to spend with your man!

HANNAH
(sits up) I got a man?

ROXY
(as she and Hannah stand) Oh, not just a man…but the man.

Roxy clicks her fingers, and within an instant she and Hannah are teleported away into thin air again…Hannah reappears in a canoe, sitting beside Jesse McCartney, with a French singer rowing the boat and singing.

GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia…

HANNAH
(rests her head on Jesse's shoulder) Oh, mamma mia…

JESSE
The perfect night with the perfect girl.

GUISEPPE
# Santa Lucia …

JESSE
I'd sing to you myself…but I need these lips for something else.

HANNAH
Eeep!

JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Eep".

As they are about to lean in and kiss each-other, Roxy comes up out of the water and leans on the side. She is wearing snorkels and a wetsuit.

ROXY
Sorry, sugar lips, but my wings are getting all soggy.

She clicks her fingers, and she Hannah are teleported away again…back at Hannah's house – Roxy is sat on the piano, back in her angel costume, holding a snorkel. Hannah is on the couch, leaning in as though Jessie is still beside her. She falls down onto the pillow.

HANNAH
You couldn't have given me one more minute?

ROXY
Sorry, but the top of the gondola? Romantic. Bottom? Nasty!

HANNAH
I can't believe it. All these years, I was so paranoid about my secret getting out, but, boy was I wrong! This life is perfect.

Candice, Robby's new wife, enters through the front door.

CANDICE
Hannah-kins! How's my favourite little rock-star? (embraces Hannah)

HANNAH
Great. How's my favourite little…

ROXY
(as Candice moves into the kitchen) Stepmom.

HANNAH
Step-what?

ROXY
Candice was your first home school teacher.

HANNAH
And now she's my mom? That must have been some parent teacher conference.

ROXY
Mmm-hmm?

Robby, Hannah's father, enters with a snowboard, and Candice runs to his side.

ROBBY
Hey, hey, hey darling! You missed some gnarly boarding.

HANNAH
Gnarly boarding?

ROBBY
Totally. Next time we go to Switzerland, you so gotta come with us. It was off the hook.

CANDICE
Radical!


ROBBY
But I'm back now baby, give me a big hug.

Hannah and Robby hug.

HANNAH
(feels his arms) Have you been working out?

ROBBY
(referring Candice) I so gotta stay in shape to keep up with this little kitten.

The two make kitty noises at each-other as Robby chases Candice upstairs.

CANDICE
Stop it!

ROXY
I got some yackety-yak coming back. How about you?

HANNAH
Little bit. But you know what? My Dad's happy…and, that's all that matters, right?

ROXY
That's the spirit. Don't let a little bump in the road get you down.

HANNAH
Speaking of little bumps, where's Jackson?

ROXY
Oh, he doesn't live here anymore.

Roxy clicks her fingers, and she and Roxy are teleported away. Hannah, now wearing different clothes and sunglasses, appears at the beach outside Rico's Shack. Roxy comes flying down the sky and lands abruptly on the beach.

ROXY
Argh! (making her way to Hannah) Sometimes this teleporting stuff ain't easy. Oh no, I dinged a wing!

Jackson is disguised as a hermit, scanning the beach for treasure using a metal detector.

JACKSON
Oh, I got you!

HANNAH
Jackson?

JACKSON
Yee, doggies, a quarter! I'm eating good tonight.

HANNAH
(to Roxie) What happened to him?

ROXY
Hannah Montana. He got tired of people pretending to be his friends just to get to you, so he dropped out and became a hermit. (as Jackson passes) A stinky hermit.

JACKSON
(a beach-goer stares at him) Hey, what are you looking at? Get! Get!

HANNAH
What happened to his voice?

ROXY
Nothing, he just does that to scare people away.
HANNAH
Jackson?

Jackson's metal detector crackles at Hannah.

JACKSON
Sweet nuggets! I hit the mother lode. (does a dance, notices that it is Hannah) Oh, it is just the lode.

HANNAH
Jackson, was being my brother really that bad?

JACKSON
Yep. Now get! I got my own life now. And me and my dolphin brothers and sisters don't care about no Hanny Montanny. (a dolphin squeak is heard in the background) Except for Dave. He loves you. Forget it Dave! You want an autograph, you come up here and you ask her yourself.

HANNAH
Wow. When he dropped out he must've landed on his head.

Oliver, dressed in "bling-bling" clothes, is over near Rico's Shack at a telescope pointed at Hannah's house.

OLIVER
Yo, yo, yo, if you want to be a-viewing, on what a pop-stars doing, just slide me a five and watch the Hannah house live.

HANNAH
I cannot believe Oliver's selling peeks into my house. It's like he's turned into a…

ROXY
A stretched out version of that?

Roxy is pointing over at Rico, who is beside Oliver dressed in the exact same clothes. Oliver is counting money.

RICO
How we doing today, Twice My Size?

OLIVER
Making bacon Mini-Me.

RICO
And we ain't faking. Time to do…

RICO / OLIVER
…a little shaking!

They beat and shake around.

ROXY
All this happened because…

HANNAH
Because I was never Miley, I never went to regular school, and so I never met Oliver. I got it. (pause) Oh no. Angel, what happened to Lily?

Amber, Ashley and Lily step out onto the beach.

AMBER
OK, everyone. Prepare to be jealous.

ASHLEY
Because we look…

LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Fabulous!

The three of them share a three-way "Ooo-tsss" handshake.

HANNAH
(yells) Noooo! (attracts attention of everyone at beach)

ROXY
You've done it now.

LILY
It's Hannah Montana!

HANNAH
Angel, help!

ROXY
Freeze!

Everyone rushing at Hannah and Roxy freeze in their footsteps.

HANNAH
(takes off sunglasses) OK, you know what? I don't want this life back anymore. I want to be Miley again. I want my friends back.

ROXY
Too late for that. Nobody ever gets a second wish.

HANNAH
Angel say what?

ROXY
This is your life, Hannah.

Roxy gestures with her hands, and motion comes back to life at the running fans. But as they reach Hannah, she and Roxy are teleported away again. Amber, Ashley and Lily fall onto the beach behind.

LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY (V/O)
Owgh!

***

Hannah and Roxy appear in Hannah's living room.

HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be a way to get my old life back.

ROXY
I told you, superstar. Only one wish per customer. No refunds or exchanges.

Jesse McCartney enters, carrying with him a basket.

JESSE
Hey, babe. (pecks Hannah's cheek) You ready for our picnic on Papui?

HANNAH
What in the world is Papui?

JESSE
The island I bought you.

HANNAH
(excited squeal) Oh my gosh! Jesse McCartney bought me an island! (calms) I'm sorry Jesse, I can't.

JESSE
Why not?

HANNAH
I'm...sort of, dealing with something right now, so...

JESSE
You're so cute when you're dealing with something right now.

HANNAH
That's sweet, Jesse, but I think I need to be alone. (now starting to usher Jesse towards the front door)
JESSE
You're so cute when you need to be alone.

HANNAH
Jesse!

JESSE
You're so cute when you say "Jessie"!

HANNAH
(pushes Jesse out front door) Get out!

JESSE
You're so cute when you're kicking me out.

HANNAH
I'm serious! (shuts door in his face)

JESSE
Ow...still so cute!

Hannah turns away, back to Roxy, as Jesse walks off.

HANNAH
Angel, there has got to be some kind of loophole.

ROXY
Well, you could...no. Well, how about if you...argh argh. Oh, how about...Girl I got nothing.

HANNAH
(now demanding) Angel, I want my family back, I want my friends back, and Miley Stewart does not take no for an answer.

ROXY
That's because Miley Stewart doesn't exist.

HANNAH
Not yet, but you'd be surprised what this girl can do with a wig.

Hannah runs upstairs.

***

Outside Rico's Shack – Oliver and Rico are beating.

RICO
Get your genuine Hannah Montana trash...we stole it ourselves and we'll sell it for cash.

OLIVER
I got toenail clippings and that's no hype, clone your own Hannah while the DNA is ripe.

OLIVER / RICO
I said, what, I said what, I said what, I said what, I said...fiki, fiki, fiki...word! Respect!

Oliver and Rico turn away to the counter, as Lily, Amber and Ashley are sitting at a table.

AMBER
I mean, where'd she find that outfit? Like, Ugly-R-Us?

LILY
More like, Ugly-R-Her. (laughter)

ASHLEY
We are so funny.

AMBER
(flicks hair back) And pretty.

LILY
I love us! (her watch beeps)

LILY, AMBER & ASHLEY
Time to hydrate. Ooo, tss.

Lily makes her way over to the counter, where Miley is sitting on a seat.

MILEY
Hi.

LILY
Yeah, whatever. (to person behind counter) Three bottled waters with lime, pronto!

MILEY
Anyway, I'm Miley, and I'm new here, and I was just wondering...do you want to be friends?

LILY
OK, first, "Miley" – stupid name. B, I've already got friends, and cuatro, why don't you go back to the trailer park, unhitch and drive away?

MILEY
No, no, no. I can't drive, but I do skateboard. Do you skateboard?

LILY
(laughs) As if! It's stupid, it's sweaty, and hello, who wants helmet hair?

MILEY
You do! You used to love helmet hair and scabby knees and elbow pad rash. Doesn't that sound like fun?

LILY
I took a pretty girls Karate Class! Whoa! (as Lily turns away, Miley jumps in front of her)

MILEY
What happened to you? You're not like this. How can you be friends with Amber and Ashley? Come on, Lily. You're better than that.

LILY
OK, how do you know my name? Oh wait, everybody knows my name because I'm popular.

MILEY
Well. Does everybody know that you have a birthmark shaped like a poodle on your butt?

LILY
(gasps) How do you know that!

MILEY
Because I'm your best friend. And I know somewhere, deep down inside of you, our friendship is still there. Come on, look at me. Really, really look at me. Come on Lily, don't you know me?

LILY
Oh, my gosh.

MILEY
Yes! I knew you'd be able to see the real me.

LILY
Of course I can! The blonde hair's coming out of the wig. You're Hannah Montana!

Lily pulls off the brown wig on Hannah's head to reveal Hannah Montana.

LILY
(shouts) Look, everybody! Hannah Montana's back and she knows what's on my butt! I can't believe I just said that out loud.

Oliver is over opposite her, with a camera.

OLIVER
Over here, Hannah! Smile. Come on baby, give me a little summthin' summthin'.

As crowds of fans surround her, Hannah runs away screaming.

***

Hannah's house – she enters through the back deck, where she overhears Candice sitting on the couch on the phone.

CANDICE
(on phone) You won't believe what he bought me. Marrying that dumb hillbilly was the smartest thing I ever did.

Hannah's jaw drops open in sadness and shock as to what she is hearing – as she turns away upstairs.

***

Hannah is hidden under her bedclothes – as Robby knocks on the door and enters with two mugs of his "Crazy Loco Hot Cocoa".

ROBBY
Hey darling. You OK? You've been up here for hours.

HANNAH
(uncovers herself) No! (covers herself up again)

ROBBY
Oh, boy. Back ways round. This may be more than my loco hot cocoa can cure.

As Robby approaches her bed with the mug, Hannah sits up.

HANNAH
You still make crazy loco hot cocoa?!

ROBBY
(sits on bed) Of course I do, why would you even ask a silly question like that? (hands Hannah mug)

HANNAH
Because, everything's wrong! Lily and Oliver aren't my friends anymore.

ROBBY
Who?

HANNAH
See! And...Jackson moved out.

ROBBY
No, no, no. That was his choice.

HANNAH
Yeah, but it wouldn't have been his choice if I wouldn't have made that stupid wish and changed everything.

ROBBY
What wish? Bud, you're starting to sound more loco than the cocoa.

HANNAH
(rises) Don't you 'bud' me. You're the one that married a blood-sucking leech that doesn't even love you. (she paces over to her desk)

ROBBY
Aha! So that's what this is all about. You know your stepmama warned me you might end up resenting her a little bit. She is so smart about teenage girls!

HANNAH
That's 'cause last year she was one.

ROBBY
Now, you hold on there young lady. I understand you being upset, but one thing that will never change is...(reaches for his mug) you, me and our loco hot cocoa.

As they knock their mugs against each other, Candice enters.

CANDICE
Oh, there you are! Hey, I was wondering...Oh, snap. Is that hot chocolate? Ewgh! Get it out, get it out, I'm horribly allergic, I get massive, massive headaches. (tempered) And you know what I am like when I get my headaches!

ROBBY
Totally. Adios, loco cocoa.

Robby takes Hannah's drink and exits.

HANNAH
Daddy, what about our special drink?

CANDICE
Just drink some tea. What's the big diff, whiny little baby? (calling after Robby) Robby! Candy needs a shopping spree to make her head feel better! (she runs out, closing the door after her)

Angry, Hannah storms over to her bed and throws a cushion over at a music box. A Hannah Montana dolls pops out singing, "The Best of One World".

HANNAH
Oh, shut it! (she exits through her door onto the balcony outside and sits) Miley, why did you ever make that stupid wish! I hate my life.

Jackson, still disguised as a hermit, is sitting up on the roof watching television.

JACKSON
I ain't so crazy about it, either.

HANNAH
(approaching him) Jackson, you came back!

JACKSON
Well, you're darn tooting.
Jackson jumps off the roof and joins Hannah.

JACKSON [CONT'D]
I may be a grumpy hermit, but I still need my reality TV. Now quiet! Chauntel's about ready to eat a bug. (turns away, Hannah stops him)

HANNAH
Jackson, Jackson. It's just us, you don't have to do the voice.

JACKSON
What voice? (resumes normal voice) Oh, right. Sometimes I forget.

HANNAH
Jackson, you know what. I don't even care about the voice, I'm just so happy you came back.

Hannah embraces him, he pushes her away.

HANNAH
Welcome home!

JACKSON
Didn't you hear me? I'm not staying!

HANNAH
But Jackson, you have to! I want at least some of my old life back. I mean, you and I weren't perfect. We fought, but we loved each other, and Dad loved us and there was no evil stepmom, and I had great friends. And it was all because the world didn't know I was Hannah Montana.

JACKSON
A world that didn't know you were Hannah Montana? Boy, I'd wish for that any day.

Hannah points out a shooting star overhead.

HANNAH
Oh, Angel! Angel! A shooting star, right when he wished! Come on, that's gotta' count for something! (pause) Please? Oh man, I'm stuck like this forever.

As Hannah reaches up for her hair, the blonde wig pulls off! She strokes her brown hair. Roxy, as the Angel appears behind her.

ROXY
Congratulations. (thunder crashes) What! She found a loophole! You have yourself a wonderful life, Miley.

Roxy clicks, and she and MILEY disappear. Miley reappears beside Lily, on her front porch, at the moment when they first saw the shooting star.

LILY
Look, a shooting star. I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?

MILEY
I don't wish for anything. I love my life exactly the way it is.

Miley hugs Lily – and Lily shrugs, before hugging her back.

***

Outside Rico's Shack – Rico is boxed into an open cardboard box. Jesse McCartney and Oliver un-box him, they are all beating and dressed in "bling-bling".

OLIVER / JESSE
Fiki, fiki, fresh!

OLIVER
Yeah, we're walking down the beach, 'cause we're mega, mega stars. We got girlies to spare, we got tricked out cars. We're the Malibu Crew and we got each other's back. I'm Ollie, that's Rico, now take it J-Mac!

JESSE
We got serious bling-bling, and baggy-waggy pants. So listen to us sing and watch the little guy dance!

Rico dances on the flat box.

JESSE / OLIVER
Go Rico, go Rico, go Rico!

Roxy, dressed as the Angel, appears.

ROXY
Peace out!

She clicks, and disappears again.

Hannah Montana, and all related entities © Walt Disney – no infringement intended.