2x20 - I Will Always Loathe You

Miley and Jackson are sitting at the kitchen table, anxiously holding their breath. Eventually, Jackson's face turns bright red and he gasps out.

MILEY
Loser!

JACKSON
How do you do that?

MILEY
Lungs of a singer, baby. Which means Mamaw sleeps in...(sing-song voice)...your room!

They start to walk over to the couch.

JACKSON
But this isn't fair! Why should I have to give up my room?

MILEY
Because, you've got the lungs of a "loser"!

JACKSON
(now seated) But she wouldn't even be coming here if it wasn't for your stupid award.

MILEY
An International Music Award is like winning an Oscar. If it was a stupid award, you'd win brains down. (sits down and slaps on the couch) Oh man, this is really gonna' mess up your back. Ha, ha!

Outside on the porch, Robby is walking up towards the front door carrying Mamaw Ruthie's bags, who follows closely behind.

MAMAW
Well, careful with that box, Robby Ray! (pause) That's got my fancy wig, I only air it out for parties and funerals.

ROBBY
Sorry, mom.

MAMAW
And I can't believe you had the music on so loud in the car. You didn't hear a word that I was saying.

ROBBY
(sarcastic) Really? What in the world was I thinking?

MAMAW
Well, you missed my whole story about that big old hairy mole that I had found on my...

Robby quickly turns for the door, cutting Mamaw off before she can finish.

ROBBY
Kids! (as they walk in) Say hello to your grandma, quick!

Jackson and Miley get up from their seats on the couch and go to hug Mamaw.

JACKSON / MILEY
Mamaw!

MAMAW
There they are. My handsome grandson and my beautiful granddaughter...the youngest person ever to win the International Music Awards Female Artist of the Year...(takes a deep breath)...by word, that is a mouthful! No wonder those award shows are always so long.

JACKSON
Hey, hey, you know what else is long? (starts walking towards the kitchen) The walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. Miley's is right next door...and, it has a view of the ocean. You see dolphins in the morning! (does a lame impression of a dolphin)

MILEY
Would you give it a rest? She's in your room.

Mamaw goes over to the kitchen table, and Miley follows her.

MILEY
Mamaw, Sunday is gonna' be perfect. I am getting an award I've always dreamed of, daddy's presenting it to me, and now everyone I love is here. You (under her breath), Aunt Dolly...

MAMAW
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Back this tractor-trailer up. You mean to tell me that bottle-blonde, shrink-wrapped, five pounds of baloney in a three-pound bag...

ROBBY
Now, momma, I know you don't like her, but...

MAMAW
Son, it is not just her butt I don't like. It's her head, her toes, and everything in between.

MILEY
Mamaw, this is the biggest award of my life. Can't you guys just get along for one weekend, please, Mamaw?

MAMAW
Oh, sweetie, I guess for your sake I can look the other way, and I do mean the other way, I don't even want to see that woman.
JACKSON
That might be kind of hard.

MAMAW
Why, we don't have to pick her up at her hotel, do we? Can't she just hitch a ride on one of her flying monkeys?

MILEY
We don't have to pick her up, Mamaw...(under her breath)...'cause she's staying here.

MAMAW
Award-winning granddaughter say what?

Aunt Dolly comes into the kitchen from upstairs.

AUNT DOLLY
Hey! (pause) I can see dolphins from my guest room!

MAMAW
Well, shoot, that's nothing, there's a snot-green blowfish right here in the living room.

AUNT DOLLY
Now, Ruthie, if you're gonna' be mean, (taps her behind), talk to the booty, 'cause the hands off duty.

MAMAW
Well, I would love to, but that booty has been nipped and tucked so many times I just can't hardly find it.

AUNT DOLLY
Well, I ain't having no problem finding yours.

Miley steps in between them and puts her hand around both of their shoulders.

MILEY
Family! So glad to have you here.

Robby walks over and puts his hands around them as well.

ROBBY
Good times, good times...yeah...

***

OPENING CREDITS

***

Miley and Lilly are sitting at the Stewarts' kitchen table, doing their nails.


LILLY
So this whole feud started over a boy?

MILEY
Yep. It was high school. Mamaw was having a summer romance, and then Aunt Dolly bounced in and...well, that was pretty much all she had to do. Mamaw never forgave Dolly for stealing the love of her life, Mr Elvis Presley.

LILLY
No!

MILEY
Yes!

LILLY
No!

MILEY
Yes!

LILLY
No!

Jackson is slumped over on the couch, with a blanket thrown over him.

JACKSON
Yes!! Yes! Yes! Elvis, Elvis with the pelvis and the hair, and the "hunk, a hunk of burning love". Guys, I haven't slept all night, and my back is killing me, so, please, for the love of all that is pure and good in this forsaken universe, zip it!

Mamaw comes from upstairs.

MAMAW
Good morning, everybody! (walking over to the couch) Well, Jackson, you lazy bones, get your rump out of bed!

She pulls the blanket off and he rolls onto the floor.

JACKSON
Well, what do you know? Floor's more comfortable than the couch.

He gets in a comfortable position as Mamaw walks on to the kitchen.

LILLY
Morning, Mamaw Stewart.

MAMAW
Hey, Lilly, you cutie-poototie. It's too bad Dolly isn't here to see what a real blonde looks like.


MILEY
Mamaw...

MAMAW
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll chillax...(on Miley and Lilly's look) What, I'm Hannah Montana's grandma, I gotta' keep up on the teen scene so I can be fricky-ficky fresh.

MILEY
(as Mamaw walks away) OK, now that it is just wicky-wicky weird. Hey Mamaw, will you come here, look at my nails. What should I do for the awards show? Aargh, sparky...or non-sparkly...?

MAMAW
I think non-sparkly, sparkly just...kind of feels trampy.

Aunt Dolly comes walking in through the front door, holding up her hands.

AUNT DOLLY
Hey, look at my sparkly nails! Just had them done for the awards show.

MAMAW
Exhibit A.

MILEY
Come on, Mamaw. (walks over to Mamaw) Now, you promised you'd be nice. Aunt Dolly's being nice.

AUNT DOLLY
Well, of course, I'm always nice. At least that's what the KING used to tell me.

Mamaw and Miley walk back over to the kitchen table with Aunt Dolly and Lilly.

MAMAW
You know, I gave Elvis that nickname. We always used to play checkers, and he would be like, "King me, baby, argh-huh", so I started calling him the King. True story.

AUNT DOLLY
Now, Ruthie, there's no need to get your granny-panties in a twist.

MAMAW
Why don't you come on over here, I'll give yours a twist!

LILLY
(to Miley) Your family's better than cable.

AUNT DOLLY
Pull your claws in, Miss Kitty, I'm just here to celebrate my goddaughter's big night.
MAMAW
(walking to Miley's side) And I am just here to celebrate my granddaughter's big night. That is my granddaughter, my kinfolk, a blood relation. Now, I'm just gonna' run and get my purse, then I'm gonna' take you to find something beautiful to wear for your awards show. (runs upstairs)

AUNT DOLLY
Oh, how sweet...(to Miley, as Mamaw has gone) Don't worry, darlin', I'll take you shopping later and I'll buy you something you'll actually want to be seen in.

***

Oliver is filming Rico's public access commercial. Rico is standing behind the counter with a huge grin printed on his face.

OLIVER (V/O from behind camera)
Rico's public access commercial, take one. And, action.

Suddenly, Rico's enthusiastic smile turns to a nervous, worried frown.

RICO
(nervously) Hey-o...my name is Rico...and this is Rico's. Do you like hot dogs? We've got hot dogs. Do you like...

OLIVER
Cut! Cut!

RICO
OK, maybe I was a little nervous. It was my first take. I'll loosen up. Just give me a minute. (turning away) Hey-o, I'm Rico! Hey-o, I'm Rico! (Oliver looks around; as he turns back to the camera) OK, I'm good.

OLIVER
Rico's public access commercial, take two. And, action...

Again, Rico's face turns from a smile to a nervous frown. He speaks with the same fret in his tone.

RICO
(nervously) Hey-o, my name is Rico, and we...

OLIVER
Cut! Cut!

RICO
(covers his face and punches the counter) Stupid, stupid!


OLIVER
No, you're not stupid. (pause) You just can't act.

***

Oliver and Rico are sitting at a table on the beach.

OLIVER
Face it, Rico. We need a better Rico.

RICO
(after a pause) Fine...who's first?

A line of young boys similar in looks to Rico, start swinging their arms.

ACTOR RICO'S
Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o!

***

Lilly and Miley are in Hannah Montana's wardrobe. Miley is wearing a green, sparkly dress. Lilly has her eyes closed.

MILEY
OK, open your eyes.

LILLY
(opening her eyes) Wow, your Mamaw has better taste than I thought.

MILEY
Aunt Dolly bought me this. Mamaw bought me this...

Miley reaches down and places a large, purple top hat on her head, giving Lilly a short grin.

LILLY
Ya'ow...

MILEY
Wait for it...

Miley claps her hands together, the hat pings and some lights turn on.

LILLY
Ya'ow with lights!

Miley claps her hands again, and the lights, with a ping, turn off.

MILEY
I thought having both of them here would make this night perfect, but now I just can't wait for it to be over, what am I gonna' do?
LILLY
Well, too bad you can't just put them in front of a mirror and show them how ridiculous they look.

MILEY
Wait a minute...(the lights on the hat ping on)...I got an idea.

LILLY
(pointing at the hat) OK, that was weird.

***

Down in the kitchen, Robby is playing a game of battleships against Mamaw.

ROBBY
E-seven.

MAMAW
Miss. Again.

Aunt Dolly starts approaching from behind, looking at Mamaw's board.

MAMAW
A-two.

ROBBY
Hit...again. Dang it woman, I'm your son, doesn't that account for anything?

MAMAW
(cheekily) No.

AUNT DOLLY
Excuse me, I'm argh...a little hungry, but I was just wondering if I should have this apple BEFORE lunch?

ROBBY
(after a short pause) B-four?

MAMAW
Hit...A-three?

ROBBY
Miss.

AUNT DOLLY
Excuse me, could you tell me where I might found a napkin, 'cause I don't SEE ONE.

MAMAW
(standing to Aunt Dolly) All right, I will tell you what I see. The woman who put the old in the Grand Ole Opry. You sank my submarine.
AUNT DOLLY
He did that.

MAMAW
Oh, crying out loud, he couldn't beat me at tiddlywinks.

ROBBY
Let that live forever!

From upstairs, they hear Lilly and Miley arguing...

LILLY (V/O)
Don't you walk away from me, you shrink-wrapped, rhinestone, hillbilly!

Lilly and Miley walk into view from downstairs, Miley dressed as a look-alike Aunt Dolly, and Lilly as Mamaw.

MILEY
Let it go, you sour old prune! You are just mad 'cause Elvis chose me.

LILLY
(they start for the kitchen) He didn't choose you, you stole him, you big-haired, two-timing, yackity-yodeller!

MILEY
Well, I'd rather have big hair than a double-wide backside.

LILLY
Well, at least I don't have a triple-wide ego and a mouth to match.

Jackson, disguised as Elvis Presley, comes walking down from upstairs.

JACKSON
Ladies, please. You're all shook up. Don't be cruel. You gotta' take all that anger and return to sender, baby.

MILEY
Elvis, didn't you love me the most?

JACKSON
Well pretty mammas, when it comes down to it I would've traded you both for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

MILEY
So, you mean to tell me we've been fighting all these years for nothing?

JACKSON
A-ha-ha.

LILLY
And forgetting that we both married wonderful men?
JACKSON
A-ha.

MILEY
And we should just stop arguing and celebrate Miley's big night?

JACKSON
A-yeah.

ROBBY
I believe it's your turn now ladies.

AUNT DOLLY
(to Mamaw) Well, don't that beat all?

MAMAW
Well, don't I feel foolish. How come I never thought of "yackity-yodeller", that one's a keeper!

AUNT DOLLY
I'm gonna' do you a favour. I'm gonna' pretend like I didn't hear that.

MAMAW
Oh, kind of like you've been pretending for the past thirty years that that's your real hair?

AUNT DOLLY
You wanna' dance, Mamaw? Well bring on the music!

MAMAW
Bring it on, blondie!

AUNT DOLLY
You, just...

Mamaw extends her leg up to attack in on Aunt Dolly, but Miley steps in between it all.

MILEY
OK, stop it! I love you both...but I guess you don't love me enough to stop this. And if this is how you're gonna' act, I don't want either of you guys there tonight. (walks off; and turns back) In fact, why don't you both just...just go home!

Miley runs off upstairs, and Jackson and Lilly follow after her.

***

Miley, still half-dressed as Aunt Dolly, is upstairs in Hannah Montana's closet. She throws the dress from Aunt Dolly on a seat. Mamaw and Aunt Dolly walk in.

MAMAWSweetie, could we talk to you for just a minute?

MILEY
Why?

AUNT DOLLY
Well because, you really are important to us, angel. And, if you'll let us come to the awards show, we promise to behave.

MAMAW
We really will.

MILEY
Why should I believe anything ya'll say?

AUNT DOLLY
Well, we'll prove it to you. Ruthie, does this outfit make me look trampy?

MAMAW
(struggling to get out the wording) N...no, not at all. Wait a minute, I can do better than that.

MILEY
Mamaw, it's OK. You're trying. That is all I've ever wanted.

AUNT DOLLY
So we can come?

MAMAW
It would mean the world to us.

MILEY
Fine...but I'm picking out my own outfit.

AUNT DOLLY / MAMAW
But...! ...OK.

***

Outside on the beach, Rico and Oliver are watching a look-alike of Rico, saying the lines for the ad. Unlike the real Rico, he is confident, and has a deep, manly voice.

ACTOR #1
Hey-o, my name is Rico, and this is Rico's! Do you like hot dogs? Well we've got the best hot dogs in town.

OLIVER
Perfect! He's great.

RICO
I'm not feeling it.

Rico goes and stands behind the actor, both of them put their hands on their hips.

RICO
He doesn't have the right look.

OLIVER
Are you kidding? He could be your brother.

ACTOR #1
I am his brother!

***

Now in front of the camera stands a guy in his 20's, musclier and attractive, pointing.

RICO
Now that's a Rico.

OLIVER
In what world?

RICO
Let's just see what he's got. (to the actor) Whenever you're ready, beautiful...it's like looking in a mirror.

Rico steps aside, pulling up his sleeves...Oliver gives a bizarre look, as he indicates for the actor to start saying the line. However, despite his manly appearance, he has a squeaky, low voice...

ACTOR #2
Hey-o, my name's Rico...

RICO
OK...I know how to fix this.

***

Rico and Oliver are sitting at a table on the beach watching a playback of the commercial. The second actor is on the video, but we hear Rico's voice in his place.

RICO (V/O)
I'm Rico, and I'll be waiting for you. Hey-o!

Behind them, a group of girls are watching the commercial and are overwhelmed by the handsomeness of the actor...they give a sigh.

OLIVER
I am ashamed to be a part of this.

RICO
Nothing sells hot dogs like some sweet relish!
Rico winks at the girls.

***

Backstage at the awards night – Hannah, Robby, Aunt Dolly and Mamaw are all gathered around.

HANNAH
OK daddy, now remember, when you introduce me, it is not about you. You get on, and get right back off.

ROBBY
Just for that, I'm gonna' tell them how you used to put that diaper on your head and run around the house. Captain Diaperhead! They're gonna' love that.

HANNAH
That is exactly why I bought pictures of you in your chubby years.

ROBBY
Fine! Captain Diaperhead triumphs again...

Robby heads for the stage.

ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Now presenting the award for Female Artist of the year, award winning singer and songwriter, Robby Ray!

An applause from the audience is heard.

HANNAH
Hey, you guys might want to go take your seats now.

AUNT DOLLY
No, I'm fine right here, I wanna' be the first one to hug you when you come off that stage.

MAMAW
Well I wanted to be the only one wearing pink, too, so it looks like we're both going to be disappointed.

AUNT DOLLY
(on Hannah's look) Well, we'll hug her together.

MAMAW
What a nice idea.

Hannah pats Mamaw on the shoulder.

HANNAH
I'm watching you...

***

On stage.
ROBBY
Fifteen years ago, I was lucky enough to win Artist of the Year, and tonight it is my honour to present this to my own daughter. Ladies and gentleman give it up for Miss Hannah Montana!

The spotlight shines on Hannah as she walks on, giving Robby a hug as she takes the award.

HANNAH
Thanks, daddy...(taking the microphone)...I couldn't have asked for a better introduction. I have to say that, he's my ride home.

***

Backstage, Mamaw and Aunt Dolly are watching Hannah via the TV screen.

MAMAW
You know, that girl has such a wonderful sense of humour. She got that from my side of the family.

AUNT DOLLY
Oh, really? I always thought she learned how to get a chuckle out of an audience from watching me on stage.

As Aunt Dolly turns away, Mamaw starts mocking her.

MAMAW
(mocking tone) From watching me on stage, me, me, me, me!

***

Cuts back to the stage.

HANNAH
This is such an incredible honour, and getting it from my dad makes it all the more special.

The audience gives her another round of applause.

***

Cuts backstage, things are beginning to get nasty between Mamaw and Aunt Dolly...

MAMAW
You know actually, I never really thought you were all that funny.

AUNT DOLLY
Well, Elvis thought I had a wonderful comic mind.


MAMAW
Oh, I know what Elvis was thinking about and honey, trust me, it had nothing to do with your mind!

AUNT DOLLY
You take that back.

MAMAW
You make me.

Mamaw has cornered Aunt Dolly against the lighting box, and she accidently hits her hand on a switch which makes the shadow of them visible on stage behind Hannah...

HANNAH
And what makes this night perfect is I can share it with the two women who've inspired me, with their character, strength and of course...

All this has been said by Hannah while we can see the shadow of Aunt Dolly and Mamaw fighting in the background screen.

MAMAW (V/O)
Man stealer!

AUNT DOLLY (V/O)
Sore loser!

HANNAH
...their class...

Hannah and Robby share a look, as Robby turns to go backstage and sort it all out...

HANNAH
I can always count on these two very special ladies to STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING, when I need them.

We see that Robby's figure gets kicked away abruptly. Hannah looks back with fright.

HANNAH
Oh, oh, I remember when...when I got my first review. They both CUT IT OUT and sent it to me. (starting for the back of the stage) They sent me so many clippings, I finally just had to say...(screaming at the screen)...ENOUGH ALREADY!! (walks to the microphone) I'll be right back...

Hannah smiles, as she walks backstage.

***

In the Stewarts' living room, Lilly walks in with some popcorn. Jackson is on the couch.
LILLY
Jackson, I leave the room for two minutes and you put on wrestling. Flip back to the awards show. (sits down)

JACKSON
This is the awards show.

LILLY
(watching the TV) Oh...that's gonna' leave a mark...

***

On the stage, we watch the reflection of Hannah run over to the wrestling pair of Mamaw and Aunt Dolly.

HANNAH
You guys promised! (a brief cut back to Jackson and Lilly; Hannah jumps in between the two of them and pulls off both of their wigs)...enough!

The reflections of Aunt Dolly and Mamaw run away screaming, Hannah holding up the wigs. Cuts back to Lilly and Jackson, eyes glued on the TV screen, feasting on popcorn.

LILLY
Wow...your family really is better than cable.

***

Hannah runs back on stage, her hair a mess, as she takes the microphone.

HANNAH
Once again, I would just like to thank you so much for this award. (holds up Aunt Dolly's wig) I mean, this award...(holds up Mamaw's wig in her other hand)...oh, sweet niblets! I hope you two are happy! (pause) Goodnight, everybody!

Hannah runs off stage as the audience applaud her once more.

***

Later on, Hannah rushes into the house, followed by Mamaw and Aunt Dolly.

AUNT DOLLY
Miley, slow down, I think I broke a heel!

MAMAW
Yeah, well I think I broke a hip.

HANNAH
Will you two stop it? You turned one of the best nights of my life into some...some kind of granny smackdown.
MAMAW
Oh, Miley, sweetie...how many times do we have to say we're sorry?

HANNAH
You can say you're sorry a million times, but I will never forgive you. (pause) I learned that from the best.

Mamaw and Aunt Dolly look embarrassed, as Hannah runs upstairs.

***

Hannah is in her closet, holding her award, as Robby enters.

ROBBY
Mile?

HANNAH
Great night, huh? (waves her trophy unenthusiastically) Wa-hoo...

Robby and Hannah sit down on the steps leading towards the clothing caracal.

ROBBY
Hey, listen, darlin'.

HANNAH
Dad, don't ask me to go out there and forgive them, 'cause I won't.

ROBBY
I don't blame you. I think those women actually dislocated my shoulder. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to them again.

HANNAH
Good...'cause I'm not.

ROBBY
Good for you. Why should you treat them any different than they treat each other?

HANNAH
Where are you going with this?

ROBBY
(stands) Well, wherever your heart tells me I'm going. Think about it. (walks out)

HANNAH
(as Robby has gone) I hate when he goes all fortune cookie on me.

***

Mamaw and Aunt Dolly are sitting on the couch. Robby is at the door, beside their luggage.

ROBBY
I'll put your luggage in the car. (picks up a bag) Oh, gee, I wonder what's wrong with my shoulder...oh, that's right, I was body-slammed into the stage door!

He takes some bags and heads out.

AUNT DOLLY
(calling after him) Sorry about that.

MAMAW
(calling after him) My bad, sweetie. (looks upstairs; pause) Well, I guess she's not coming down.

AUNT DOLLY
I don't blame her.

The two of them stand with their bags and head for the door, but before they can leave Miley calls after them.

MILEY
Hey! Don't go yet. (approaching them) I'm still incredibly mad at you.

MAMAW
I don't blame you, sweetie.

MAMAW
Me neither.

MILEY
But...that doesn't mean I'll never forgive you. Because if I don't, I lose you, and I've seen what that looks like. So, ya'll can go on hating each other, but...I'll never hate you. I don't think the two most important women in my life would want me to act that way.

Miley gives each of them a hug.

MAMAW
(to Aunt Dolly) She's a pretty remarkable girl, isn't she?

AUNT DOLLY
Yes she is, and smart too.

MAMAW
You know, I am kind of tired of acting this way.

AUNT DOLLY
So am I. Hating burns up a lot of energy.
MAMAW
Thirty years worth. What do you say we start trying to be nice to each other again?

AUNT DOLLY
Well, I'd like that.

Aunt Dolly and Mamaw, from their sides, embrace Miley, who gets squished from impact.

MILEY
Oh, hello...squishing the pop star.

AUNT DOLLY
(as she and Mamaw release) Oh, sorry...

MILEY
I didn't say I didn't like it.

AUNT DOLLY
Oh!

Mamaw and Aunt Dolly hug her again from each side. Aunt Dolly playfully hits Mamaw with her purse.

***

Miley, Aunt Dolly, Mamaw and Robby are sitting on the couch. Robby has his guitar.

MILEY (singing)
# You're a true friend.

Aunt Dolly joins in, Mamaw starts hitting a book with a pencil to keep the beat.

MILEY / AUNT DOLLY (singing)
# You're here 'til the end. You pull me aside when something ain't right (Mamaw starts humming), talk with me now, and into the night, no need to pretend. You're a true friend.

Each of them express happiness by cheering or by a similar mean.

***

Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.

2x23 - The Way We Almost Weren't

Hannah Montana, is on stage in Albekirki, New Mexico, performing Old Blue Jeans...

***

Hannah is stepping up into her tour bus, being slaughtered by fans. Jackson is inside and Robby walks in with her.

HANNAH

Thank you, thank you! (turns to Robby) Where are we?

ROBBY

Albekirki.

HANNAH

Albekirki! My favorite city, and my favorite state...

JACKSON

Gwarm...

HANNAH

(not knowing what she is saying) Gwarm!

FANS

(indistinctly) Huh?

Hannah turns to Jackson and screws up her face. Jackson shrugs his shoulders.

HANNAH

(half joking) I hate you. (turning to fans) I love you all, toodles! (the door closes; she speaks into the intercom) Get us out of here, Larry!

Hannah pushes Jackson onto the seat as she goes past.

***

At night, on the tour bus. Miley is brushing her teeth at the sink, Robby is reading the map and Jackson is trying to scoop up some leftover jelly off the table (the car is wobbly).

MILEY

One of the things I love about this bus. It brushes for you. (misses the sink when she spits) But it could use a bigger sink. (answers her phone) Hey, Lilly. (sits down beside Jackson) Yeah, we just left the show in Albekirki. Yes in New Mexico, where else would it be! (looks at Jackson) ...gwarm? (pause) What? Shut up! No, you shut up. (to Robby) Oh my gosh, dad. Lilly's got extra tickets to Maroon 5 tomorrow night. We've gotta get home!

ROBBY

Oh no, but I was kinda' hoping we could take the scenic route, maybe stop and see a couple historical...

JACKSON / MILEY

(whining) Come on!

MILEY

Daddy! Not another rock where Louis and Clark took a "tinkle break".

ROBBY

When I said they were marking their territory, I meant surveying.

JACKSON

Dad, call it whatever you want, it's boring. Can we please just go home?

MILEY

Yeah, please, please, please, PLEASE! (to phone) Help me out, Lilly. (holds the phone to Robby's ear, we hear Lilly indistinctly in the background) Please, please, please, PLEASE! Twenty one hours of that, daddy. In Lilly-Miley surround sound.

ROBBY

(standing) What do you want to do, Miley? Just race your way through life never taking time to stop along the way and smell the roses? (pause) Maybe miss some wonderful surprise that's right in front of you that could change you forever?

MILEY

(pause) Yep, that's pretty much the plan! (Robby flicks his hand and walks off, Miley takes his place on the couch) Lilly, save me a ticket, I'm on my way home.

Over at the table, Jackson has managed to balance the jelly on his palm - but as they come to a bump in the ride, the jelly goes flying onto Miley's head.

MILEY

Lilly, I gotta' go. Apparently, dessert's on me tonight! (Jackson reaches and eats it from her head) Ewgh!

***

The next morning, Miley and Jackson are at the sink doing their morning ablutions. As the bus comes to a halt, Miley is knocked and accidently spreads her lipstick over her chin.

JACKSON

(chuckles) Whoa, back up Larry, she missed a spot!

Miley puts some lipstick across Jackson's face.

MILEY

That's alright, Larry! I got it.

Robby comes out from behind with his coat.

ROBBY

Son, you might want to go easy on the make up, we're not in Los Angeles yet.

MILEY

Then why are we stopping?

ROBBY

Because we're at a historical landmark! (Jackson and Miley whine with aggravation) Look, it's raining outside, I'm hungry, and besides, this diner comes with one heck of a good story. And, you made me drive right past the world's largest rubber band ball! You owe me.

MILEY

Fine - I know where you can find the world's largest pile of dirty socks. Jackson's room! Let's drive.

JACKSON

And if you're good, I'll let you ride down the underwear mountain. (he and Miley mime a mountain ride)

ROBBY

Now I don't want to hear it. We're gonna' stop and smell the dang roses, and you're 'gonna like it! So clean up your faces, get off this bus and start sniffing!

Robby starts to walk out, as Miley and Jackson turn in the opposite direction stomping their feet and whining.

MILEY

(whiny) Oh, daddy!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

In the cafe, Jackson, Robby and Miley are sitting at a table opposite each other. The kids make it clear through their facial expression that they do not want to be there.

ROBBY

Relax. We won't be here more than a half-hour tops.

They look over and watch the elderly woman waiter struggling to make her way over to the table with her notepad.

JACKSON

Dad, it's 'gonna take her a half-hour just to get here.

MILEY

Um, excuse me, we're ready to order.

LORETTA

Oh, forgot my pen, be back in a jiff.

She turns to walk away, and Miley sighs.

***

Robby is eating into his burger.

ROBBY

You just can't find an old-fashioned hamburger like this out on the main highway. Makes you want to savor every bight.

But Miley is hurriedly picking up the french fries from her plate.

MILEY

Yeah, sure...eating, savoring, done. Let's go. (goes for the door)

ROBBY

Oh, now come on Miley, slow down. Even your brother's getting into the spirit of this place.

JACKSON

Wa-who! Prospector Pete found his way through the maze to the gold! (places the page on top of a pile) Again.

ROBBY

Now, about that story...twenty years ago, I walked into this very place and had an experience that changed my life.

MILEY

Let me guess, daddy. You saw your first mullet (ruffles Robby's hair) and knew that was the do for you. (Robby strokes out his hair) What a great story, I'm wellin' up...let's go.

ROBBY

You know what, if you don't want to hear the story that I'm not gonna' tell it.

JACKSON

Oh, you showed us! Let's go. (joins Miley)

ROBBY

OK, if you two are in such a dang fire hurry, then just go out on the bus and wait. I'm gonna' sit here and enjoy my delicious burger, and think of the memories of a wonderful story that you two will never know. (pause; calls over to the counter) Excuse me, ma'am, may I have another cup of your delicious coffee?

LORETTA

Oh, you're in luck. I'm brewing a fresh pot. (spoons in the coffee powder slowly) One...two...(beeping)...oohh, time for my break. (bends her head, closes her eyes and starts snoring)

By now, Miley and Jackson are standing by the counter. Miley leans in at Loretta.

MILEY

Brriingg!

LORETTA

(goes back to slowly spooning in the coffee powder) ...three...four...

Miley and Jackson turn for the door, shooting Robby an annoyed look as they walk past.

MILEY

I hope you're happy.

ROBBY

(with the hamburger in his mouth) I am!

Jackson and Miley walk out.

***

Outside Rico's, on the beach, Oliver is gluing together some chairs as Lilly approaches.

LILLY

Hey, Oliver. Here's your ticket for Maroon 5 tonight...(goes to hand it to him, then pulls back)...where's my fifty bucks?

OLIVER

You'll get it. Right after Rico pays me for fixing these chairs. Little genius was 'gonna pay a professional for a hundred bucks, I did it for half, and all it took was like, five minutes and some monster glue. (he has sat down on one of the glued chairs) Ah. Who's the genius now?

Oliver goes to stand up, and finds that he is glued to the chair.

LILLY

(laughs) Looks like it's still Rico.

OLIVER

Would you just give me a hand?

Cheekily, Lilly applauds him.

LILLY

I always wanted to do that.

OLIVER

Now would you just help me out of this thing?

Lilly goes to tug him out, but she ends up falling on the chair opposite...

OLIVER

Oh-oh...

LILLY

You fixed this one too, didn't you.

OLIVER

It's solid, isn't it.

LILLY

Come here, come here.

OLIVER

(starts backing away) No.

LILLY

No, I'm not gonna' hurt you!

OLIVER

That's what you always say before you hurt me!

LILLY

Get over here!

Attached to their chairs, Lilly chases Oliver away...

***

A little while later, Lilly and Oliver walk back onto the scene now with both of their chairs attached together at the back.

OLIVER

OK, this part...this was not my fault.

LILLY

(spins her end up a little) Aargh, that's OK...what's in front of you right now?

OLIVER

A post...

LILLY

Oh, good!

Lilly pushes Oliver into the post.

***

Miley is looking at her reflection in the mirror as she brushes her hair.

MILEY

He said half an hour and he's still not back! This can only mean one thing. That mirange-loving hillbilly ordered a second piece of pie. I am not 'gonna miss Maroon 5. Come on Jackson, let's go.

Miley hits a button and Jackson comes sliding out of the door, on a board playing a virtual-down hill game.

JACKSON

You go, I'm about ready to break my downhill record!

MILEY

You're about to break something alright.

Miley hits the button which makes the board go faster...

JACKSON

No, no...wait, it's too fast! No, no, no...too fast!! (he falls back onto the couch) Awesome! I 'gotta do that again!

Miley closes the game in.

MILEY

Sorry buddy, slopes are closed, let's go. And this time, I'm taking off the gloves. (sits down; acting) Daddy...I want to go home...(whimpers; resumes normality) Yep, that orta' get it done, let's go.

As Miley opens the door, a long gust of wind blows and Miley is struck down back into the bus - by lightning! Jackson runs to her side and starts shaking her awake.

JACKSON

Miley? Miley? Miley! Are you okay?

MILEY

(sits up) Next time, you're going first.

***

Miley and Jackson walk into the Hot Spot cafe.

MILEY

That's weird...what happened to the storm?

JACKSON

(as they look around) What happened to this place?

A young Loretta walks past carrying a plate.

LORETTA

Alrightie, hot stuff coming through, and I'm not talking about the food, sweet-cakes.

MILEY

What happened to her? Where's daddy?

JACKSON

I 'dunno, let's ask mom...(sudden realization of what he has just said...)

They look over and see that their young mom, over by the counter rocking out to her headphones. Loretta walks over to their mom.

LORETTA

Shake you tail, college girl, your got tables.

MOM

Whatever, Loretta! (walks on past them)

MILEY

Oh, come on, there is no way that's mom. That's...that's just a girl who looks exactly like mom when she was in college.

JACKSON

(looks over at the calendar) 1987!

MILEY

I don't know the exact year.

JACKSON

(walking over to the calendar) I do! 1987! June 2nd, to be exact.

MILEY

Brother in a time warp say what?

JACKSON

The...the....the lightning! It must have zapped us back in time somehow.

MILEY

That's crazy. And I am going to prove it to you. (walks over to her mom) Excuse me, ma'am. I'm taking a little survey, if you had a daughter, what would you name her?

MOM

Miley.

MILEY

Thank you...(walks away with Jackson)...we're in trouble.

JACKSON

I know...whoaw, look at her!

MILEY

I know, she's beautiful.

JACKSON

Our mom was totally hot!

Their younger father, Robby, with his mullet, enters the cafe.

MILEY

And our dad was totally not!

JACKSON

Quick, hide!

MILEY

(as Robby walks by) Jackson! Hello, no reason to hide, we're not born yet.

JACKSON

Right...force of habit.

ROBBY

(at the counter) Excuse me, ma'am.

LORETTA

Sorry, hon, be right back. (turns away)

ROBBY

Oh, man...

MILEY

Oh, my gosh. Jackson, this is the story he wanted to tell us! The thing that changed his life. It was mom. We're actually going to see the moment they met.

They watch in eagerness, as their mom walks past Robby with her headphones in, rocking out.

ROBBY

Aargh, excuse me, miss...(Miley and Jacksons' mom doesn't listen)...I'm like totally lost and kinda' in a hurry, which way back to highway ten?

Mom mutters some singing and dances away, unknowing to the question Robby has just asked her. Miley and Jackson share a glare.

LORETTA

Left at the traffic light, can't miss it, hunky boy.

ROBBY

Wicked cool, foxy mama. (walks out)

MILEY

W...w...w...wait, where's he going?

JACKSON

(panicky) OK...don't panic. He's gotta' come back, right. I mean, obviously they met, or we wouldn't even be here.

Jackson holds up his right hand and a hole is visible through the middle of his palm.

MILEY

Aarghh...Jackson...

Jackson flinches when he sees the hole in the middle of his palm. He squints his head to look through it, and then hides it.

JACKSON

OK, now we can panic!

***

Jackson is sitting a table in the café, covering his hands, as Loretta walks over with the pot of coffee.

LORETTA
Coffee?

JACKSON
Argh, yeah. Non-fat vanilla decaf half cap-cup with just a dollop of foam.

LORETTA
(confused) Coffee?

JACKSON
Yes, please.

Loretta pours his mug full.

LORETTA
There you go.

JACKSON
Thank you.

Loretta walks off. As Jackson reaches for his mug he finds that his left hand now has a hole in the middle of his palm as well!

JACKSON
No, don't, don't, don't! (hides his hand again) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Miley comes running in and sits beside Jackson.

MILEY
Dad's not going anywhere for a while.

JACKSON
How do you know?

MILEY
While he was on the pay phone...(puts a distributor cap on the table)...I pulled that out of his car. I don't know what it is...

ROBBY
(standing at the door) Somebody stole my distributor cap!

MILEY
(hiding the distributor cap) ...but I'm guessing it's a distributor cap.

ROBBY
(sitting down at the counter) Frost my applesauce. I've still got two days of driving to get back to Nashville, and now I gotta' sit here and waste time waiting on a mechanic.

MILEY
(to Jackson) Are you OK? Did anything else disappear?




JACKSON
Well, argh...let's just put it this way. If I want to drink my coffee, I have to do it like this - (sips his tongue on the coffee like a cat with milk) Why isn't anything happening to you?

MILEY
I don't know...you're the oldest. First in...first out.

JACKSON
Well, then, we've got to get them together before I totally disappear!

MILEY
Jackson, relax. They're only a few feet away.

ROBBY
(looking at menu) Could I get some coffee please?

MILEY
Here it comes!

Mom is talking on the phone, as she goes to pour some coffee for Robby, but Loretta gets in first.

LORETTA
Sure thing, sugar.

MILEY
...and there it goes!

MOM
(on phone) I am out of here in like twenty minutes, and then we can totally hit that party! Awesome! (hangs up)

JACKSON
How are they going to fall in love? They won't even look at each other!

MILEY
Jackson, that's it! Any time dad talks about meeting mom, he always says that they fell in love the minute they looked into each other's eyes. So all we've got to do is get them to slow down, and take the time to look at each other, oh boy...

Miley is looking up at the hole which is now through the middle of Jackson's head!

JACKSON
What? (pause) Is there a draft in here?

MILEY
(looking through hole) I was right. There is no brain in there!

***

Lilly and Oliver, attached back to back on their seats, make their way through the front door into the Stewart's house.

LILLY
You are so lucky I'm watering their plants!

OLIVER
Oh, yeah, that's me. Mr Lucky. (pause) Now can we just get the nail polish remover and pray it works? I really don't want to face the guy at the hardware store who told me to be careful with the monster glue.

LILLY
OK, the nail polish remover is in Miley's bathroom.

Lilly in the front, they start to trot up the stairs.

OLIVER
Why do you get to be in the front?

LILLY
Well, 'cause I'm a girl, and you, me and the guy at the hardware store agree that you're an idiot!

Lilly grunts. Oliver bumps into the wall.

LILLY
OK, careful on the stairs!

OLIVER
OK, alright...

LILLY
Steady, steady...

As they turn the corner for the stairs, we hear Oliver sneeze...unattached to each other's chairs, they come falling down abruptly from the stair case.

OLIVER
(after a moment) What, you're not 'gonna say bless you?

LILLY
(gives him a dark look) I'm not feeling it!

OLIVER
OK...

***

At the café, Miley is sitting at the counter saying her order to Mom.

MILEY
So, I would like eggs, a glass of orange juice, you to look lovingly into that mans' eyes, and a side of bacon. (Robby is sitting over a table)

MOM
Listen kid, I am twenty minutes away from a radical party, so don't harsh my mood with your 'tude. Now where's your momma?

MILEY
Closer than you think...

Jackson, wearing a fold to cover the hole in his head, approaches Robby at the front booth.
JACKSON
Hey, dude. Love the mullet.

ROBBY
Hey, dude. Go away!

JACKSON
Did you check out that waitress? She's a babe! And I'm pretty sure she's single!

ROBBY
Listen, kid, I'm kind of working here. "Don't break my heart, my itchy-twitchy heart..." No…"my herky-jerky heart".

JACKSON
You might want to try "achy-breaky".

ROBBY
And you might want to try shopping at a men's store. Achy breaky? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

JACKSON
Let's get a woman's opinion...hey, mom...ma mia...(Italian accent) Mamma mia, she's a cute girl. Oh, waitress!

MOM
Call your jets, I'm coming! (Robby stands)

JACKSON
Where are you going, dad...daddio?

ROBBY
Anywhere that you aren't! (walks off)

JACKSON
(Mom walks over; Robby is gone) But she's here!...oh, sweet niblets.

MOM
Sweet niblets it is. (walks off; Jackson shrugs at Miley)

***

Jackson and Miley are sitting at the counter)

JACKSON
Oh, no...no, no, no, no! (he falls off the stool)

MILEY
What happened?

JACKSON
(slightly embarrassed) My butt's gone...

MILEY
(handing him a tray) Here, here, get up.

JACKSON
(covering his butt with a tray) Just get them together, hurry!
MILEY
Fine!

Jackson rushes into the men's room. Miley turns back to the counter.

MOM
Here are your eggs, scrambled. Kind of like you. (Miley laughs) This seat's too hard. (goes to a different seat on each change; Mom follows with the plate) ...to soft...to high...to low...to lumpy...

LORETTA
Too bad! Now park it froggy, I don't have time for this, I work off tips!

MILEY
Great, then I've got one for you. (sits next to Robby) How about this guy? Business in the front, party in the back! You've got to love that...(Mom has walked off by now; and hasn't noticed Robby)

ROBBY
Didn't you daddy ever tell you not to talk to strangers?

MILEY
Not yet.

ROBBY
Well, he should. First scarf boy, now you. I've had about enough of this. I wish you both would just disappear! (stands)

MILEY
Oh, honey, we're getting' there.

ROBBY
(looking at his notepad) Achy breaky heart...n'argh...

MOM
(walks over to Miley as Robby goes) Now, you eat your eggs and don't you even think about skipping out. I've got my eyes on you!

MILEY
Speaking of eyes, why don't we go look at Mullet Man's? I bet they're gorgeous! (Mom has gone and Loretta is now standing behind Miley) Come on, it'll be fun.

LORETTA
I'm game, how's my hair?

MILEY
Sweet niblets.

LORETTA
Heck, those are popular today! (calling out) Hey, Mel, crack open another can of niblets! (walks into the kitchen)

***

Jackson is sitting on top of the tray (on a seat) in the café, Miley standing by him.


MILEY
Come on Jackson, we've gotta' get them back together. You're usually good at this.

JACKSON
Sorry, but I'm only half the man I used to be. (he slowly begins to fade out into air...) Make that a quarter...an eighth...a sixteenth...

MILEY
Jackson??

JACKSON
Bye...(he has fully disappeared now)

MILEY
Jackson? (grabs the tray he was sitting on and hugs it) I'll miss you, little buddy.

A tow-truck driver enters the café.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Did somebody call for a tow truck?

ROBBY
(going for the door) It's about time!

MILEY
(running over to him) No, wait, don't go!

ROBBY
What?

Over at the counter, Mom is getting ready to hang up her apron and knock off...

MOM
Oh, well, Loretta, that was my last customer, toodles!

MILEY
No, stop!

Miley sighs, pauses – and falls to the ground.

ROBBY
What in the world?

MILEY
(starting to sit up) Somebody help me! (Loretta approaches) Not you.

Mom and Robby lean down beside her.

MOM
Are you OK, sweet pea?

ROBBY
You know, she does look a little pale.

MOM
I'll go call a doctor.

MILEY
No, stop! You can't leave me. (sitting up) I guess I was just moving so fast, I forgot to see what was right in front of me.

ROBBY / MOM
What?

MILEY
(gestures with her hand) Right in front of me. (lies back down; Robby and Mom are still clueless, looking down at her...) Right in front of me!

Miley tilts Robby and Mom's chins at each other, and they both stare dreamily into each other's eyes...

MOM
My, oh my, she was right about your eyes...

ROBBY
Is that a Tennessee accent I hear?

MOM
Sure enough.

MILEY
Finally...

As the screen fades a little, we cut back to bus – Miley is lying down on the ground, after being struck by lightning, Jackson at her side trying to get her to wake up. It was all a dream!

JACKSONMiley. Miley, are you OK?

MILEY
(sits up) Jackson! You're OK! (hugs Jackson)

JACKSON
(as the two of them stand) Me? You're the one who almost just got hit by lightning!

MILEY
Really? (pause) ...wow.

JACKSON
Look, I'm going to get dad. Let's get out of here.

MILEY
(steps in the way of the door) Wait, wait, wait...what's your hurry? I want to hear that story daddy was going to tell us...I have a feeling it's a good one...

***

In the café, Robby and Miley are sitting opposite Jackson at the front booth.

ROBBY
I looked into her eyes, heard that cute Tennessee accent, and I knew right then she was the one.

MILEY
Daddy. (hugs his arm; old Loretta looks over from the counter)

ROBBY
Yeah. We sat in this very booth right her and talked all night. You know how I knew she loved me?

JACKSON
She laughed at all your jokes?

ROBBY
Every one...then again, maybe she was just laughing at my mullet...

As the scene ends, we see a framed, signed photo of Robby and "Mom" (Susan) and Robby after their marriage.

***

Back at the Stewarts' house, Lilly and Oliver are still lying, attached to their chairs, on the floor beneath the staircase.

LILLY
Did I mention I hate you?

OLIVER
Thirty-seven times!

LILLY
If I miss that Maroon 5 concert, I swear...

OLIVER
You're not 'gonna miss it! Miley said she'd be back, she'll probably be home any minute.

The Stewarts' house phone rings, and the voice mail tone kicks in.

ROBBY (V/O voice mail recording)
We're not here, leave a message!

MILEY (V/O)
Lilly, are you there watering the plants? (as soon as Oliver and Lilly hear Miley's voice, they go for the phone) I tried your cell phone a bunch of times. Hey, argh...I'm sorry, but, I'm not gonna' make the concert. We decided to make a few stops along the way. I got a picture of the world's largest rubber band ball! That sucker is huge! Have a great time at the concert, bye!

Lilly reaches for the phone, but is unable to stretch her arms long enough. She and Oliver are left, struggling on the floor in the kitchen, as the voice mail message ends with a beep.

LILLY
(short of breath) I hate you.

OLIVER
(short of breath also) Thirty-eight.

***

Hannah Montana is © Walt Disney. No infringement is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Andrew Green.

2x25 - Hannah In The Street With Diamonds

Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Oliver is behind Lily and Miley, who are looking out for Hannah Montana's new diamond.

OLIVER
I still can't believe Hannah's getting her own diamond on the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds!

Oliver poses behind a camera and takes a photo of himself beside a diamond.

MILEY
Oliver. I know it's a big honour but lets not act like tourists. Just be cool.

They come across Madonna's diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! It's Madonna!

LILY
Take our picture, take our picture!

Lily and Miley squat down on the floor beside the diamond, as Oliver goes to take the photo.

OLIVER
(taking photo) Oh yeah. That's really cool. (as they move on) What is it with chicks and Madonna?

As Miley and Lily continue on, Oliver plants a kiss from his hand on the diamond.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
(whispers) I love you. (joins Lily and Miley again)

LILY
So, argh...where's your diamond going to be?

MILEY
(unfolds map) Well, the Hollywood Diamond Committee said it's two past Madonna. So (gestures along the diamonds), Madonna, Brad Pit...

As they count to Hannah's diamond, they see chilli falling down on the diamond.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Yaow!

LILY
What's that gunk on your diamond?

MILEY
It looks like chilli.

They look up and see that it's from the above hot-dog stand.

OLIVER
(dreamily; approaches stand) ...It is chilli.

Miley and Lily follow after him.

MILEY
And it's gross! Come on people, keep it in your buns! (shouting to Hot Dog conveyor) Excuse me!

Miley approaches the conveyor.

MILEY [CONT'D]
Could you move your cart down the street a little?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Could I? Sure. Will I? No.

MILEY
Well, you could put it right by Scooby Doo's Diamond. (howling) 'Hot Dog' on the 'Hot Dog'. (touches cart) I'll help you push.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hands off the cart, princess. I've been slinging weenies on this spot for twenty years and I'll be slinging theme for twenty more.

LILY
But Hannah Montana's Diamond is gonna' be here! And your dogs are leaking on it.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
Hannah Montana? Why, all the kids in my building love her!

MILEY
(hopeful) So you'll move?

HOT DOG CONVEYOR
No, I hate all the kids in my building. Give it up, cupcake. There's nothing in the world that's gonna' get me off of this spot. (ding) Quitting time! (starts pushing cart away) Don't worry, folks. I'll be back tomorrow.

In spitefulness, he purposely spoons some chilli onto Hannah's diamond. The three, Miley in particular, look on in disgust.

HOT DOG CONVEYOR [CONT'D]
Oops. My bad.

Pushing the cart with him, he walks off, Miley calling after him.

MILEY
I...am not cleaning that up, mister! (pause) Oliver, clean it up.

OLIVER
No.

A flower cart comes along beside Hannah's diamond, where the Hot Dog stand was previously situated.

LILY
Oh, hey, look, flowers! At night, devoted fans can place rose petals on your diamond to cover up the chilli stink!

MILEY
Still disgusting. But better!

A sneeze is heard from the flower seller.

OLIVER
Are you alright?

FLOWER SELELR
Fine. The flowers make me phlegmy.

He breathes in, snorts, before finally spitting down on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
Ewgh!

LILY
Right on the diamond.

MILEY
Let me guess. You've been here twenty years and you'll be here twenty more.

FLOWER SELLER
And after that my son will take over. (indicates the dorky kid beside him)

In a similar fashion as to what his father recently displayed, the son spits out on Hannah's diamond.

MILEY
(annoyed) Whoa. Talk about your spitting image.

***

OPENING CREDITS

Starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

And BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Stewart Household – Miley and her father, Robby, are sitting at the table eating breakfast.

MILEY
It was disgusting! There was so much gunk in the sidewalk it was like I was getting my diamond on Uncle Earl's back porch!

ROBBY
Come on darlin', I'm eating here. Besides, it's not important where they put the diamond, it's the fact they gave you one in the first place.

MILEY
But the place they gave me is on the corner of Chilli Avenue and Snot-Rocket Boulevard!

ROBBY
Now let me tell you, when they gave me my diamond, what they did was...

MILEY
(interrupts) Put it right in front of the world-famous Chinese Theatre? Right where the tour bus lets off?

ROBBY
They say it's one of the most photographed diamonds out there, but...I may not be the best example.

MILEY
'Ya think?

The two of them stand up and make their way over to the kitchen.

ROBBY
Let me tell you honey, what's important is, always remember, "it's just an honour to have one".

MILEY
Alright, great. Then you'll give me yours!

ROBBY
Oh, honey! That wouldn't be right, then you would have a great spot and learn nothing. What kind of a father would I be if I let that happen?

MILEY
The kind that just wants to keep his spot!

ROBBY
Oh, honey, I had it first! Besides, it's right next to John Wayne! The duke, honey, the duke!

MILEY
But you said that location doesn't matter.

ROBBY
It doesn't. I'm just too old to listen to myself. You, on the other hand, legally have to. Bye-bye!

He skips off upstairs.

***

Jackson is in his car, trying to get it to start up. After unsuccessfully trying again, he jumps out and goes to the front bonnet.

JACKSON
Please just be a little broken, please just be a little broken!

As he opens the bonnet, smoke comes flying out at him from everywhere. He goes over and starts kicking the tyre.

JACKSON [CONT'D]
I said please! (the metallic ring of the tyre detaches due to the kicking, and the air deflates) Argh! And I was going to get you a hot wax!

Sighing, he takes out his mobile and raises it to his ear. Over at Rico's Shack, he is sitting on the counter as his phone rings and he answers.

RICO
Heyo! It's Rico!

JACKSON
Rico, my car broke down. I'm going to be late for work.

RICO
Sure, these things happen, I totally understand.

JACKSON
Gee, thanks, man!

RICO
Of course, if you're not here in five minutes, you're fired!

JACKSON
Oh, come on! Have a heart!

RICO
(looks down at his watch teasingly) Four fifty nine, four fifty eight, fifty seven...tick tock, tick tock!

JACKSON
Wait a minute, wait a minute! What if I get somebody to cover my shift?

RICO
Is it somebody like you, or someone with a brain?

JACKSON
(laughs) That's a good one boss. Hey, want to hear another good one?

He takes his phone and puts it on the bonnet and beeps on the horn. In alarm Rico falls behind the counter at the Shack.

***

Rico is behind the counter, looking down at his watch, awaiting Jackson's arrival.

RICO
Three...two...

Robby, in tight jeans and a "Rico's Shack" shirt, approaches the counter.

ROBBY
Hey, boss. What do you want me to do first?

RICO
Oh, jumbo Jackson. This is gonna' be good.

***

Hannah Montana enters Randall Garrison's (the head of the Hollywood Diamond Committee's) office.

HANNAH
(entering office) Excuse me. I am looking for a...Mr Randall Garisson, the President of the Parade of Diamonds Committee.

RANDALL
(turning) You found him. (jumps up) Argh!

HANNAH
Argh!

RANDALL
What?

HANNAH
I don't know, you screamed first.

RANDALL
I'm just so thrilled to finally meet Hannah Montana. What can I do for you? Whatever it is, the answer is yes.

HANNAH
Great. Move my diamond!

RANDALL
Argh...no.

HANNAH
But you said the answer is yes.

RANDALL
I lied.

HANNAH
But, Mr Garrison, you don't understand. There's this hot dog guy with drippy chilli, and this phlegmy flower family going...(impersonates sneeze) all over my diamond, and now all over your shoe. (pause; grins) Sorry?

RANDALL
So am I. Look, rules are rules. Only once in our history have we ever moved a diamond.

HANNAH
Whose diamond?

RANDALL
Your diamond.

HANNAH
My diamond?

RANDALL
Originally, you were in a wonderful spot, then I switched it. Special request from a great talent and an even greater humanitarian. That's right. I'm talking about...(presents a large photo of him and a puppet) ...Pancake Buffalo!

HANNAH
A puppet? I lost my diamond to a pile of purple felt with a hand where it's heinie should be?

RANDALL
Hold it right there. When I was a little boy, and TV was my only friend, that pile of purple felt taught me how to love.

HANNAH
(touched) Very, very touching. (flared) Switch me back!

RANDALL
And put my little Buffalo back under that horrible pile of chilli and lung lava? (slight laughter) I don't think so.

HANNAH
Fine. If you won't do the right thing, then I'll just go talk to the hand.

RANDALL
What hand?

HANNAH
The hand that's up to it's elbow in buffalo butt.

***

Rico's Shack. Robby is serving someone.

ROBBY
Here you go. Enjoy. Y'all come back now, you hear? (the customers walk off as he hands them their nachos)

Rico stands beside him, carrying over a tin of nachos.

RICO
Excuse me, Mr. Stewart. Anyone ever told you you've got great hair?

ROBBY
(strokes his hair) Oh, Rico. Is the sky blue?

RICO
I wouldn't know. I'm not looking at the sky. I'm looking at hairy nachos!

Rico pulls out from the nachos a string of hair with cheese drizzling off it.

RICO [CONT'D]
A friend of yours, I presume?

ROBBY
I guess I could wear a hat.

RICO
Thanks. But I got a better idea.

Cuts to Robby sitting on a seat at the counter – Rico is behind him putting a hairnet on Robby.

RICO
There.

Robby looks at his hair in the mirror on the sunglasses shack.

ROBBY
This is a crime against nature!

RICO
Fine, you can lose the hairnet, but Jackson will lose his job.

ROBBY
You are an evil little boy!

RICO
Flattery will get you nowhere. Now I believe it's time to scrape the gum from underneath the counter. (he has handed Robby the scraper)

Rico places a piece of gum underneath the counter, as we see the millions of other pieces dismissed there.
RICO [CONT'D]
This may take some time. I chew a lot of gum. (Robby leans to look under the counter) Hey, cafeteria lady. Less lookey, more scrapey.

ROBBY
You are about to find yourself in a very sticky situation.

Cuts to Jackson running in behind the counter, his face full of black dust.

JACKSON
Hey, Rico, I got my car started! Rico?

There is a knock from beneath the counter. Jackson looks under and finds Rico trapped hanging underneath, his clothes stuck against the gum.

JACKSON
My dad?

RICO
Yeah.

JACKSON
I'm fired?

RICO
Oh yeah.

***

At the "Pancake Buffalo" TV recording station set. "Astronaut Hector" is standing by a rock – where Pancake Buffalo is singing a tune. Hannah, Lola and Mike are on the set watching. Lola and Mike are dancing along to the tune.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And that's all the planets in our solar system, we'll sing them again tomorrow, in case you missed them.

HECTOR
I'm Astronaut Hector!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(singing) And I'm Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO / HECTOR
(sings) And that's the end of our out-of-this-world, outer space, intergalactic show.

PANCAKE BUFALLO
(laughs) Bye-bye, kids!

HECTOR
Aidos!

As Hector waves, Lola and Mike wave back at him. Cindy Merriwether, the operator behind Pancake Buffalo's puppet, comes out from behind the rock.

CINDY
Oh, that was a wonderful rehearsal. Hector, you deserve an extra-special cupcake.

HECTOR
(walks away; annoyed) Eight years of drama school for this.

LOLA
(excited) I can't believe I'm this close to Pancake Buffalo! That little puppet taught me how to go potty. (starts to sing) Diapers are for babies, I'm a big kid don't you know. And when I get that uh-oh feeling...(Mike joins in) I know where to go! The potty, the potty, and flush it all down!

HANNAH
(interrupts) I get it! I get it. You got the "potty" in you. (turns to Cindy, who is holding Pancake Buffalo still) Excuse me, Miss Pancake Buffalo puppet-person lady.

CINDY
Hi, I'm Cindy Merriwether, and I know who you are, Hannah Montana. (turning to Mike and Lola) But I don't know who you are, or you either. But that's OK, because...

MIKE, LOLA & CINDY
(starting to sing) When you don't know someone's name...

HANNAH
(interrupts) It's Mike and Lola! Anyway, I hear that argh...Pancake and I are gonna' be neighbours on the Parade of Diamonds.

CINDY
And Pancake is so excited!

HANNAH
Miss Meriwether? I'm not a kid anymore. You don't have to pretend like Pancake's real.

CINDY
What do you mean?

HANNAH
That he's a puppet.

CINDY
Oh, no, he's not.

HANNAH
Yes he is. You operate him behind this thing.

CINDY
No I don't. Pancake is my special friend. At my high school reunion, he was my date. It's nap time, Pancake...(approaches puppet)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) Boing!

MIKE
Well, she's just deep into character.

LOLA
(as Cindy walks off) Yeah, scary deep!

Cindy is over at the foods.

CINDY
Bindenboudenschlasser truffles, (to Hannah) made with milk from happy Swiss cows. Now, what can I do for you?

HANNAH
Well, you see, argh...(Cindy "shushes" her) Well, you know that you kind of...(Cindu "shushes" her again) Well, you and...(Cindy "shushes" her for a third time, Hannah is now angry) You stole my diamond!

CINDY
Now, you don't need to use your angry voice.

MIKE
You know, she's always had a problem with that.

HANNAH
(angry) Zip it!

MIKE
You see?

CINDY
Hannah, darling. Cindy understands why you're such a grumpy-umpus. You had the diamond first, and we shouldn't have switched it without asking.

HANNAH
So you'll switch me back?

CINDY
(starting for Pancake) Oh, I would love to.

HANNAH
(following her) Yes!

CINDY
But it's not up to me. (squats down behind rock)

HANNAH
(to Lola and Mike) I don't like where this is going!

Pancake, the puppet, pops up from behind the rock.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
It's up to me, blondie. So ask me with your happy voice!

HANNAH
Cindy, please.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
(angry) There's no Cindy down here! Now let me hear that happy voice!

HANNAH
OK. (with reluctance in her tone) Pancake Buffalo.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Mmm-hmm?

HANNAH
Will you please give me my diamond back?

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Oh, well now that you put it that way...No!

HANNAH
But that's not fair!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You want to switch diamonds? Go ask that Garrison bozo. Oh wait a minute...he loves me!

HANNAH
OK, listen here you glorified oven mitt.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, Hannah, want to know the weather report for Montana? Chilli all day, with a 100% chance of spit showers! (evil laughter)

Hannah forces a fake smile and laugh, before violently reaching to choke the puppet.

HANNAH
Arghhh!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Security! Security!

Mike and Lola pull Hannah away (though it does take them a while). Pancake calls after them.


PANCAKE BUFFALO
Don't validate her parking!

Hannah's temper flares again – she races over to the puppet and goes behind the rock, attempting to pull it from Cindy's hand. Lola runs over to get Hannah away.

***

Hannah, followed by Lola and Mike, enter Randall Garrison's office again.

HANNAH
Excuse me, Mr. Garrison.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...again. And if it's about your diamond, I don't want to hear it.

HANNAH
But Mr Garrison, you don't understand. I went to Cindy Merriwether, and she made me talk to the puppet like it was real.

RANDALL
He is real to millions of children. So...(excited) what did he say?

HANNAH
Your fuzzy little friend called you a bozo.

RANDALL
Oh. Miss Montana...

LOLA
But it's true!

MIKE
We were there.

The phone beside him rings.

RANDALL
If you'll excuse me.

Randall answers the phone, as the three teens congregate over in the corner a little.

HANNAH
OK, that's it! If Captain Kiss-Up is not gonna' believe that Merriwether and her puppet are evil, we will just have to show him.

MIKE
And how do we do that?


LOLA
Well, it usually involves bad accents, sticky food and dumb costumes.

HANNAH
That is so not true! (pause) Hey Oliver, can you get your hands on your mom's old security outfit?

OLIVER
Oh, I'm so in! (runs out)

LOLA
Rookie!

Hannah and Lola run out after him.

***

The beach outside Rico's – Rico's nails are being groomed by two young, attractive ladies.

RICO
Keep them sharp. I like to scratch. Arghh! (he claws at the two of them)

Jackson approaches, then calls back for Robby.

JACKSON
Come on! We talked about this.

ROBBY
Fine. (with reluctance, he walks over)

JACKSON
Hey Rico. There's someone here who wants to talk to you.

RICO
I'm all ears.

ROBBY
I'm sorry. My behaviour was totally inappropriate and it disgraced this fine establishment. (whispers to Jackson) I hate this!

JACKSON
Just do it!

ROBBY
And it in no way reflects the opinion of my diligent, hard working son. There!

RICO
What can I say? I'm as forgiving as I am handsome. Apology accepted. Now was that so hard?

ROBBY
You really want to rattle gator's cage, boy?

RICO
No, sir.

ROBBY
You're a genius.

He walks off.

JACKSON
OK, so...I guess I'll just go back to work then?

RICO
(to the girls beside him) I always wondered why he was such a loser. (Jackson turns back) Now I know. He gets it from his Dad.

JACKSON
'Scuse me?

RICO
Talk about your country dumpkin!

JACKSON
"Country Dumpkin"?

Jackson eyes Rico angrily – and suddenly a large shadow overtakes Rico's now frightened figure.

RICO
(scared) Jackson!

***

Jackson is behind the counter at Rico's, and Rico is once again trapped beneath the counter, stuck to the gum.

JACKSON
Say it! Go on, say it.

RICO
Alright, I'm sorry.

JACKSON
And?

RICO
(quietly) I have a big mouth.

JACKSON
(teasingly) I can't hear you.

RICO
(shouts) I have a big mouth!


JACKSON
Now was that so hard?

RICO
This isn't funny!

JACKSON
That's right. (takes a piece of gum from his mouth) But this is! (sticks gum to Rico's nose)

Without saying a word, Rico's facial expression turns "grossed-out" and he squirms to get the gum off his nose. Jackson grins.

***

Outside the Hollywood Parade of Diamonds – Randall is standing by Cindy.

RANDALL
Well, we have two hours before the ceremony, is there anything you or Pancake need?

CINDY
No, Randall. Thanks to you we're right as rainbows. And Pancake is so happy you moved his diamond home. He has a special surprise. For you!

Cindy leans down under the lectern.

RANDALL
Calm down, Randall. You're an adult.

Pancake Buffalo's puppet pops up from under the lectern.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hi Randall!

RANDALL
(excited) Hi Pancake!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
You've been so wonderful, I'm making you an honorary Buffalo buddy! Ha!

RANDALL
I've always wanted to be a Buffalo buddy. I could never collect enough box tops, because my mom always said "your cereal is too sugary". Meanwhile, she was packing away the doughnuts like they were going out of style!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Now, Randall.

RANDALL
I know. Angry voice. (ashamed in himself) I'm sorry.

Oliver, disguised as a police officer, approaches Randall.
OLIVER
You got a permit for this little party?

RANDALL
Of course I do. It's argh...in my car.

OLIVER
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll ask the questions around here.

RANDALL
I wasn't asking a question, Officer...(looks at badge) Nancy Oiken?

OLIVER
My father named me that. His name was Harriet. You got a problem with that?

RANDALL
No...not if you don't?

OLIVER
Just get the permit sir.

Randall walks way. Oliver steps away and talks into the walkie-talkie.

OLIVER [CONT'D]
Proceeding east with suspect.

He passes by Miley, who is crouched down behind a sign.

MILEY
Roger, Nancy. Phase two is a go!

Lily, in disguise, is carting by a chocolate stand.

LILY
(German accent) Yodel he he who! I've got Bindenboudenschlasser chocolate for you!

Cindy pops her head up from under the lectern.

CINDY
Oh! Did somebody say Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates? (chases after Lily)

LILY
Milk the happy Swiss cows myself. Squirter, squeezer. Squirter, squeezer.

CINDY
Wait, wait. (calls over lectern) Pancake, honey, mommy will be back in just a sec! (chases after Lily)

Miley goes behind the lectern to reach for Buffalo as Cindy disappears, and Oliver comes walking along with Randall. Oliver is examining the permit.
OLIVER
This permit looks good. You'd be surprised how many people try to get fancy with the Nancy. (Oliver's walkie-talkie starts to go off)

OLIVER'S MOTHER (V/O)
Oliver, it's your mother! Stop messing with my walkie-talkie!

OLIVER
(embarrassed; tuts) I gotta' go.

Oliver runs off. Randall turns back to the lectern.

RANDALL
Sorry about that. Miss Merriwether? Pancake? It's me! Your...argh, Buffalo Buddy!

Miley, who is hidden behind the lectern, has put the puppet on her hands and impersonates the voice as she pops it up.

MILEY
(impersonating Pancake Buffalo) Oh, get over it, you snivelling little dork!

RANDALL
(fake laughter) What?

MILEY
Hey, folks! Want to see a genuine Hollywood freak? Check out the middle-aged loser talking to a puppet!

RANDALL
(through consistent laughter) No, I'm not talking to a puppet. I...(speaks quickly to Buffalo) How can you say that? We're Buffalo Buddies!

MILEY
Yeah, and it's a big deal. When you're three! Grow up, or do you want to spend the rest of your life living with your doughnut-scarfing mother?

RANDALL
(laughs) That's enough Miss Merriwether, that's enough!

MILEY
No, this is enough. (laughs, and the puppet bites into Randall's nose)

RANDALL
That's it! I'm giving Hannah Montana her spot back!

The puppet releases.

MILEY
(no longer in puppet voice) Yes!


RANDALL
You've just bought yourself a one-way ticket to loogie land!

Cindy is making her way back to the lectern, Lily is following behind her with the cart.

LILY
Kummen Sie back!

CINDY
No! Those are not real Bindenboudenschlasser chocolates!

LILY
Yeah, they are!

RANDALL
Miss Merriwether?

Cindy looks over and sees that Pancake is being operated.

CINDY
Pancake?

MILEY
N'arghhh!

Miley chucks the puppet up into the air, and Randall catches it. Miley quickly jumps to her feet and runs off. Lily follows.

LILY
Yumpin' yimminy!

Lily runs off, turning back and getting a jar of chocolate. She then turns and runs again.

***

Hannah's diamond – Lily and Oliver are dropping hot dog chilli on it, Miley is sweeping it up.

MILEY
Guys!

LILY
Sorry.

OLIVER
But these things are so good!

MILEY
Great. Even my friends splat on my diamond! I wish I wouldn't have even gotten this stupid thing.

As the three of them walk off, a young girl runs over to Hannah's diamond.

GIRL
Mommy! Mommy! It's Hannah Montana's diamond! Take my picture.

The girl crouches down beside the diamond, as her mother snaps a picture.

LILY
Looks like she thinks it's pretty cool.

OLIVER
You know, if your fans don't care where you diamond is...

MILEY
Then I shouldn't either? I guess that it is what it's really all about.

OLIVER
Pretty much.

MILEY
I cannot believe how nuts I went trying to get my spot back.

As they walk away, they come across some workmen lowering a portable toilet onto Pancake Buffalo's diamond.

WORKMAN (V/O)
That's it. Set her down easy, right on top of old Pancake Buffalo.

LILY
Hey, look at that, a gift from above.

MILEY
I'll be right back. I gotta' go leave a little something for Pancake. (she smiles, as she enters the toilet)

***

Pancake's diamond – a Workman goes to open the door of the portable bathroom, but Pancake's puppet pops out.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Hey, where do you think you're going, buddy?

WORKMAN
Well, I gotta...

PANCAKE BUFFALO
No you don't!

WORKMAN
Oh, yes I do.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Then try the gas station for blocks down. Ha, looks like you could use the exercise.

WORKMAN
What am I doing? You're a puppet!

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah. A puppet that's about to knock you silly!

The workman backs away, as others pass by.

PANCAKE BUFFALO
Yeah, yeah! Be scared! (an old lady passes by) Anybody else want a piece of me? How about you, grandma? Yeah! Yeah!

The old lady backs away, terrified.

Hannah Montana and all related entities © Walt Disney

No infringement intended.